rivals

I was in the marching band for a big high school rivalry(field trip), where i live. This is about it.

Kids are piling in,
police taking even more,

Rivals, Rivals, Rivals,
Fight, Fight, Fight!

Cheerleaders leading the crowd,
in a thunder of KA'POW!'s

Fun, Fun, Fun,
Cheer, Cheer, Cheer!

The rhythm of the drums,
The blare of the horns.

Band, Band, Band,
More, More, More!

Players play'in their games,
Fans yelling for #10,

Team, Team, team,
Go, Go, Go!

The game is almost over,
it comes to one last throw,

Shame, shame, shame,
#10,10,10

Hi there,
I couldn't help but notice that you're twelve. Seriously? That's awesome. For your age you are really very good. But I'm going to give you some tips, and I hope that you'll use them in all your future works, not just in editing this one.
1. Some subjects make for better poems than others. In a poem you want your reader to feel what you feel, and to sort of experience the poem like it happened to them, so you want to choose a subject that is universally human, you know? Like, it's fine to write a poem about a game and cheering for it, but what are you trying to SAY? You want to have a message. (I won't say "theme" for fear of sounding like an English teacher)

2. The shorter the poem, the more each word counts. I would argue against repeating so many words so many times because the repeats don't add anything new, you know?

3. We writers always talk about beginnings, middles and ends, right? Usually we're talking about stories, but the same thing has to happen in poems. Your poem has a nice beginning, with the kids all piling into the car - it really feels like the beginning of an event. But it doesn't really have an ending, like, there is no conclusion, just sort of a stopping point. Maybe you could finish with everybody piling back in for the ride home or something. But if you want your reader to feel satisfied at the end, think about a nice wrap-up.

Okay, I'm done critiquing. I want to say again, I think it's great that you're so interested in writing so young. I was seven when I wrote my first story (it was about a two-year-old princess who saved the world, but whatever, right?) and I love seeing younger teens expressing themselves this way. If you ever want to talk about writing, or if when you post more of your work, please PM me. keep up the good work!

DragonWriterFanatic wrote:Kids are piling in,
police taking even more, Piling into what? How does that relate to the police unless they're arresting the kids... But that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. You don't even really need these two lines. Drop them?

Rivals, Rivals, Rivals,
Fight, Fight, Fight!

Cheerleaders leading the crowd,
in a thunder of KA'POW!'s You're saying what happened and slightly how it happened. Yellin with kapow, which doesn't seem like too much of a cheer? At least not one that I've heard anyway. How can you further show the cheerleaders doing their job? In what direction to the lead? How do they do it besides talking? What's their formation even? This is too undescriptive to be related to.

Fun, Fun, Fun,
Cheer, Cheer, Cheer!

The rhythm of the drums,
The blare of the horns. What about them?

Band, Band, Band, This one seems kinda pointless, normally people don't cheer for the band?
More, More, More!

Players play'in their games, What games? Is this soccar? Basketball? Football? Or is it just subjective to whomever is reading this? Which would make this realllly boring because then there's no point to even writing this. It's they played their games (you pick the games).
Fans yelling for #10,

Team, Team, team,
Go, Go, Go!

The game is almost over,
it comes to one last throw, Still vague.

Shame, shame, shame,
#10,10,10

I liked the ending, the last 3 stanzas. They're a bit more indirect and they have a more musical tone to them. You could also describe more oh how it was like to be there. Such as sights, smells, sounds (other than the kapow).

Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.
Also, sorry for the short review. If you have any questions, PM me.

This is an ok poem. I feel it doesn't have much emotion... I like emotion, a lot. Also this line is a bit awkward:

More, More, More!

It doesn't seem to fit for some reason..

Keep writing,
Alzora