Lightless

I'm new, have mercy?
~OphelieLiv

It's an empty room except for a single fluorescent light struggling against the darkness. It knows that just like everything else, slowly it'll be consumed and tossed away. The wallpaper needs tossing away, I'll tell you that much - cigarette burns have made patches of peeling black all around the room. Mind you, they become more frequent closer to the lounge chairs. How many times have they been sat on? Soiled? Puked on? Serenaded? Oh, the life of a musician certainly is a glamorous one.

I light another cigarette and think forward. She'll walk in and look me down whilst unintentionally winding me up. She'll beckon me to her, not wanting the fuss that other girls do. Her promiscuous outfit will not flatter her, but it'll lift her confidence. I'll shrug and get up.

In a whiny voice she pleads, revealing just how old this 'woman' is. "I'm tired of being a virgin." She's too young, but I can't take any more of her pleading. We're barely even friends... but I acquiesce. At least her messages are to be no longer like tiny dogs biting at my ankles.

She finally knocks on the lounge door and surprises me with a small envelope. As I tear the paper, notes drop onto the floor. Fifty dollars worth. I don't want her money, but she insists since I'm the one who's inconvenienced. I give her ten back, she'll need it later. We still haven't spoken, despite my predictions. I make a new burn mark; a perfectly round, black circle in the yellowing wallpaper.

A terrible place to put a lounge is right next to a stage, like they did at this theatre. But The Lord knows I really shouldn't be thinking about that. Slowly her skirt drops and she tries to wiggle out of her tighty whites. I turn away from her and speak, breaking the silence but still blending in with the bass coming through the wall.

"Keep them on and follow me. Giggle as we leave and hold onto my arm so you look like a groupie."

She grips my arm tightly and follows me out the door. There're backstage crew members everywhere whispering into headsets and glaring at us as we walk around them. We turn the corner and leave using the emergency door. Somewhere, alarms are going off. One place being my mind. She's shaking and I can tell it's from nerves, so I hold her hand and smile at her. She loosens her grip and her knees give way slightly. I once again see this is a bad idea - she's barely out of high school.

We stop walking outside a 24/7 petrol station.

"Go get condoms, medium. I gave you ten dollars back, right?"

The fear in her eyes shone through the darkness and her desire to fuck visibly dissipated. Ha, nobody likes to buy condoms. I knew it. She returns with a box of Trojans and we start to walk along the crunchy gravel path of the park. She stops mid-step and sits down on a smooth rock in a garden bed. It's dark, with not even a street lamp to lighten our surroundings. Only the moonlight bathes us in its cold warmth.

A sigh.

"Just get it fucking over with."

"Here? Anyone could see. My car is ju-"

She grabs my belt loops and pulls me towards her. Thunder cracks through the sky and we both jump. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi... Crack. Three miles away, we'd better make this quick. I start to massage her sides, but she holds up her index finger and quickly looks through her bag. Vaseline. She hands me the shiny new tube and drops her underwear. She also throws her skirt into a nearby bush. I roll on the condom and think fleetingly that it’s quite thin, and condom technology has come a long way. I coat up and slide in slowly.

She whimpers.

I begin to apologise but she pulls away and jumps to get her skirt. Everything was happening and not happening. Time is flying so quickly. I look at her with pained eyes. Had I hurt her? Was she okay? I begin to ask what's wrong when she surprises me.

"Now I know," She muses. "I don't like boys."

I light a cigarette and notice that my heart aches. She leaves, and it begins to spit. I don’t move. It begins to pour. I don’t move. Thunder booms. I slowly stand up and squelch to my car, for the first time feeling like a girl with a broken heart.

Interesting....But very well done! I only have minor adjustments.
You keep repeating that the girl is young, but you could still probably say how old she looked at least and still keep people guessing.

It's an empty room 'cept for a single fluorescent light struggling against the darkness. It knows that just like everything else, slowly it'll be consumed and tossed away. You should put the full word of except in there because it ruins the flow and intensity of things.

Mind you, they become more frequent closer to the lounge chairs. You could probably get rid of "more" so it becomes less wordy.

so, is she like gay or something? Was this just a test to see what gender she felt more "comfortable" around? I like how you ended this though. Keep writing because you're awesome!

-Rayne

not really getting the story here i got a bit consued to the whole story line you should try and space it out abit add some feelings like romance or guilt or lovestruck to it so it gives it some good feeling making you want to read on some more.
also try and add names and make the history more clear
over all i think this is quite good just add the few points and it will make an improvement!

Hello there.

I light another cigarette and think forward. She'll walk in and look me down whilst unintentionally winding me up. She'll beckon me to her, not wanting the fuss that other girls do. Her promiscuous outfit will not flatter her, but it'll lift her confidence. I'll shrug and get up.

This part right here is future, and you keep changing from present to future, to pass... Keep it only one tense.

As I tear it open comma notes drop onto the floor, fifty dollars worth.

This story was very confusing. I liked the ending, how in the end, it was the guy that was heartbroken. I presume it was because even though it was her that asked for sex, he wanted it too? I'm going to repeat Rayne here, and say that you might want to tell us how young the girl is... Or even compare the age with the guy so we know why he is really thinking about it. You repeat it at least three times I think, so it must be important to the story, right? If not, then get rid of the two extra times you wrote it, because it's repeated unnecessarily.
So I liked the story, but I have to say it would be better if you clarified some things and make it less confusing. Apart from that, it was great!

Keep writing!

-Other One

Interesting story. Mature content but with vulnerable characters. I like that.

First off, I am a bit unclear on who the characters are, how they know each other, what led up to this incident, etc. I know the ambiguity is probably intentional, but don't be afraid to use this as a first draft, and go back and add detail and backstory to give the story more significance.

Have confidence! Don't be afraid of a long story. You are talented, so assume we want more of this story!

Hey there Rayneisthename, Charlii101, theotherone and DanielRichard.

Thank you for your advice, I'll certainly be changing a few things. I was trying to give the story the feeling of that "It's a story about someone you don't know, who's far far away." Which is why I kept the characters ageless, but I suppose it's just leaving too much to be said. I've changed it to this, what do you think?

Somewhere, alarms are going off. One place being my mind. She's shaking and I can tell it's from nerves, so I hold her hand and smile at her. She loosens her grip and her knees give way slightly. I once again see this is a bad idea - she's barely out of high school.

Concerning tenses, especially in the paragraph cited by theotherone, I'll think you'll find that it does work. The character mentions that he's about to think forward, or in other words predict what will happen when she comes in (using the future tense). You might think that paragraph seems a little pointless because none of it actually happens, but I find it gives you a better insight into her appearance and his perception of her. You did mention that I dip into the past though, where's that so I can fix it up?

I did want to keep this piece brief and with no back story, as I saw it as a bit of an 'exercise'. Perhaps I'll write a story around it? I'm not quite sure, but for now it's going to stay a short. Thank you for your encouragement, it does help me with extending my writing. What I'm worried about more than anything is that it'll become boring. So if I do start to lull, let me know.

Thanks!
~OphelieLiv

Hi OphelieLiv,

This was such a great read and definitely very interesting. It was also mature, it didn't poke around with the whole idea of sexual intercourse, it stayed mature and relevant. Well done! So, some tweaking up would be needed, only a bit. But firstly, I do agree with DanielRichard, introduce some kind of background story leading up to the event and how they met each other. You don't need to add paragraphs at the beginning of your story, but I would recommend flashbacks from the main character, remembering how they first met. I think your story would feel a bit more complete that way, and at the same time, leaving it relatively short.

Ok, now on to some grammatical issues, very small though.

OphelieLiv wrote:The wallpaper needs tossing away, I'll tell you that much

Try changing it to: "The wallpaper needs to be tossed away"

In the next paragraph you've used the word, "acquiesce". Great vocabulary and word, but I don't think many people would know what it means, grab out the ol' thesauras and look for a simpler word. In the paragraph after that, the word "inconvenienced". I know what you're saying, but use another term, something else that you or I would use.

But, I loved this...

OphelieLiv wrote:Somewhere, alarms are going off. One place being my mind.

Really great! Now, in one of your last paragraphs...

OphelieLiv wrote:It’s quite thin, condom technology have come a long way.

"has" not "have". Watch out for that. Then...

OphelieLiv wrote:I slowly stand up and squelch to my car, for the first time feeling like a girl with a broken heart.

Great ending!

With just a bit of tweaking up and the addition of a background, this'll be even better!

Best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf