Over The Mountains- 1

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Plunging my hand in the bucket right beside me, I felt the cold water against my warm palm, feeling eyes staring at me as I retrieved a sponge from the water and began to scrub the floor. At the same time, the door to the kitchen opened, letting a man’s voice flood over the silence that had surrounded me a few seconds ago.

“Catherine, I need you to go to the market before it closes for the day. We are to have company for diner...” My father stopped there, not having to finish his sentence for me to understand exactly what he wanted me to know.

He was always stressed about the impression he was giving when somebody entered the house or ate there. He sometimes made me clean the entire house because some important villager was supposed to come by only to talk to him for a couple of minutes.

“Yes, father,” I said, forcing my voice to sound normal, when inside I felt exhausted. I have been working all day long, since the sun had been up, and now that it was beginning to sink back to the horizon, I still had to make a dinner, something that was more appealing then what I had been doing.

I did a little curtsy before him before abandoning my sponge in my bucket and leaving from the back door since I am certain my father does not want his company to see me just yet. I walked to the market, a relatively long walk from my house after a long day of work, but I was accustomed to the physical activity. And when I finally arrived, I looked around to see if the inspiration would hit me. I didn’t know what I would serve tonight, but I knew standing there would not do anything either, I walked up to the bakery. Inside, the smell of fresh bread hit me, making my head swoon. I loved this smell; it evoked my youth. When I was little, we use to come here all the time, since it was owned by my aunt. My mom always liked to help, making little bread and cakes whenever she had the time. But she had to let go of all that when she became really sick. Sometimes, I came here only to remember the days when she was still around.

“Cathy!” I heard a little voice squeal while I was closing the door behind me. I turned around in time to catch my cousin in my arms.

“Hi Claire,” I said, squeezing her tight in my arms before letting go.

“Hi Catherine, how are you doing today?” My aunt asked, already taking my cousin by the hand to pull her back around the counter.

“I’m good... a little exhausted, I must say,” I said, smiling at her. I always loved my aunt, she reminded me of my mother with her curly brown hair, and her kind eyes.

“I’m pretty occupied these days too, with the summer coming and all,” she said, while she packed one loaf of bread in cloth; my usual.

“In fact, father is have some company for dinner tonight... can you pack me another one?” I ask, looking over the counter to watch her carefully wrapping them.

“He is having company?” My aunt asked, lifting a brow in curiosity. I shook my head, laughing at her.

“I don’t know, I have not seen them,” I said, shrugging.

“I have not seen Uncle Robert in a long time,” Claire said. She was now perched on the counter, looking at me with big blue eyes.

“I know sweetheart, but he is really occupied these days... Barely comes out of the house, I promise we are going to come visit you soon, when he has time,” I said to her, making my tone soothing.

“Talking about time... We have to head out of town for a night, would you mind to take care of Claire?” My aunt asked, eyes searching mine.

“Yes, I would really like that,” I say, smiling at my cousin. She smiled back, her eyes gleaming with excitement.

“I will talk to you when it is time then,” my aunt said, waving goodbye as I head out the door.

I had to go to a few stores, but when I finally had all I wanted, I turned to the path that would lead to my house. At the same moment a hand caught my arm, and at the same time I heard a name whispered in my ear.

“Catherine.” I spun around, my heart beating hard in my chest.

“Oh, your Majesty...” I said, surprised.

“It is your name; is that right?” I nodded, too dazed to let any words leave my mouth. I looked around, unable to look at him. It was proper code to look at the ground when talking to people part of the royal family, but it was also common to concentrate on his entourage instead. Today, there was very little men with him. Two at either side, where standing straight and looking ahead, not bothered by the Prince's actions. I could see another two men, walking in retreat.

“I am sorry I scared you, it was not my intention...” He said, he waited a few minutes for my answer but then continued, seeing that I was too shocked to speak.

“You’re the blacksmith’s daughter, are you not?” He asked. “I need you to show me the way,” without any hesitation, I started walking, showing him the path to my house.

Why would the prince talk to me? Wait, why would he want to go to my house, or talk to my dad? Ah... right. He was the blacksmith of the village. Everyone turned to him if they needed something. I laughed at how I had immediately assumed it was about me. Yes, you would like that, I thought to myself. Prince Leo was extremely gorgeous and I had had a crush on him since I was little, just like every other girl in our village. Yes, Leo was handsome but the rumors also said that he had a sweet tooth for women. At the castle, everyone said that he slept with different ladies every night...

I heard him scratching his throat loudly, sending me back to reality.

“Why do you want to see my father?” I asked, and then felt my cheeks burn when I remembered I was talking to the Prince. The two men that were beside him when he had sought me out had disappeared a little behind us, due to the narrow pathway that was leading us to my home.

“I’m sorry, you do not have to answer, Majesty,” I said in a little voice. I was walking a little behind the Prince, and I could not see his face but I was still surprised when I heard his voice.

“I need another sword and I thought of your father. Father always ordered his swords in a village close by, but I thought that it would be good to encourage someone who lives here,” he said, looking up at the sky.

"What were you doing out at the market? These things look really heavy, here let me take them,” I stopped and looked at the Prince in wonder.

Like that; he looked like any other villager. Asking to help a woman and trying to make conversation. Just like that, I had the feeling I had just made a new friend. And now, we were talking like any other young adults in the world, with no differences separating us.
Last edited by theotherone on Fri Dec 24, 2010 4:12 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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theotherone wrote:Plunging my hand in the bucket right beside me, I felt the cold water against my warm palm, feeling eyes staring at me as I retreat retreived a sponge from the water and began to scrub the floor. At the same time, the door to the kitchen opened, letting a man’s voice flood over the silence that was surrounding had surrounded me a few seconds ago.

“Catherine, I need you to go to the market before it closes for the day. We are to have company for diner dinner...” My father stopped there, not having to finish his sentence for me to understand exactly what he wanted me to know. It would be far more interesting if he did finish the sentence. I don't know what she your MC knows already and it comes across sounding rather lazy like you don't want to come up with more dialogue.

He was always stressed about the impression he was giving when somebody entered the house or ate here there. He sometimes made me clean the entire house because some important villager was supposed to come by only to talk to him for a couple of minutes. Why is her father such a slave-driver?
“Yes, father,” I said, forcing my voice to sound normal, when inside I felt exhausted. I have been working all day long, since the sun had been up, and now that it begins was beginning to sink back to the horizon, I still have had to make a diner dinner, something better than what I can do right now. The last part...it might sound better as "something more appealing than what I had been doing anyways." I'm beginning to notice you're tending to switch between past and present tense, you'll have to watch out for that.

I did a little courtesy curtsy before him before abandoning my sponge in my bucket and leaving from the back door since I’m sure my dad does not want his company to see me just yet. The bit I underlined doesn't really make sense where you put it and I don't think it's necessary at all. I walked to the market, a relatively long walk from my house after a long day of work, and when I finally arrived, looking around to see if the inspiration would hit me. How was her walk, what was the weather like? I didn’t know what I would serve tonight, but I knew how the"how" isn't necessary standing there would not do anything either, I walked up to the bakery. Inside, the smell of fresh bread hit me, making my head swoon. I loved this smelled smell; it made me remember "remember" doesn't fit here, try "think" or "reminisce" instead. of my youth. When I was little, we use to come here all the time, since it was owned by my aunt. My mom always liked to help, making little bread and cakes whenever she had the time. But she had to let go of all that when she became really sick. Sometimes, I came here only to remember the days when she was still around. What was she sick with?

“Cathy!” I heard a little voice scream "squeal" sounded less harsh while I was closing the door behind me. I turned around in time to catch my cousin in my arms.

“Hi Claire,” I said, squeezing her tight in my arms before letting go.

“Hi Catherine, how are you doing today?” My aunt asked, already taking my cousin by the hand to pull her back to the counter.

“I’m good... a little exhausted, I must say,” I said, smiling at her. I always loved my aunt, she remembered me of my mother with her curly brown hair, and her kind eyes.

“I’m pretty occupied these days too, with the summer coming and all,” she said, while she packed one loaf of bread in cloth; my usual.

“Actually, father is have some company for dinner tonight... can you pack me another one?” I asked, looking over the counter to watch her carefully wrapping them.

“He is having company?” My aunt asked, lifting a brow in curiosity. I shook my head, laughing at her.

“I don’t know, I have not seen them,” I said, shrugging.

“I have not seen Uncle Robert in a long time,” Claire said. She was now perched on the counter, looking at me with big blue eyes.

“I know sweetheart, but he is really occupied these days... Barely comes out of the house, I promise we are going to come visit you soon, when he has time,” I said to her, making my tone soothing.

“Talking about time... We have to head out of town for a night, would you mind to take care of Claire?” My aunt asked, eyes searching mine.

“Yes, I would really like that,” I say, smiling at my cousin. She smiled back, her eyes gleaming with excitement.

“I will talk to you when it is time then,” my aunt said, waving goodbye as I head out the door.

I had to go to a few stores, but when I finally had all I wanted, I turned to the path that would lead to my house. At the same moment a hand caught my arm, and at the same time I heard a name whispered in my ear.

“Catherine.” I spun around, my heart beating hard in my chest.

“Oh, your Majesty...” I acclaimed, surprised.

“It is your name; is that right?” I nodded, to daze to let any words leave my mouth.

“I am sorry I scared you, it was not my intention...” He said, he waited a few minutes for my answer but then continued, seeing that I was too shocked to speak.

“You’re the blacksmith’s daughter, are you not?” He asked. “I need you to show me the way,” without any hesitation, started walking showing him the path to my house.

Why would the prince talk to me? Wait, why would he want to go to my house, or talk to my dad? Ah... right. He was the blacksmith of the village. Everyone turned to him if they needed something. I laughed at how I had immediately assumed it was about me. Yeah, you would like that, I thought to myself. The prince Leo was extremely gorgeous and I had a crush on him since I was little, just like every other girl in our village. Yes, Leo was handsome but the rumors also said that he had a sweet tooth for women. At the castle, everyone said that he slept with different ladies every night...

I heard him scratching his throat loudly, sending me back to reality.

“Why do you want to see my father?” I asked, and then felt my cheeks burn when I remembered I was talking to the prince.

“I’m sorry, you do not have to answer, Majesty,” I said in a little voice. I was walking in front of him and I could not see his face but I was still surprised when I heard his voice.

“I have to make another sword and I thought of your father. Father always ordered his swords in a village close by, but I thought that it would be good to encourage someone who lives here,” he said, looking up at the sky. I think it would be highly unlikely that a prince would be out wandering without any sort of protection looking for a local blacksmith. He would send a courier instead and wouldn't risk his own personal safety. I understand you needed them to meet but it would sound better if it were under more realistic circumstances.

“And what were you doing out at the market? These those things look really heavy, here let me take them,” I stopped and look at the prince in wonder. Like that; he looked like any other villager. Asking to help a woman and trying to make conversation. Just like that, I had the feeling I had just made a new friend. And now, we were talking like any other young adults in the world, with no differences separating us. A prince carrying a poor peasant's groceries? He would be taught from childhood that he was superior to the poor, again not very likely that this would happen.


Overall it wasn't bad, like I said you tend to hop between the past and the present and that was a bit of a distraction. I also think your story was a bit unlikely but hey anything's possible I guess! I'm just the critic.
Hope I didn't sound too harsh ;)
-day
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere." ~courtesy of one of history's funniest men, Groucho Marx. ^_^




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first thing i noticed is the misspelling of dinner. But d@ydre@mer27 has covered the most important point.
she remembered me of my mother” replace remember with reminded.
Don’t repeat too much on how exhausted she is, I think you really need to show how exhausted she is, so we can somehow feel how she is feeling, we as the reader need to connect with the characters.
While she packed one loaf of bread in cloth” I don’t get this part, packed on loaf of bread in cloth?
I nodded, to daze to let any words leave my mouth” to daze should be corrected to, ‘too dazed’
I stopped and look at the Prince in wonder.” Correct to stopped and looked.
Try and make it realistic especially when she meets the Prince. My theory is if making it realistic is hard enough just feign it through the language. Imagine yourself as the girl at the shop and a prince just walked in, you could describe how he looked, your feelings to how you have seen him from a far compared to being this close to him, step into her shoes and imagine how the scene folds out writing it intimately. I hope this is not harsh criticism and thank you for the review hey.



Spend your days thinking about things that are good and true and beautiful and noble, and you will become good and true and beautiful and noble.
— Matthew Kelly