The Tales of Alexandria Hamilton Chapter One

Please help me decide if this is going anywhere. Tell me if I should write more or not. Thanks!!

Vacations are one of the few things in the world I hate. I told this to my dad yet he still makes me go on them.
So vacationing isn't high on my list, sue me, kill me, whatever. When you have a family like mine, you learn to hate family get-togethers. Sometimes it gets to that point where you don't even want to go to the annual Christmas party. It's absolutely dreadful.
You see, it wouldn't be so bad if my family were halfway bearable, but they’re not.
Let me explain.

Person Number One: Dad
Dad's a normal dad, except when it comes to me talking about my working experiences. Oh, and he also hates it when I'm put in the newspaper or when my name is on T.V. My dad doesn't like me working for Mr. Clooney or the police force. Over all, Dad watches too many Law and Order shows.

Person Number Two: Mom & Cassie
I put Mom and Cassie as one person because in my eyes they are. Mom is like her sister in so many ways. They have the same taste in clothing, music, and decorations. They also shared same attitudes towards things, and their ignorance toward me. Yes, my own mother ignores me. I guess it's her way of saying she cares for me, but she sure as hell has a funny way of showing it. Cassie is Mom, only shorter and younger. Cassie is a sophomore at Berkeley. She's majoring in psychology. She wants to be a therapist. She gives me shit about my cases. My last case I worked on was the murder of this little boy. I saw him at the crime scene; gunshot through the stomach, no exit wound. He bled to death. The bullet path went down at an angle that suggests that the shooter was taller than him. She gave me stupid therapy session, asking me how I felt about the boy, and stuff like that. Cassie's three years older than me.

Person Number Three: Aunt Sherri
Aunt Sherri is my mother's sister. She stays at home and bakes cookies like a good housewife. She quit her city job as a reporter when she got pregnant with Marshall. Now that Marshall is in his junior year of high school, she just pesters him about his school work. Because Marshall goes to school full time, she has to keep herself occupied, right? So, for her hobby, she gets into other people’s business like it's her own. She plays matchmaker a lot. Sometimes on Cassie & Marshall, but mostly me. The last guy was one of Marshall's stupid friends. While we were waiting to be seated he made a wrong move: hand on my ass means high heel pounding on foot. I will always remember Richard, or was it Vince? Oh, well.

Person Number Four: Marshall
Ah, Marshall. Marshall is handsome, popular, wealthy, and a jackass. He doesn't even acknowledge my presence unless I'm the butt of one of his lame jokes. He's younger and goes to the same school I did. I graduated from Monroe County High school in May. He won't talk to me this whole vacation, if he hasn't been turned into an alien.

Person Number Five: Rick
Rick is the only one who will talk to me willingly. There's not much bad against him. I don't even know why he's on this list. Maybe it’s because five sounds better than four. I don't know.

So my summer begins with an awful car trip to the airport.
* * *

My music was blasting Journey, when my aunt Sherri asks me, "Are you dating anyone, Alex?" I hate it when people use that name. My name is Alexandria, not Alex. She knew that too.
She is sitting in the front seat. My seat is all the way in the back with the luggage. Cassie and Marshall are sitting in the middle seat while Rick drives. Mom and Dad are in their car driving because Mom's suitcases are too much for the van. My mom couldn't leave without everything out of her closet. Her excuse is lame: You never are too prepared. I brought two suitcases full of clothes and shoes for three months. Hello, it's called a washer and dryer.
"No, why?" I asked. I already knew the motive. I just want her to admit that she invited some families interrupted, "with all due respect, I had Serge. get me a job with the local police. When I work I need to be focused, otherwise my mind doesn't work like it should." My involvement with the police force has been going on since I was sixteen, when my neighbor was murdered. I helped solve the case. It was weird; I had found my calling literally. I notice little things, my mind works differently. It's like everything is magnified, yet I still need contacts. I noticed that there was a crack in the wall which turned out to be a secret passageway that came up in the garden. All someone could do is known about the passageway, go inside, steal the jade elephant, see Hoppy, kill her, then leave, and no one would ever suspect. Except me. Ever since then I've been working with the police. Sometimes they let me go undercover. Sergeant Clooney - no, it's not George, it's Bob. I was first assigned to Officer Todd Laney. He was like my best friend. He was middle-aged and slowly losing his jet black hair. He had a beer gut, probably from all the doughnuts he would eat while we were on a stakeout, and he's about five-foot-eleven, that's three inches taller than me. Don't get me wrong, he was a great officer, which made it even more worse when he was shot in the hostage case that went with our last one.
The murderer had cornered him when we were in the house searching for him to arrest. He found Todd first. I shot the bastard, but the sound of the shot still echoed in my ears. After Todd died, I took some time off until Bob found me a new partner. For those few months I needed to work, but Bud, the officer who sits across from me, told me to, told me I needed it. I tried to work at home, but it was too hard for me with Cassie doing her stupid therapy thing. So I went to the creek. If you sit by the little bridge than you can see right into the room where Officer Laney was shot. I would sit there all day and remember the cases we worked together. There were 42 in all.
About three months after the tragic happening, Sergeant Clooney found me a new partner, Officer Chase Johnson. Johnson, as I call him, is new and young. Fresh, as Clooney called him. Clooney gave me his file before he came in the next day. He went to Yale, got a degree in Law Enforcement, and had this job lined up before he graduated. He's from some New Orleans, and is six-foot-one. I remember the day I met him. . .

I was waiting in Clooney's office while he fetched Johnson. I was not happy about this. It took me months to get Laney to understand me, and now I have to do it all over again. Clooney came back in with the guy who just celebrated his 22nd birthday. He was of medium build, had dark brown hair, and pearly white teeth that I could see because he had a damn smile on his face.
"Well," began Clooney, "welcome to the squad, Johnson." He clapped and so did his secretary, Judy. I clapped once then resumed my position in the chair: face set and arms crossed over my chest. The officer looked at me then turned away. "I'm sorry to say that your present isn't very . . . happy at the moment."
"I'm nobody's present." I hissed. Johnson looked at me weird. Clooney caught the look and smiled.
"She's just being herself. I'm warning you, she's no softy." He said, suddenly seriously. "This is your new partner, Alexandria Hamilton. Alexandria, this is your new partner, Chase Johnson." Chase looked at me a wide grin spreading across his face.
"That's great news. I've heard lots of things about you. Don't worry, they're all good." He laughed a bit.
I just scowled at him, "I don't care what they think or you think, all right?"
"Alexandria, don't be like this." said Clooney.
"Like what Clooney? You want me to pretend my partner didn't die, and just moved away? You want me to believe that my partner didn't get shot because of me? I made him go there. I made him go in there without backup. I didn't check the crawl space where the bastard was hidden, and you want me to believe that he wouldn't still be here if I had checked the crawl space. It was my fault he's dead. And you want me to put up with a new person. Why can't I just work by myself so no one else gets hurt?" I was crying now. The sound of the shot was echoing loudly in my ears.
"Alexandria, you know the answer to that question." he said. "We care about you here. Losing you would be like losing a family member. If you're out there by yourself, you'll die and all that training your partner did would be for nothing. Do this for Todd." He knew what to say.
I walked out of there and went straight outside. People were looking. I didn't care. They knew my problem.

Well first of all to answer your question yes I think this is going somewhere and you should write more. But I can also see that it needs a lot of work. You do a lot of information telling in the beginning. And you really didn't need the whole paragraph about what happened to his partner because he already explains that to the other officer.

You need a lot more detail. I was having a hard time figuring out what was going on and you jump around a lot. Try to explain every little detail you can think of. Within reason, of course.

And I noticed at the end your writing was suddenly close together and not in novel format. That was kind of weird because it was in novel format at the beginning.

First you're talking about his family and driving in the car, and then you're suddenly talking about his partner and the new Johnson guy. That didn't make any sense to me. And your chapter kind of ended at a weird place. I don't know if you meant to do that or not, but usually chapters end a little differently.

And one last thing. This really bugged me as I read it.

I just want her to admit that she invited some families interrupted, "with all due respect, I had Serge

That line made absolutely no sense to me. It could just be I'm missing something, but as I read it I feel like it's incomplete or something.

But enough about what was wrong with it. I really like the character. I think if you continue she'll be perfect for the story. And the idea is also great. I read the summary and I really liked it. I hope to read more.

Hey CharlotteGrace,
First off, I thought the beginning with all the descriptions was a good idea, it gives us a bit of a backup to what's coming. The plot is pretty good, but I can't really say anything right now because this is just the beginning but it does have a lot of potential

The grammar is pretty good though I found some sentences harder to follow.

I told this to my dad and/yet yet he still makes me go on them.

you can probably put a coma or an "and" between the "dad" and "yet" to make it flow better.

Ever since then I've been working with the police. Sometimes they let me go undercover. Sergeant Clooney - no, it's not George, it's Bob. I was first assigned to Officer Todd Laney.

This whole thing is awkward to me... it jumps from undercover work to the Sergeant whose name isn't George to Todd. I suggest you write Ever since, I've been working with the police and sometimes, when I'm lucky, they let me go undercover, which is really cool. Sergeant Clooney -no, it's not George, it's Bob- first assigned me with Todd Laney. Just a suggestion

The murderer had cornered him when we were in the house searching for him to arrestto arrest him. He found Todd first.

Did he corner him before he found him?

For those few months I needed to work, but Bud, the officer who sits across from me, told me to, told me I needed it

She took some time off but needed to work then Bud tells her what she already knew, that she needed to work? It's just repeating too much.

My last complaint is the choppiness of the whole thing. It doesn't flow all that well... there's too much periods. Try to combine some of your sentences with some comas and prepositions and double spaced paragraphs and dialogue, it'll make it easier to read.

Over all i thought it's a very good beginning. You set it well and I'm curious of what's going to happen next! I'd love to read more Keep writing!

-Truth-

Thanks for ya'll's advice.I'll remember it when I write the next installment.

-Charlotte Grace

Hey Charlotte! I'm here to raid your portfolio. Maybe critique your novel while I'm here

First things first!
Should you write more? Of course! One of the most crucial rules of writing is to enjoy what you're doing. 90% of what anybody writes is junk, so you might as well enjoy it otherwise you won't get anything out of it. Write for yourself first, not your audience.
Also, quick note, if someone comments on a small error you should fix is as soon as you get the chance. It will show that you're paying attention, and will save other reviewers the time of picking it out.

Characters, characters-
So many characters! I really liked the ones you've introduced in the fist part of this, and the way they're introduced. It's neat, unusual, and still manages to avoid the effect of the infodump. However, in the second part you introduce a whole load of other characters with less of an introduction, and so suddenly in the space of a single first chapter we have an entire cast to keep up with. It's difficult. Try to introduce as few people at a time. If your character is worth having in the story, they deserve their own introduction, rather than a mass intro.

Alex!
Or maybe Alexandria. She seems a bit snobbish, I'm not sure if that is intentional, but it desn't make her very likable. Some of her traits seem a little stereotypical, and the things that make her unique are not very positive traits. I'm guessing she's young, and one of the greatest things about being young is being naive and foolish. She seems like neither. Have her get childishly excited about something, or make an immature mistake. She's a girl, so what male celebrity does she have a huge crush on? These traits may not fit with the kind of personality you want to portray, but they'll make Alex a little more three dimensional.

As for the plot, I'm not really sure what to make of it, so I'll wait before making a comment. On to chapter two.

Hi there, Tenyo. First off, I really like Alexandria as a narrator. She's got attitude and she knows who she is, which is refreshing.

As for the constructive part of this review, you're slipping between past and present tense. And while I enjoyed the beginning and the snappy narrative, I feel that when you dived into the second part - the one describing the start of her work with the police force - too much happens too fast. That history could be a chapter in itself, and you've squished it into a few paragraphs.

I would suggest expanding that part of the story, putting us right into it, and giving it its own chapter. I would like to know as much as possible about Alexandria and how she got mixed up into everything, and right now, I'm just confused and annoyed. In order for the reader to really care about your main character, we need to know her. So while you have her voice down, we need to get her background down.

Also, I'm still unclear as to what Alexandria's gift is. She looked at a crack, and suddenly she knew there was a secret passageway behind it? What kind of gift is that? Usually I don't say this, but in this case, I think you need to spell things out for the reader.

Nitpicks. I'm only going to point out a couple because it looks like your other reviewers have taken care of everything.

He's younger and goes to the same school I did

and

My music was blasting Journey, when my aunt Sherri asks me, "Are you dating anyone, Alex?"

This is what I meant when referring to the fact that you're alternating between tenses. Judging from the rest of your piece, you're going for past tense, so these quotes should read as follows:

He was younger and went to the same school I did

and

My earphone were blasting Journey when my aunt Sherri asked me, "Are you dating anyone, Alex?

People were looking. I didn't care. They knew my problem.

That last part isn't relevent and it doesn't make much sense to me, anyway.

Keep writing. Feel free to PM me once you post more.