Taking Flight

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I have to thank my friend watermelonspots for coming up with the title

The Sun’s sister’s light falls down upon me. Her glow shimmers off of my usually invisible extensions. They flutter, opening my dark dwelling. My wings spread out and I bask at their silver shine. Sudden emotions and memories, usually kept away, are tossed all around in their movement. The colorful threads now drape my being, filling me with hopes, dreams, wishes and other such positive feelings. I suck in another ragged breath and will my wings to pick me up; but I forgot how battered they were. I smooth out the tattered wings; rubbing out the sores with my healing hands. Then do I take control, and will my delicate wings to fly. They pull me up slowly. Their slight flutter soothes me; moving above the unstable ground that had once chained me and pronounced me flightless with its harsh power called Gravity. Their main victims lay beneath me; at the very tip of my being. My bare, cut and bruised feet now dangle, useless for my wings do all the work they once did. The air upon this new level of life is more pure than I have known it to be. It is not tainted by unrelenting, cruel thoughts. Up in the great sky, all is free.
I twirl in the wind sending laughter into the silent night air. But soon, my fun must be forgotten. For when the sun rises over the horizon and his light is the only thing that can put a halt to my flight. It will awake the world that walks upon the ground and fade my glorious silver extensions. So I lower myself and wince at the pain that had erupted from my feet. I capture all of the joyful night in one scoop of a fading wing and store it within my new dwelling the wings create. It is dark for only an instant before the Sun’s light prevails. My beautiful wings that gifted me of glorious flight are vanquished and I shall join my brethren. I smile flakily at them; knowing my only true happiness will come when the moon arises and them, asleep.
Last edited by TPak on Sat Dec 04, 2010 6:16 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Hey T :)
I've only got some nitpicks,

Their slight flutter of them soothes me;

There's no need of using 'of them' in there since you already used 'their'

My bare, cut and bruised feet now dangle, useless for my wings do all the work they once did.

Here again, no need to say 'my feet' again, 'they' will do the job.

I capture all of the joyful night in one scoop of a wing fading wing and store it within my new dwelling the wings create.

There's one 'wing' too much.

That is all :)
Wow I loved this. Such beautiful, imagery! You write beautifully. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE! :)

Keep writing!

-Truth-
.- <3 -.




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Thank you for the nitpicks! I have trouble editing but I knew something was off. Thank you for pointing out my errors and helping me towards a better future in writing! :)
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Hello there,

I only have a few of things to say, I enjoyed reading your descriptive piece.

Firstly,
"The Sun’s sister’s light falls down upon me."
is a wonderful sentiment and I understand what you're trying to convey. Although I think you'll find that "The Sun's sister's" is a bit of a mouthful. Having two possessive nouns after each other can be tricky. I find that if in doubt with a story, read it aloud and see how it sounds (but make sure you don't add extra commas, I find that's always a temptation). Secondly, 'Sun' in the sentence doesn't need a capital.

Also, just to be picky;
"...light falls down upon me."
'upon' in this situation is a little awkward. It's slightly odd for someone to say 'falling down upon'. I would suggest changing it to either 'falling upon' or 'falling down on'.

Thirdly,
"...are tossed all around in their movement. "
I'm not quite sure what movement you're talking about, do you mean the spreading of the wings?

"I suck in another ragged breath and will my wings to pick me up; but I forgot how battered they were."
Be careful with your tenses here, I'm not sure 'forgot' and 'were' fit perfectly.

"...that gifted me of glorious flight"
It would probably make more sense to say "...that gifted me *with* glorious flight".

Other than those (admittedly picky) points, your writing is very good. It's fluent and it has 'atmosphere'. Keep it up!

~OphelieLiv



Perfect kindness acts without thinking of kindness.
— Lao Tse