Weston mill vampires 1872

Charlii101 wrote:(the year is 1872)

The sun beamed down on my sweating back and my ginger either say ginger colored hair or red hairhair fell down below my shoulders, it’s very rare that I get a chance to let my hair down out of its cap that held it up all day. The beach is my haven where no one goes abandoned and forgotten, but I, Elsie Williams commafound it all by it’s self, I usually came down here to write in my diary with out my four brothers poking their noses into my bedroom door. But I’ve filled it all up and the pages are heavy with glue, as Michaelcomma my youngest brotherc omma wanted to stick them together, but they are mostly filled up with me talking about Daniel Thompson, it seems to be a on and off liking for me one day he’s nice the next he decides to be mean.
I could hear my dad’s calls from down in the beach and the waves drowned him out but I knew if I stayed down here for too long he would send out a search party, I picked up my cap and ran up away from the sea then realising that Dad would kill me if he saw me with out my cap on, I shoved my hair on the top of my head and tied the bow up under my chin and carried on running holding onto the top of my head. I fell as something grabbed my foot and I couldn’t scream as I fell, my face hit the sandy ground, and my hair tumbled out, my hands tried to push my self up but I was being dragged towards the sea, my cap fell off and my dress was filling with sand, try as I might I could not scream, the thing was still round my feet pulling my towards the sea, my feet slowly beginning to feel wet, then my legs and slowly my whole body was being dragged down under the sea, I still couldn’t scream and I couldn’t take a breath in the water, I felt the thing let go of my feet and it slowly scrambled up and clung to my body, it teeth clenched around my neck and he bit deeper and deeper I could finally scream but I swallowed water and my eyes were slowly closingperiod I felt my blood being wrenched out of my body the salt in the sea stung the wound badly and yet the thing would not let go, I let out on final scream and everything went black and water filled my ears and yet the thing wouldn’t let go.
Everything was still black, but I felt my body on wet grass and wrenching pain was travelling through my body, my veins and my wound on my neck was stinging like hell, period not commaI couldn’t open my eyes and fear travelled around my body along with the pain. My heart felt under pressure and it’s was beating, fighting to stay alive and yet no matter how many times the acid past through my heart it seemed to weaken but still beat, I needed to grab on to something real my hands felt the grass and as the pain increasedperiod or comma I grabbed onto the grass pulling it out and yet I couldn’t scream out my pain. I heard foot steps and I tried to lay still, hoping they would just pass by but instead I was lifted up off my feet, even though the pain rushed by filling my brain I lay still, until I caught a sent of something I couldn’t make out but my tongue was trying to resist the little will power my brain now held. I so badly wanted to go and grab it crave it and have it, but I lay limp. The person carried on walking forever and it was hard not to jump off and run after the smell I craved the pain died and so did my heart but I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t see a light and why I still felt everything, the atmosphere changed and I felt I was in a warm place “Edison...what....have you....done!!!one ! not 3” I heard a women scream at the top of her voice period
“I didn’t bloody do anything alright I found her!” the voice came from above me obviously from the person that found me. I felt my body lay upon a soft commaspringy mattress and a thin cover fall over me “it’s lucky she alive, I don’t get why he left her!”
“You shouldn’t of brought her here...you should of left hercomma” the women shrieked back.
“I couldn’t leave hercomma” my eyes slowly peeled back showing a youngcomma blonde guy staring at me his emerald eyes shining at me he looked so perfect “where....huh?” my voice sounded so different “wcapital Where am I?” I slowly sat up holding my head the women huffed and stalked out of the room I looked around and then looked down at my self my dress was torn and my skin seemed so white just like this young boy in front of me, he smiled “ycapital Your at Weston Mill, we’re going to have to get you out of those clothesc omma” I sniffed fiercely, the sent I smelled not so long ago flooded my nostrils “ycapital You’ll get used to it” he said smiling wider, I lay back down, “ccapital Can’t I go home?” I asked sweeping my hair from my eyes, it seemed shiny and pure ginger “ncapital No it’s too dangerous, you may attack your familycomma” he said shaking his head sorrowfully period
let me say that the above paragraph shoould be multiple paragraphs. Everytime a new person starts talking its a new paragraph with a few exeptions I just didnt know where to break it up. You may though.
“what capital Wdo you mean attack my family?” I asked sitting high up the mattressperiod
“scapital She wouldn’t even understand Edison!” the women called walking back into the roomperiod
“Maria shut up give the girl a chance!” anddelete and Edison turned back towards me. Maria rolled her eyes and placed a tray on the table there were one glass of water. new paragraph“Look do you know what happened at the beach?” new parapraphEdison asked looking seriouscomma or period I shook my head “I remember but I don’t know what happened...” I said and then took a glance towards Maria who walked out againperiod and new paragraph “ycapital You may not believe me but I can prove itcomma” Edison started coma“ycapital You’re a vampire just like me and Mariacomma” tcapital There was a long silence and I starred at Edison and then at my self “lcapial Look you may not believe in vampires and stuff but...”
“I do!” I said nodding, “I always knew super stitions were true my dad told me to just grow up!” Edison smiled at meperiod new paragraph ‘" not 'pffft’ " not 'Maria said period
“lcapital Let me guess did they have pointy teeth and sleep in coffins!” Maria saidcomma smiling to her own joke period
“wcapial What’s your name?” Edison askedcomma I struggled to remember for a bit period
“Elise Tabitha Williams” I said, Maria sat down on a near by chair, her eyes widened period
“scapital She’s the lordships daughter!” Maria said her eyes still wide Edison jumped up and grabbed the dress from Maria’s arms and threw it towards meperiod new paragraph “right capital Rno one would recognise her would they?” Edison asked comatilting his head to one sideperiod
“I wouldn’t think socomma” Maria saidcomma “I told you to leave her!” Maria added on,
“scapital She’s safe with us he wouldn’t try and get her when she’s with us would she!” Edison said to Maria period
“capital Ssorry but who’s he?” I askedcomma quickly placing the dress over my torn one they both looked at me and my neck began to prickle with dear the only bit of me that still breathed out and beat blood it seemed to know him yet my brain didn’t “a vampire...the one that tried to kill you but seemed to leave you on a hill side, near us” Maria said commajust above a whisper “hcapital He knew you would find her!” Maria said to Edison and I had no idea what was going on!

To be continued..........

Charlii101 wrote:

(the year is 1872)

The sun beamed down on my sweating back and my ginger hair fell down below my shoulders, A semicolon should be put here or just make an entirely new sentence. it’s very rare that I get a chance to let my hair down out of its cap that held it up all day. Try not to use the word "that" unnecessarily. The beach is my haven where no one goes abandoned and forgotten, but I, Elsie Williams found it all by it’s self, I usually came down here to write in my diary with out my four brothers poking their noses into my bedroom door. Ok good sentence but you need to separate it into multiple ones. It gets a little too wordy and that's not good because your reader can lose interest. But I’ve filled it all up and the pages are heavy with glue, as Michael my youngest brother "my youngest brother" should be in between commas because it is an appositive phrase that tells more about Michael. wanted to stick them together, but they are mostly filled up with me talking about Daniel Thompson, it seems to be a on and off liking for me one day he’s nice the next he decides to be mean. Okay, this is just like before good detail, but it needs to be separated.

I could hear my dad’s calls from down in the beach and the waves drowned him out but I knew if I stayed down here for too long he would send out a search party, Again, new sentence or semi colon. I picked up my cap and ran up away from the sea then realising that Dad would kill me if he saw me with out my cap on, I shoved my hair Hair? I think you might have meant cap? on the top of my head and tied the bow up under my chin and carried on running Comma holding onto the top of my head. I fell as something grabbed my foot and I couldn’t scream as I fell, Don't repeat your verbs. We already know you fell. Try to spice it up some by using synonyms for fell. Also there should be a period. my face hit the sandy ground, and my hair tumbled out, my hands tried to push my self up but I was being dragged towards the sea, my cap fell off and my dress was filling with sand, try as I might I could not scream, the thing was still round my feet pulling my towards the sea, my feet slowly beginning to feel wet, then my legs and slowly my whole body was being dragged down under the sea, I still couldn’t scream and I couldn’t take a breath in the water, I felt the thing let go of my feet and it slowly scrambled up and clung to my body, it teeth clenched around my neck and he bit deeper and deeper I could finally scream but I swallowed water and my eyes were slowly closing I felt my blood being wrenched out of my body the salt in the sea stung the wound badly and yet the thing would not let go, I let out on final scream and everything went black and water filled my ears and yet the thing wouldn’t let go. Okay, this is a really long sentence. As I've said before separate it.

Everything was still black, but I felt my body on wet grass and wrenching pain was travelling through my body, my veins and my wound on my neck was stinging like hell, I couldn’t open my eyes and fear travelled around my body along with the pain. Good detail, but again separate. My heart felt under pressure and it’s was beating, fighting to stay alive and yet no matter how many times the acid past through my heart it seemed to weaken but still beat, period I needed to grab on to something real period or semicolon my hands felt the grass and as the pain increased I grabbed onto the grass pulling it out and yet I couldn’t scream out Eliminate the first out so you aren't repetitive. my pain. I heard foot steps and I tried to lay still, hoping they would just pass by but instead I was lifted up off my feet, period even though the pain rushed by filling my brain I lay still, until I caught a sent of something I couldn’t make out but my tongue was trying to resist the little will power my brain now held.I don't quite understand this sentence. Maybe try to elaborate more. I so badly wanted to go and grab it comma crave it and have it, but I lay limp. The person carried on walking forever and it was hard not to jump off and run after the smell I craved period the pain died and so did my heart but I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t see a light and why I still felt everything, period instead of comma the atmosphere changed and I felt I was in a warm place “Edison...what....have you....done!!!” I heard a women scream at the top of her voice this quote should start a new paragraph because somebody new is talking.

“I didn’t bloody do anything alright I found her!” the voice came from above me period obviously from the person that found me. I felt my body lay upon a soft springy mattress and a thin cover fall over me “it’s The "i" in its should be capitalized. lucky she alive, I don’t get why he left her!”

“You shouldn’t of this needs to be shouldn't have instead of shouldn't of. brought her here...you should of left her” the women shrieked back.

“I couldn’t leave her” my eyes slowly peeled back showing a young blonde guy staring at me his emerald eyes shining at me he looked so perfect Start a new paragraph because of new speaker.“where....huh?” my voice sounded so different “where am I?” I slowly sat up holding my head period the women huffed and stalked out of the room period I looked around and then looked down at my self period my dress was torn and my skin seemed so white just like this young boy in front of me, period he smiled “your at Weston Mill, we’re going to have to get you out of those clothes” new paragraph and period I sniffed fiercely, either period or semi colon the sent I smelled not so long ago flooded my nostrils “you’ll get used to it” he said smiling wider, I lay back down, “can’t I go home?” new paragraph I asked sweeping my hair from my eyes, period or semi colon it seemed shiny and pure ginger “no it’s too dangerous, you may attack your family” he said shaking his head sorrowfully new paragraph

“what do you mean attack my family?” I asked sitting high up the mattress period

“she wouldn’t even understand Edison!” the women called walking back into the room period

“Maria shut up give the girl a chance!” and Edison turned back towards me. Maria rolled her eyes and placed a tray on the table there were one glass of water. “Look do you know what happened at the beach?” Edison asked looking serious period I shook my head “I remember but I don’t know what happened...” new paragraph I said and then took a glance towards Maria who walked out again “you may not believe me but I can prove it” new paragraph Edison started “you’re a vampire just like me and Maria” there was a long silence and I starred I think you meant stared. at Edison and then at my self “look you may not believe in vampires and stuff but...”

“I do!” I said nodding, “I always knew super stitions were true period or semi colon my dad told me to just grow up!” Edison smiled at me ‘pffft’ Maria said new paragraph

“let me guess did they have pointy teeth and sleep in coffins!I think instead of an exclamation point this should be a question mark.” Maria said smiling to her own joke

“what’s your name?” Edison asked I struggled to remember for a bit

“Elise Tabitha Williams” I said, Maria sat down on a near by chair, her eyes widened

“she’s the lordships daughter!” Maria said her eyes still wide Edison jumped up and grabbed the dress from Maria’s arms and threw it towards me “right no one would recognise her would they?” new paragraph Edison asked tilting his head to one side

“I wouldn’t think so” Maria said “I told you to leave her!” Maria added on,

“she’s safe with us period he wouldn’t try and get her when she’s with us would she!I think you meant he.” Edison said to Maria

“sorry but who’s he?” I asked quickly placing the dress over my torn one periodthey both looked at me and my neck began to prickle with dear I think you meant fear and it needs a period. the only bit of me that still breathed out and beat blood it Eliminate "it". That makes more sense. seemed to know him yet my brain didn’t “a vampire...the one that tried to kill you but seemed to leave you on a hill side, near us”new paragraph Maria said just above a whisper “he knew you would find her!” Maria said to Edison and I had no idea what was going on!

To be continued..........