Secret Love *Edited

As I played with my long, brown hair, his dark blue eyes met mine. My stomach felt like a million butterflies were flying in it. I held my breath for a moment, and tried to not smile. His sweet smile started to bloom in the corners of his mouth, and of course, I had to smile back. I couldn't do this though. I turned my back to him, and I could feel his eyes in the back of my head. Just then, my boyfriend, Gabriel, came up to me and hugged me. "Good morning, Love." He said to me. I smiled weakly and let him wrap his arms around me. But, little does he know, the boy with blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes behind us has my heart.
"Why does school have to be so boring?" Gabriel asked me as we were walking out of study hall in the morning, going to first period. I guess I wasn't really paying attention to what words came out of his mouth, only the sound of his voice. How could I be doing this to me and him? Falling back into the arms of Jeremy, my first love. I loved everything about him. His blue eyes, his mysterious personality, everything. We hadn't talked in a year before 3 weeks ago. I recieved a text from him. He told me he couldn't live without me, and that I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever known. Also, that I was his beloved. That night, we talked until 4 a.m. He made me feel so amazing.
"Catherine? You alright?" Gabriel seemed a little worried. I always talked alot in the morning. "I'm fine, I'm sorry. I was just thinking about.. all the projects Mrs. Ervan assigned yesterday." Another lie. My voice shakes when I'm lying, but he doesn't notice. He smiled. No butterflies were in my stomach, though. I smile back. Just then, Jeremy walked right infront of me and Gabriel. I cetch my breath. I need to stop reacting like this when he's near me..

Alright, so, that was short. That wasn't a story, but just a paragraph. Add emotions around what you have now, and add a backstory. Where they fighting? How long have they been going out? Add some character habits. Is he a cheater? Does she cry easily. Add a setting, where are they, what time of day? make sure to put emotion in so that the reader can relate to whatever is going on in the story.
~WickedWonder

Hello there, AnnMarie! I hope your holidays are going well. Let's begin the review, shall we?

Just one tiny nitpick:

AnnMarie wrote:"Goodmorning, Love." He said to me.

Alright! First of all, "goodmorning" is two separate words, so it should be, "Good morning, Love." Secondly, when a person speaks (aka dialogue) you are to make a new paragraph.

This piece was very short; I felt you could have expanded on what you have. For example, write about the hesitance she has to sink into Gabriel's arms, show her squirm a bit when he kisses her, describe Gabriel to us, and show her confusion at liking the blonde-haired, blue-eyed bloke instead of her boyfriend, Gabriel. Or perhaps add in some antics to give your characters a sense of "realness." Does the blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy fiddle with the hem of his shirt when he looks at her? Does Gabriel always chew some mint, teeth-whitening gum that 'she' hates, and 'she' much rather prefers the light, tropical gum that her blue-eyed bloke chews? See what I mean? Add some detail!

Aside from that, perhaps you could describe where they are at? You give us no description of the place this all takes place in, so in my mind's eye, I just see a blank room, a boy, a girl, and her boyfriend just standing around. Pretty dull, don't you think? Also - when a person speaks, you need to begin a new paragraph, for example:

Kara Lyman loved everything about nightclubs - the sweaty, dancing bodies packed so close you could feel your neighbor's breath on your cheek, the haze of cigarettes, and the booming music that vibrated through the whole room. She was already so tipsy tonight that she dropped her bottle of beer as someone tapped her shoulder.

"Yeh're comin' with me," said a shaggy-haired Irish boy.

See? That's from a novel I was working on a very long time ago - and a perfect example of starting a new paragraph for when a new person starts to speak. Now, just keep working at it, and I am sure you will improve. More detail! Make those characters real! If you post the updated version of this story ever again, please do make sure to message me. I hope this review helps you improve and if you have any questions, just message me.

Happy Holidays!
Mizz

Hello there Ann. Welcome to YWS!

Since you are new here, I'll try to sound *gentle* as possible. :3

"Goodmorning, Love." He said to me.

Just as what Mizzle has said, good morning (as you can see) is a two-word greeting. And the punctuation before the speech tag should be a comma, not a period.

This is actually a very short story, well, I am not even sure because it seems just a 'scene' in a story. I find it one-dimensional, which means the characters are not developing and the plot is short. Even the shortness has actually led me to speculate that this might turn out to be some sort of a cliche' story. A teenage love story, to be exact.

The realism of this piece is a bit obscure, I could not even relate to your character. So try to expand this out. I could even think this is just an introduction to your story, or just a prologue or something. I tell you, the length of this piece has not explained thoroughly the plot, making it reliant on to something.

Grammar wise, I find it pretty clean considering the length. Your verb consistency is good and so with your spellings. However, just be careful of your descriptions. Just by looking at the first line, it seems to be overcrowded by lots of adjectives. So try to slow down, Ann. There are even times when you don't need them, so I think two to three adjectives are just about right in a five hundred-word page. Nonetheless, there are really no awkward phrases that I have seen so far.

So I think my main critique is the shortness of this piece. Hope this helps and PM me for any questions.

Keep writing,
Yuri

Hello there and welcome to YWS!

I actually found no problem with the length. You seem to have covered every nook and cranny in the information department. Sometimes, as I have come to understand, things have to be left to the reader's imagination. I loved the way you described the little feelings you wrote in general. I also liked the twist at the end. Just be sure to spell check your work before submitting next time, especially for something this sort.
All in all, if you would like to expand this, it would be great; but I think it's perfect the way it is.
Good job!

Keep writing and good luck

Hi! Your work had very nice description! Loved the way how you described the feelings. Anyway,can't wait for the next part (is there?) and Happy Holidays!

Mm I really like this it just is really too short but I demand you finish it!! It was really nice and so far I haven't read anything like this, I mean like affairs so I'm dying to read something like this. Remember when you write something not to lose heart. If you want to post something don't just post it for the sake of it.
Keep writing it does have potenetial but you need too pay more attention and not lose heart. It's even disheartening for others to read!!
Anyhow as I said it will be a great story if you persue it.
Kaka x

Thank you everyone so much for the comments. It really opened my eyes to some things. ( : I will be working on editing some things, so just check in every once in a while, thank you again for everything!