Best Friends.

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I read about it in the paper, in the subway, on my way to work. I knew I was right—didn’t want to be right, but knew I was. She was gone. She was gone, and it was my fault. All my fault.

I’d gotten in the habit of repeating things for emphasis when I talked to people.

“It’s really cold outside,” I’d say to my mother. “Really cold.”

My mother, usually so alert for signs that I might be losing my mind or growing a third eye, hadn’t noticed. It must have had something to do with the alcohol I kept finding around the house.

My parents weren’t mean, they were just normal. Yeah sure my mother was a recovering alcoholic and the “recovery” part wasn’t working out so well, but who hasn’t heard that one before? My grandfather used to tell me all the time to think of myself as the star of the movie of my own life. But there were hundreds of other movies just like mine—no one, not even me, would pay a nickel to see my life story. I was boring.

Luna, on the other hand. Phew. Even her name was a moneymaker. All that bullshit about “everybody being different” only seemed to apply to her. She was different than anybody else I had ever known, and somehow when I was around her, I felt the same way about myself. I didn’t feel like a loser anymore, I felt like Oliver, Oliver Martin, rather than ‘a boy.’

Luna was really smart. You wouldn’t know it if you saw her; people always assume she’s a ditz. She’s blonde and never looks like she’s “all there.” But that’s just because she’s Luna.

In preschool, she was the only one who could count higher than 20. She could count all the way up to infinity. She told me, back when we were four years old, she told me that she could count the grains of sand on a beach, or the blades of grass on a lawn, or the stars in the sky.

“Ollie,” she would say. “Bring me that leaf over there.”

And when I’d brought it to her, she’d tell me all sorts of things about that one little leaf. About how old it was and why it was green and what kind of tree it was from. And then she’d ask me where I’d gotten the leaf.

“From that tree,” I’d tell her.

And her face would grow white and her eyes, though already as big as quarters would grow so wide that I could see the moon in them.

“You picked it off a tree?”

I’d nod. Her eyes would start to sparkle like the dew I saw on the grass when I looked out my window every morning.

“How would you like it if I ripped off your finger?” She’d demand. “Or tore out your hair? Huh?”

And I’d sit there, watching her tears cascade down her cheeks and land on her jeans. And I wouldn’t say anything. I couldn’t say anything. There was no way to comfort a girl like Luna, the same way there was no way to attach a leaf back on a tree after you’d torn it off.

And after she’d calmed down a little, she’d look up at me, her eyes two clean, white pearls in the middle of dirty tearstains. “Ollie,” she’d say. “O, don’t hurt trees anymore.”

And I’d nod, my eyes as wide as saucers. And then a week later, the whole episode would be repeated.

As we got older, we got closer.

It’s impossible, my mother used to say to my father, for them to spend any more time with each other than they already do.

Usually she slept at my house, her warm body snuggled against mine, her silky hair brushing my cheek. My parents thought it odd but they never protested. I got grumpy if I went too long without seeing her. She knew me inside and out, she understood me better than I understood myself. When she wasn’t around, I wasn’t entirely sure exactly who I was.

People at school were used to us coming in together, holding hands. They all pretended to believe us when we told them we weren’t dating, that we never had and never would, but I knew they all secretly thought so.

She was so beautiful. Her hair was long and silvery blonde, all the way down to the top of her waist. Her eyes were green and turned purple in the right light. She was porcelain-skinned, which no one could understand because she spent so much time in the sun. She was tall and slender and had a ballerina’s posture because she used to dance 20 hours a week up until last year when she quit.

“Oliver,” she’d said to me one night as we lay out in my 7 acre backyard. My head was in her lap and she’d been dipping her feet in the stream as she gently stroked my hair. I had a horrible cold. “Oliver,” she said again.

“Yes?” I blinked up at her.

“Do you think I’m pretty?”

I rolled my eyes. “Loo, you’re ugly. Please get over it.”

She smiled, a little sadly, and looked out over the fields. “Kurt Jenson wants to date me,” she said, looking back down at me.

I snorted. “Kurt Jenson wants to fuck you, is what he wants to do.”

“Do you really think so?”

Luna often used phrases that most people only used when they were being sarcastic. But Luna was never sarcastic. She felt like she was lying to people, saying one thing and meaning another.

“Yes, beautiful. I know so.”

She slapped my cheek playfully. I sat up and pecked her cheek. We looked at each other for a long time, the wind lifting strands of her hair and dancing around with them until they parachuted back down to her shoulders and new ones took their place. She put her hand lightly on my cheek, her eyes welling up with tears that I had ignored.

And before I even thought about what I was doing, I was on top of her, our lips pressing together hungrily. She wrapped her leg around my waist and moaned softly and my breathing got quicker and quicker and my heart pounded faster and faster.

She was so beautiful, this girl. My best friend. My only true friend, really. The one who knew me better than I knew myself and the girl I’d spent a majority of my life with. Of course I loved her, I’d known that for a long time. But I hadn’t realized I loved her like this.

I knew she wanted me to stop. You couldn’t tell physically, no sir. But I knew Luna and I knew that she was scared of feeling like this.

When it was over and I rolled off her, breathing hoarsely, she slid back into her dress and stood up quickly.

“Loo…” I said, exhausted. “Loo, please. Stay.”

She just looked at me, wiping her eyes stubbornly, then turned abruptly on her heel and left me lying there alone in the grass.

That was three days ago. The next time I saw her she was in the paper. They showed her junior year school picture along with the story.

It was big news in my small town, a girl hanging herself. No one could figure out why. She was beautiful, smart, had a family that adored her, and the best kind of best friend. Except the last part wasn't true. It was my fault she’d hung herself from the stairwell outside her room. The stairwell where we first held hands, where I first told her that I had a crush on our chemistry teacher. Luna was gone, and it was ripping my heart into shreds.
Last edited by Drawers on Fri Jul 09, 2010 8:02 pm, edited 4 times in total.
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.




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Hey, I'm Eddie, and I'm going to have a go at reviewing this for you. :)

First of all, wow. Wow again, I was definitely NOT expecting the ending, so that brings me to my first point. You provided a 'shock effect' really well, without giving too much away or making it really cliche or anti-climactic etc. It was good, well done for that. Its definitely made me want to read more, to find out why. Well, unless this is the end? :(

Secondly I'm a little confused, at the beginning Luna refers to him as 'Paul' and then halfway through he becames 'Ollie'? Sorry if I've misunderstood somehow, but that part threw me a little.

I also really really liked how the story became full circle, the first few sentences tying in with the last, thats a really good technique to use.

The descriptions were nice and well thought out, you'd give away a little snippet, and then a little more. That was effective, I tend to end up giving out way too much to begin with.

Sorry if I'm nitpicking again, but at the beginning you mention how his mother is single, but then later on you write.

Drawers wrote:It’s impossible, my mother used to say to my father, for them to spend any more time with each other than they already do.


I don't have much in way of constructive feedback, only to correct a few of the 'misunderstandings' if thats what they were, and maybe write more. Please?

xo
"If you want to be a writer, you must do two things above all others: read a lot and write a lot. There's no way around these two things that I'm aware of, no shortcut." - Stephen King.

EDDiE. :]

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Not here to review; just to say: Wow.
That was such a good story to begin with, and everyone already think they know what's going to happen. The last paragraph was a twist that I don't think anyone expected. Are you planning to add on to this or is it just a short story?
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Jet here for a quick review! I've read this a few times through, but I'll nitpick first rather than giving my impressions, as you've not had many language-related crits yet.

Nitpicks

I’d gotten in the habit of repeating things for emphasis when I talked to people.


I don't know whether this is actually a sign of madness or whether you just plucked that idea out of the air. If it was the latter, I'd consider changing it, because I got the impression you were lampshading your own melodrama in the opening few lines. The "all my fault" line has been done so many times, it's lost its impact. I'd rephrase that one if you can, so that the line I've quoted above doesn't seem to parody your own choice of language.

My parents weren’t meansemi-colon they were just normal.


Yeahcomma surecomma my mother was a recovering alcoholic and the “recovery” part wasn’t working out so well, but who hasn’t heard that one before?


I was boring.


I know the effect you're aiming for here, but please cut this. So early on in the story, your reader is still asking herself, "Why am I reading this?" You don't want this sentence to act as an answer. Plus, it makes your MC seem even more self-pitying than he already is - I know he's justified, having read to the end, but when we're being introduced to him, it doesn't work well.

She was different than from anybody else I had ever known, and somehow when I was around her, I felt the same way about myself.


To be honest, even with that correction, the sentence still doesn't flow very well. Consider rewording.

I didn’t feel like a loser anymorefull stop. I felt like Oliver, Oliver Martin, rather than ‘a boy.’


You have quite a few of these comma splices. Make sure you proof-read carefully and check for these next time.

She told me, back when we were four years old, she told me that she could count the grains of sand on a beach, or the blades of grass on a lawn, or the stars in the sky.


This is very pretty imagery, by the way.

“How would you like it if I ripped off your finger?” She’d she'd demand. “Or tore out your hair? Huh?”


She was tall and slender and had a ballerina’s posture because she used to dance 20 hours a week up until last year when she quit.


I would cut from "because" onwards. It flows much better without the added detail and we don't question why she has a ballerina's posture. In fact, it adds to her beauty if that's a natural attribute.

I knew she wanted me to stop. You couldn’t tell physically, no sir. But I knew Luna and I knew that she was scared of feeling like this.


Cut the "no sir". Again, that self-conscious, snarky voice is coming into play, and I don't want it to in a piece that's this... delicate, I suppose, is the right word to use.

“Loo…” I said, exhausted. “Loo, please. Stay.”


I would change this nickname to anything other than "loo". It could be Lu, or Lou, but Loo is just a step too far!

where I first told her that I had a crush on our chemistry teacher.


I'm not sure about this. It feels like a betrayal, just to add to all the rest. I'd cut it and replace it with something more symbolic of their friendship.

General

I'm not sure the ending really justifies the character. Luna does seem fragile, it's true, but not to that extent. We had the leaf description, which was genuinely touching, but that was back when she was four. We have very little to go on in terms of her insecurity as a teenager, so I'd develop that conversation about Kurt Jenson further. I want to feel that she could be broken so easily by her best friend's mistake, and though I can see that they're close, I don't know whether I believe that she'd let it hurt her so much. You're nearly there, though; I just want something to make me see that Luna's just as lost without Ollie as he is without her.

I think Ollie's love for her is very fierce, so your writing should be fiercer at that point. He's suddenly overcome with it, so your writing style can change abruptly with that in mind. Don't restrict yourself at that point. Try some long sentences, building to the moment when Luna breaks it off. It's too fast otherwise.

Lastly, don't mock your own writing. It only comes out once or twice in the nitpicks I've mentioned above, but this is romance. You can't avoid the very essence of it, which is two characters falling in love. If it's not your cup of tea, that's fine; I write some romance myself, but I don't necessarily enjoy reading romantic novels. However, there's no reason to backtrack while writing and try to justify some of the clichés. If it's clichéd, don't use it.

Other than that, I can't think of too much to say, critically. Your characters are well drawn - Luna, especially, though your narrator's voice is also quite strong. I wasn't totally shocked by the ending, but I liked the story as a whole and I think it only requires a little tweaking to reach its full potential. I hope my review helps with that.

- Jet.




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I liked it, I did but I have some questions.
First, I get that Oliver and Luna slept together but the thing that confused me was whether or not it was rape. At first I didn't thinnk it was, then rereading when he was talking about stopping, I got confused about it. Then you talked about how she was kissing him back and all of that, which confused me more! So please clarify!
Second, the sucide. Why did she commit it? I understand it had to do with having sex with Oliver since it was so close to it time wise but was there anything else going on with her? That part didn't make much sense to me because I didn't get the part before.
Three, what makes Luna so special? I got that she was strong willed, sort of naive, and pretty but what made her so much more special than anyone else?
And last but not least, I do really like your characters. Your writing style was good and I could picture them as real people. Keep up the good work!
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Wow! This was really good! Wasn'y expecting that ending at all. Except the beging after the short intro. I don't know what was about it, but it just didn't really seem to fit in with the rest of the story. I suggest just going on about how he feels reading the paper and more about his frienship with Luna when he was younger as well as today. The part about his family and comparring himself with Luna really doesn't seem neccesary in this story. Also I make a suggestion that in the very end of your story you take out his opion and write out whata the story said on the paper. Just to give the end a little extra twist.

I don't know if this was simply a short story or you had futher plans for this. I hope you do write more. I think you can do alot more with this even after one of your main characters is dead. You could do someling like a rewrite of "The Pact", and have more flash backs when the two of them were younger and fighting through friendship and then in the present give more to the story about why she hung herself. Maybe it wasn't all Oliver's fault? Maybe there was someone else involved that he never knew about? What was her reason she couldn't seriousely be with him and how does it counteract with today?

Let me know if you decide to write more. I found the begging a bit dull and dragging, but then when the flash back with Luna came along I found myself disapointed when the story ended. Keep it up.
Aly-son
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Don't mean to push you or anything, but can you PLEASE write more on this story, it is so well written and heartfelt and makes the romantic short story i'm trying to write look like drivel.
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Wow, Drawer, this is really good. To be honest, I think some people are over nitpicking it to suit their taste and that irritates me a little bit. You write absolutely beautifully and definitely far beyond your years. You use great comparisons and imagery, and you relate your characters' emotions to the audience so well. You take us through Oliver's thought process so effectively.

I do have a few nitpicks though

You couldn’t tell physically, no sir.

I agree with Jetpack on this. There's just something wrong with the 'no sir'.

I rolled my eyes. “Loo, you’re ugly. Please get over it.”

I love this. It's so cheeky.

where I first told her that I had a crush on our chemistry teacher

I thought this was a little too off the topic to be weaved into the emotional being conveyed here. It's like you're trying to get to the end of the story and understand it all and then you're kind of like 'Chemistry teacher? What's that doing there?'

Now, this is the end of your story and I have no business telling you whether it's right or wrong. I do kind of agree with Jetpack that Luna killing herself is perhaps too far for her to go. I'd understand if Ollie raped her, but since he didn't it just seems too dramatic to be realistic.

That said, this is still a beautifully written piece of work and I congratulate you on it. You give us 16 year olds a good name :)

Keep writing :)

~^~Xirenia~^~
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