Paris

Paris! I longed to you all my life. I wished to plunge into your seething sea. You were far away from me, and finally I’m here at thy feet and ask to accept me in thy nets. I ask to embrace me with thy soft hands and to allow me forget everything in your exciting sensuality.

Paris … There is some magic in this word, something that forces heart to beat faster. In this word myths of generations, love of the entire Planet, passion of all the Universe have united. « Paris, I love you ». Millions of people make declarations of love to you daily. And you refuse them, how many hearts have you broken? Mine is not an exception. And here I am to face you, and you see everything. Even what is hidden from other people. You see me through. I can conceal nothing from you, and I don’t want to, I want you to learn me real, not fake. I will reveal all secrets to you. I know, you will tell nobody, you will store them. That would be our own small secret.

Paris … My head starts spinning from a glass of pink champagne that you suggest to try in thy seething streets. And I get drunk from this devil cocktail of cars, people, streets, shops. But you pour and pour. Your cellars are endless.

Paris … La tour Eiffel is blazing in your eyes, and reflecting in muddy waters of Seine. You light up sparks on river buses, and the world changes. Even gloomy statues of the Notre Dame de Paris in your eyes turn into kind of elves. As a magic wand waves, gardens blossom, and there comes spring. Spring which never ends.

Paris … My heart, mentality, soul and body are sacrificed to you. Now you’re their master. I have obeyed to you. My resistance is useless. I have bent a knee before my king. Order, my master! Your faithful slave is ready to serve you eternally.

Paris … I step on thy streets shy, uncertainly, as the child doing its first steps. And you as the careful parent, softly and gently push me forward. Persistently you suggest moving to the treasured goal. And your voice whispers with wind gentle artful words to my ear. I listen to them and I trust. I trust each thy word, I watch each thy gesture.

Paris … Music in thy name. Dance is thy soul. Fire of desire is in thy eyes and tenderness of roses is on thy lips. I wish to dance a tango on the Champs Elysees. I want you to whirl me in whirlpool of your passion. And I do not wish to come up. I wish to sink in you, to plunge into azure waters and to be dissolved in them.

Paris … Allow me to fly like a wind in le jardin des Tuileries, inhaling aromas of grasses, moving crones of trees, lifting the autumn leaves. I will whirl it in a magic waltz of dreams, and the old statues will leave the marble covers and will arrange a ball. And fireworks from stars will decorate the night sky. And we will get lost in a crowd of gapers. And then we will find a secluded corner from which we will observe all the action.

Paris … An affair with you has neither beginning nor end. It has only a sequel. You are a magic fairy tale, getting in which one would not have desire to come back. You are that mysterious world of the world behind the looking-glass. You are its past, present and future. You are the question and the answer. You are the world.

Paris …. I love you!

Hi, I viewed your piece here. To be honest, I didn't like it. I liked it a little bit but it still didn't pull me in. The writing is great, but your plot isn't. The problem is that everyone writes about Paris. The same way as you just did there. If you gave it a twist then I would be a fan, but now it's just lacking it. I liked the way you made the city the lover. That part made it intersesting, really. But make the rest of your story pull in like that. Alright?
When you edit PM me, I wanna see more.
Keep Writing!
Nike

Hello Gomer!
You're relatively new. I hope you're enjoying the site!
Anyway, on with the review.

First off, I think this piece belongs in the 'Other' section. I can see why you've put it in the Romance part, but a story needs a beginning a middle and an end. So, just remember that for future reference.

Nitpicks. Yaay! (And suggestions which you don't have to change if you don't want to)

Paris! I longed to you all my life.

Hmm, this doesn't really sound quite right, does it? Perhaps try to phrase it differently, using something like:
"Paris! I've longed to you all of my life."
But even then, it doesn't flow that well. So yeah, that needs to be phrased differently.

I wished to plunge into your seething sea.

I like this, however the 'seething sea' bit doesn't go very well. This piece feels more like a poem to me, so I think maybe you could try something else like "seething ocean"? It's up to you really, if you want to keep this alliteration.

Paris …

You do this everytime after this. I really think it would look better as:
"Paris..." with no space between the s and the ellipse.

something that forces heart to beat faster.

I'm confused whether to comment on this as it doesn't make sense. Surely it would be "my heart" or something like that? But again, going into the poetry aspects it sounds fine.

Millions of people make declarations of love to you daily. And you refuse them, how many hearts have you broken?

Personally, I think it would look better and flow better like this:
"Millions of people make declarations of love to you daily, and you refuse them. How many hearts have you broken?"

My head starts spinning from a glass of pink champagne that you suggest to try in thy seething streets.

You've already used seething, try another word

And I get drunk from this devil cocktail of cars, people, streets, shops.

Lists. At the end perhaps make it, "street and shops"

as the child doing its first steps.

Doing it's first steps doesn't sound very good. Making their first steps is better

Persistently, you suggest moving to the treasured goal.

And your voice whispers with wind gentle, artful words to my ear.

Overall Impression:
Overall, I found this to be a good read. Most of your descriptions were consistent in using some interesting words. Other times, I thought that if you've used that word before, surely you can think of something better for this word. I mean, really, good stuff. Remember, your thesaurus is your best friend

Most of the time, your grammar was great. I noticed that you've tried to vary your sentence lengths but at times it was tedious to read really short sentences over and over again. Try and put some sentences together, I enjoyed your longer sentences, sometimes they just seemed like great long lists.

I haven't really read anything like this, so I'm not ceratin on the good techniques and the bad techniques. I think that you're a great writer and you've got excellent potential, so please keep it up!

~Tamara x

Nike wrote:Hi, I viewed your piece here. To be honest, I didn't like it. I liked it a little bit but it still didn't pull me in. The writing is great, but your plot isn't. The problem is that everyone writes about Paris. The same way as you just did there. If you gave it a twist then I would be a fan, but now it's just lacking it. I liked the way you made the city the lover. That part made it intersesting, really. But make the rest of your story pull in like that. Alright?
When you edit PM me, I wanna see more.
Keep Writing!
Nike

It's ok that you didn't like my piece, you don't have to
I've never been to Paris, so i just wrote the way i see it in my dreams. So, it's based on lots of movies and stories that i ever read, so it may sound a bit cliché, but anyway i really like it.

Inbetweener wrote:Hello Gomer!
You're relatively new. I hope you're enjoying the site!
Anyway, on with the review.

First off, I think this piece belongs in the 'Other' section. I can see why you've put it in the Romance part, but a story needs a beginning a middle and an end. So, just remember that for future reference.

Nitpicks. Yaay! (And suggestions which you don't have to change if you don't want to)

Paris! I longed to you all my life.

Hmm, this doesn't really sound quite right, does it? Perhaps try to phrase it differently, using something like:
"Paris! I've longed to you all of my life."
But even then, it doesn't flow that well. So yeah, that needs to be phrased differently.

I wished to plunge into your seething sea.

I like this, however the 'seething sea' bit doesn't go very well. This piece feels more like a poem to me, so I think maybe you could try something else like "seething ocean"? It's up to you really, if you want to keep this alliteration.

Paris …

You do this everytime after this. I really think it would look better as:
"Paris..." with no space between the s and the ellipse.

something that forces heart to beat faster.

I'm confused whether to comment on this as it doesn't make sense. Surely it would be "my heart" or something like that? But again, going into the poetry aspects it sounds fine.

Millions of people make declarations of love to you daily. And you refuse them, how many hearts have you broken?

Personally, I think it would look better and flow better like this:
"Millions of people make declarations of love to you daily, and you refuse them. How many hearts have you broken?"

My head starts spinning from a glass of pink champagne that you suggest to try in thy seething streets.

You've already used seething, try another word

And I get drunk from this devil cocktail of cars, people, streets, shops.

Lists. At the end perhaps make it, "street and shops"

as the child doing its first steps.

Doing it's first steps doesn't sound very good. Making their first steps is better

Persistently, you suggest moving to the treasured goal.

And your voice whispers with wind gentle, artful words to my ear.

Overall Impression:
Overall, I found this to be a good read. Most of your descriptions were consistent in using some interesting words. Other times, I thought that if you've used that word before, surely you can think of something better for this word. I mean, really, good stuff. Remember, your thesaurus is your best friend

Most of the time, your grammar was great. I noticed that you've tried to vary your sentence lengths but at times it was tedious to read really short sentences over and over again. Try and put some sentences together, I enjoyed your longer sentences, sometimes they just seemed like great long lists.

I haven't really read anything like this, so I'm not ceratin on the good techniques and the bad techniques. I think that you're a great writer and you've got excellent potential, so please keep it up!

~Tamara x

WOW! That's actually all i can say. I've never got such review, and thank you very much for some tips, i'll think about changing some parts of piece. And probably will keep them in mind for future pieces.

Once again, THANK YOU!!!

Hey, Gomer!

This is actually quite an interesting piece you have here. I like how you've put this in the romantic section and you're referring to a city, a place and the love behind it. It's a different approach and it makes this all the more fun to read. Your descriptions were lovely and I liked the way you connected a relationship to the city and the girl's fascination to the place.

I agree that some of your shorter sentences were hard to keep up with, I think you might want to try pushing a few together and connecting them. In some cases I noticed a few repetition and with shorter pieces you should try watching out for that since it's easier to spot.

All in all, this was very interesting and fun to read. Your grammar is great and I enjoyed seeing the imagery of it all. Nice work.

-Pink