Captive

I need your honesty opinions....


You lied to my face
looked deep in my eyes
told me you loved me
filled me with lies.

You smothered my light
Dosed me in gas
Never thought I was better
then a one night bash.

Your knife pierced my heart
Ripped at my flesh
Sliced it in half
Left me a mess.

Your cold icy stare
the burn of your hands
Now I am free
Free from your bands.

Hi there!

"You lied to my face
looked deep in my eyes
told me you loved me
filled me with lies.

You smothered my light (comma?)
Dosed me in gas (Maybe try dosed me with gas)
Never thought I was better
then a one night bash.

Your knife pierced my heart
Ripped at my flesh
Sliced it in half
Left me a mess. (I really liked how you led up to this line)

Your cold icy stare ( comma?)
the burn of your hands
Now I am free
Free from your bands."

I really liked this poem, the vocabulary was simple and straight forward but it really worked for this poem. There were just a couple of little areas that could be fixed up, like with commas and structure but other than that I think it flowed very well and I enjoyed reading it.
Good job, keep writing!
Em

Very good! So much descriptiveness and imagery, which keeps your audience focused. You just need a few things, pauses, capitalization, and periods mostly.

You lied to my face;
Looked deep in my eyes,
told me you loved me,
filled me with lies.

You smothered my light;
Dosed me in gas,
Never thought I was better
than a one night bash.

Your knife pierced my heart;
Ripped at my flesh,
Sliced it in half,
Left me a mess.

Your cold icy stare,
The burn of your hands;
Now I am free,
Free from your bands.

Very nice!

§shiney1§

hi butterfinger.
i like it. i love the strong emotions. punctuation and grammar can be easily edited, so no need to focus on that. nice words. keep writing.

`telle.