Screams of Tortured Hope

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Ok this my first time posting here...this is an opening to maybe a larger story inspired by a documentary I recently saw called 'Last Train Home'. Feel free to not hold back, just wanted to see if stuff I write is any good. Thank you in advance.

Screams of Tortured Hope
By NecessaryTruth

Yami was a dreamer; he had always been for as long as he could remember. To him the valley never seemed like a life, but rather a gateway to it. Since he was young he had dreamt of jumping into the Yung River and letting his body slowly drift in its solemn current down to Nui Lake. There he would eventually topple over the horizon in the last of the sun’s radiant warmth, which painted the sky with streaks of bloodied golden light.
There was nothing among the rice fields, which were stacked upon the valley sides that cried out for him to stay. Only the hollow emptiness of the bitter winter air lingered like a stale reminder of how alone and forgotten his village was. Even his parents had severed their sacred bond with their children and rushed off to the city, leaving him and his sister with his elderly grandparents.
This thought brought anger that rushed through his veins like a rotting wave of rage, which had been left untouched for far too long. Their faces flashed before him, sincere with empty words that dammed everything he had ever done. The annual visits of New Year brought a bitter taste to his mouth, as instead of offering words of encouragement they spoke only of working harder.
He was simply not as clever as some of the other children in his class, which was why he never was the best. He had tried to explain that no one was who they wanted to be, it was simply one of the ways of the world. At that his mother would sink into a glum face of disappointment and his father would break into a traditional violent rage, which was to be expected after Yami’s impertinence.
He let out a long breath and watched it rise into the sky before fading from existence and longed to be able to do just that. If only he could simply walk away from his life, if somehow he could be born again an orphan with no sister or grandparents to care for. Only that was a wish that he knew, even if they did come true, would never happen - he was stuck in his life with no way of escape.
Slowly he adjusted his position on the crumbling stone wall, bringing his knees to his chest and hugging them tight in a desperate attempt to stop shivering. Now only the last few minutes of light were left and the iron grip of night was beginning to clamp down upon the world. In a natural reflex his hand found its way to the picture he hid in his right pocket.
It was of a young girl, not much older than the sixteen-year-old boy who stared at her, and must have been torn from some old magazine. Beneath the dirt and the creases he could just about make out the blue eyes that held his dream. The one tiny speck of hope he could not untangle from his heart, no matter how hard he tried.
Yami closed his eyes and let his mind wonder in the dream of a life, far away from the tyranny and corruption of China. Somewhere in the skylights of London or New York where he would drive a car and wear a silk suit and leather shoes and have her by his side. She would wear a red dress and play the piano with a light touch.
Then he opened his eyes and was whipped back into the dark realities of life, complete with all the gritty dirt that clung to his clothing. His eyes fell upon the murky water of the Yung River and for a second contemplated jumping in. He would float just like that log, slowly in the comforting icy hold of the river.
He was just about to turn away and sneak off to his bed, when he caught a splash of water from the tree trunk. Another splash followed as a large branch swung up into the air and into the water again, probably as it tumbled in the current. He watched it happen again, but this time did not see the dark bark of a tree, but rather the fleshy pink of a hand.




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Before I go to work I want to tell you that everbody's works that are on here are WONDERFUL!! You are not an exeption. Don't worry.
Now - on to the nitpicks!
NecessaryTruth wrote:Screams of Tortured Hope
By NecessaryTruth

Yami was a dreamer; he had always been for as long as he could remember. To him the valley never seemed like a life, but rather a gateway to it. Since he was young he had dreamed of jumping into the Yung River and letting his body slowly drift in its solemn current down to Nui Lake. There he would eventually topple over the horizon in the last of the sun’s radiant warmth, which painted the sky with streaks of bloodied golden light. Like that, "bloodied golden light"! It just... Sounds cool :)
There was nothing among the rice fields, which were stacked upon the valley sides that cried out for him to stay. Only the hollow emptiness of the bitter winter air lingered like a stale reminder of how alone and forgotten his village was. Even his parents had severed their sacred bond with their children and rushed off to the city, leaving him and his sister with his elderly grandparents.
This thought brought anger that rushed through his veins like a rotting wave of ragethis seems a little awkward..., which had been left untouched for far too long.
(enter)Their faces flashed before him, sincere with empty words that dammed everything he had ever done. The annual visits of New Year brought a bitter taste to his mouth, as if instead of offering words of encouragement they spoke only of working harder.
He was simply not as clever as some of the other children in his class, which was why he never was the best. He had tried to explain that no one was who they wanted to be, it was simply one of the ways of the world. At that his mother would sink into a glum face of disappointment and his father would break into a traditional violent rage, which was to be expected after Yami’s impertinence.
He let out a long breath and watched it rise into the sky before fading from existence and longed to be able to do just that.
(enter)If only he could simply walk away from his life, if somehow he could be born again, an orphan with no sister or grandparents to care for. Only that was a wish that he knew, even if they did come true, would never happen - he was stuck in his life with no way of escape.
Slowly he adjusted his position on the crumbling stone wall, bringing his knees to his chest and hugging them tight in a desperate attempt to stop shivering. Now only the last few minutes of light were left and the iron grip of night was beginning to clamp down upon the world. In a natural reflex his hand found its way to the picture he hid in his right pocket.
It was of a young girl, not much older than the sixteen-year-old boy who stared at her, and must have been torn from some old magazine. Beneath the dirt and the creases he could just about make out the blue eyes that held his dream. The one tiny speck of hope he could not untangle from his heart, no matter how hard he tried.
Yami closed his eyes and let his mind wonder in the dream of a life, far away from the tyranny and corruption of China. Somewhere in the skylights of London or New York where he would drive a car and wear a silk suit and leather shoes and have her by his side. She would wear a red dress and play the piano with a light touch.
Then he opened his eyes and was whipped I don't think whipped is the correct word here, it just doesn't sound right somehow... back into the dark realities of life, complete with all the gritty dirt that clung to his clothing. His eyes fell upon the murky water of the Yung River and for a second he contemplated jumping in. He would float just like a log, slowly in the comforting icy hold of the river.
He was just about to turn away and sneak off to his bed, when he caught a splash of water from the tree trunk. Another splash followed as a large branch swung up into the air and into the water again, probably as it tumbled in the current. He watched it happen again, but this time did not see the dark bark of a tree, but rather the fleshy pink of a hand. Oooooh. Creepy.


Cool story! I kind of liked it but you need more information. Of course, yes, I know it's a short story, but still, information is pretty important!! You actually do give a lot of information (you still need a bit more), but he also needs a bit more emotion.

I had fun editing your story! Keep writing!
Alzora
"Just remember there's a difference between stalking people on the internet, and going to their house and cutting their skin off." - Jenna Marbles

~ Yeah I'm letting go of what I had, yeah I'm living now and living loud ~




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Try giving your characters more emotion. The readers have to feel what they are feeling. If your character is sad, the readers should feel sad too. If he is happy, we should be happy. Work on your descriptions a little more too, but otherwise this was very good:)




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I liked the story itself, it seemed to be really well written. You should have more faith in yourself, this story is really quite good, especially for your first post.
I like the fact the story is quite slow paced and that you don't try to speed it up or make it more elaborate than it needs to be. In places through I think a little more explanation could add a great deal to the story. For example, the photo of the girl and the blue eyes that held his dream, why was this? Was this a girl that Yami had feelings for, or was she someone he knew that had made something of her life?
Obviously if the hint of mystery was what you were aiming for then it was very well done, and it doesn't really need changed, that's just my personal preference.
I also really liked the way you ended the story; a cliffhanger but less in-your-face than the traditional punchy kind.

Overall well done.

P.S, I liked the name of the story, it definitely piqued my interest.




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Hiya!

This is only the second review I've done in a long while, so please bear with me.

Sentences:

Oki doki! Some of your sentences are quite long, and in some places you could easily split those overly long sentences in half. There is no need for some long, seemingly endless sentences. Don't misunderstand! Don't get rid of them all! But certain places where you've placed a comma, you could turn that into a period. And you'd get the same reaction from your reader.

Description:

Loved it! I love when there is plenty of description. And on the bonus side, you didn't overdo it! Yah! *dances jig*
But [don't panic as there is always a but] you have skimmed over some details that your reader could use to complete the mental picture in their mind. Lemme check back and find some.

His eyes fell upon the murky water of the Yung River and for a second contemplated jumping in. He would float just like that log, slowly in the comforting icy hold of the river.


The first sentence he is looking at the river. The second you claim there is a log floating there. What log? Perhaps you could somehow briefly mention the log floating in the Yung River when his eyes fell upon it.

That's just one of them. The description is good, but make sure you don't go overboard!

The Story:

That's it. I really couldn't see what it was about. This boy in China, who was abandoned by his parents and he wants to leave. But then he sits there and dwells in negative energy until the last sentence where some excitement finally happened.Who was the girl in the photo? Someone famous? Was she of China too? Why did his parents leave?

Overall:

It was interesting. I liked it. Great description. It was a rather dull beginning and many questions were raised. I know it is only the beginning, but still.

If you have any questions or decide to post some more, PM me.

Toodles.

Meadow
Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"




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welcome to the forum world and unfortunetly i have nothing to give except for my advice
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KEEP GOING SUSPENCEFUL MUCH HAHAHAHA your going to be great kid i just feel it in my gut




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First off I would like to state that your spelling and grammar is impeccable and that the only mistakes I have found in that section was that you need to indent each paragraph.
Secondly, as some of the former commentors have said, you need more emotion in the character. Such as: is the boy just angry, or is there also sorrow intertwined in his rebellious state?
Finally, you need to explain the boy just a bit better. You explained that he is not the best in class, not that loved by his parents, and such, but what really is his background? Is there anyone in which he confides to, or is he just a loner? And we know he dreams, but what is he really doomed to in his life?
Overall, I love the story, the detail is amazing and the adjectives really capture the essence of the story. I hope to hear the sequel to this soon.



In a world too often governed by corruption and arrogance, it can be difficult to stay true to one's literary and philosophical principles.
— Lemony Snicket