Broken Strings (prologue)

I'm a prisoner once.
I'm a prisoner, tied on the wrists and ankles with strings. Unable to move, unable to be free. Unable to breathe.
I don't need air anyway. I'm a doll. Just a doll.
I struggled. I tried to be free, but the strings are too tight.
Then I felt the strings move my arms and legs, controlling my every move, controlling my life. Day after day it continue, until I felt the pain from my weak arms and legs. Then I heard a sound, a snap, and I fell down to the ground, limp, motionless, frozen.
The strings are broken, but so is my life. Now I can't move anymore. I'm just a doll now, with freedom but without a life.
Then something happened. Blood flowed through my veins, and my skin began to have color. I felt strength in my body, and so I'm strong enough to move. To live on my own.
I gather the broken strings and put the in my pocket, just in case I'll ever need them again someday.

I'm a prisoner once. But not anymore.

Okay. I am not sure whether to be interested or bored by this piece. It had the makings of something, it had some good imagery, some effective use of metaphor, but it somehow fell a bit short because of a few awkward bits and an abrupt resolution to what I saw as quite an interesting dilemma.

I felt that the character's purpose was diminished by the strength they gained, and it would have been interesting to see how you built on the character's feelings... and produced a drive toward gaining that strength in a hard, grim, nitty gritty kind of way... Emphasising the difference and perhaps the choice between the ease of being led on strings (controlled), and the impossibility of moving when given freedom... being a doll.

The awkwardness I mentioned stems from your changing tense (or poor word use). For example, in the first sentence, you say: "(I'm)/(I am) a prisoner once." You need to decide whether you are using present tense or past tense, as this is a recurring theme in your piece.

Example of Past Tense: "I was a prisoner once."

Example of Present Tense: "I am a prisoner."

One line I particularly liked was this one: "I'm just a doll now, with freedom but without a life." With freedom, but without a life. It speaks to me somehow, and I would have loved to see you develop that a bit more.

I admit, I was not extremely gripped by this... Although you have left yourself plenty of room to build on this in later writing, I am not feeling the excitement I want to be feeling. You want your prologue to establish a high level of interest! This piece has some colour, but not enough shine. To improve it, you need to introduce your character a bit more, get a nice pace going, and make us care. There is only so much you can achieve with this wispy, ephemeral, artsy stuff. You need to put meat on the bones of this prologue. Stuff substance into the ether. Put life into this stitched monster of text!

The thing I am mostly uncertain about, is how you're planning to make this into a romance from here. I mean, this writing isn't bad, but I am not sure where it is going exactly. What I gather, in a nutshell, is that the character was once a prisoner, led on strings, but not anymore... Are these strings literal? Is the character actually a doll? Or are we to expect this prologue to somehow reflect the protagonist and their feelings at the beginning of the story?

So yeah: There is a certain ambiguity about my impression of this piece. I am not sure if I should throw it in an emo bin, look more closely at it, or just back away slowly.

Hmmmm... that was pretty good.
Except part of it was kind of like "Wow! I get it!" and then somewhere in there, it was like "What?"...
I would suggest reviewing it yourself, and editing.
I liked it, it had a good picture to it, imagery.
I just think it needs a little bit more work...

Hello there.

I'm was a prisoner once.This part right here doesn't make sense. Once relates to something that was in the past, well in fact you are using the present for your verb tense.
I'm a prisoner, tied on by the wrists and ankles with strings. Unable to move, unable to free myself. Unable to breathe.
I don't need air anyway. I'm a doll. Just a doll.
I struggled. I tried to be free, but the strings are too tight. You are repeating yourself here. Just take off the part in red.
ThenI felt the strings move my arms and legs, controlling my every move, controlling my life. Day after day it continued, until I felt the pain from my weak arms and legs. Then I heard a sound, a snap, and I fell down to the ground, limp, motionless, frozen.
The strings are broken, but so is my life. Now I can't move anymore. I'm just a doll now, with freedom but without a life.
Then something happened. Blood flowed through my veins, and my skin began to have color. This part sounds a little weird... Maybe you want to rephrase it. I felt strength in my body, and so I'm strong enough to move. To live on my own.
I gather the broken strings and put them in my pocket, just in case I'll ever need them again someday. Why would someone need broken strings that use to control you?

I'm was a prisoner once. But not anymore.

This was interesting, but you have to check your verb tense. If you begin with present, then stick with present. And the same goes for past. I would recommend that you write in past, because it's normally easier to write. I'm looking forward to reading more of this.

Keep writing!

-Other One

hi! I'm pointe and I am going to do a review for you today


I'm a prisoner once.
ONCE? what does this mean?

I'm a prisoner, tied on the wrists and ankles with strings. Unable to move, unable to be free. Unable to breathe.
I don't need air anyway. I'm a doll. Just a doll.
nice!

I struggled. I tried to be free, but the strings are too tight.
Then I felt the strings move my arms and legs, controlling my every move, controlling my life. Day after day it continue, until I felt the pain from my weak arms and legs. Then I heard a sound, a snap, and I fell down to the ground, limp, motionless, frozen.
The strings are broken, but so is my life. Now I can't move anymore. I'm just a doll now, with freedom but without a life.
Then something happened. Blood flowed through my veins, and my skin began to have color. I felt strength in my body, and so I'm strong enough to move. To live on my own.
I gather the broken strings and put the in my pocket, just in case I'll ever need them again someday.

I'm a prisoneronce. But not anymore.
how about: I was a prisoner, but not anymore.
Overall: its okay: it could be really good, or really boring.But I'm liking it
keep up the good work!
~pointe

hey dark.
i won't focus on the grammar and capitalization and punctuation and other errors, because the other reviewers have pointed them out. still, i encourage you to keep writing and continue this one.

part of me was like, "that's it?" i mean, this is very predictable. maybe you should change the imagery, make it more dark, because it can be easily comprehended. try adding a little mystery.

i love to read the next part.

`your sis, telle.