Learning Love-Chapter 4

Nelly Miller was seventy five and very, very ill when she sold the property and moved into a hospice center closer to her daughter in Vermont, a year prior to Remy’s arrival. When things fell apart with Cooper, Addison Miller was the real estate agent from Heaven. Addison, a 26 year old UNC graduate from Southport, North Carolina, was Nelly Miller’s first and only granddaughter.

One year ago Remy Bristow walked into Free Reign Travel Agency in San Francisco looking for change-big change, and Addison delivered. They went over a few properties outside of San Francisco, San Diego, and all over California, but none of them Remy really liked. So they contacted other agencies on the eastern seaboard because Remy expressed an interest in the seasons, and more importantly the snow. With money being no object, Addison gave Remy the cream of the crop-million dollar mansions in South Carolina with ocean views, penthouses in Manhattan, beautiful acreage in Georgia, but nothing felt right.

Until one day, after Addison and Remy had spent almost three straight weeks together looking at property after property, Remy walked into Free Reign Travel Agency in the middle of Addison Miller’s saddest phone conversation ever. It was the General Hospital about twenty minutes away from Pine Lake, Maine and the news was very disheartening.

“My grandmother, she said as she choked back sobs, “She is very sick, and they’re putting her in a hospice about fifteen minutes from my aunt’s house in Vermont, but the thing is she lives alone in Maine and there is no one to watch the house, and I’m afraid someone will rob it, because you know she doesn’t have any security system or anything.” She dabbed her red cheeks with a tissue and looked away embarrassed.

“I’m so sorry about your grandmother Addison; honestly, if there was anything I could do just let me know. You have helped me so much; I mean at least I know where I don’t want to live.” Remy smiled, and Addison smiled weakly back as Remy got up to leave, hoping the next time she came into this building she would leave with a new home.
She had her hand around the doorknob when she heard Addison’s voice call her name, and she turned around confused.

“How about Maine?” Addison smiled. Remy sat down, waiting at last for what seemed like her last proposal.

Hi, I'm Lindsey! I'll be quoting the whole story if you don't mind. (:

Nelly Miller was seventy five and very, very ill when she sold the property and moved into a hospice center closer to her daughter in Vermont, a year prior to Remy’s arrival. When things fell apart with Cooper, Addison Miller was the real estate agent from Heaven. Addison, a 26 year old UNC graduate from Southport, North Carolina, was Nelly Miller’s first and only granddaughter.

One year ago, Remy Bristow walked into Free Reign Travel Agency in San Francisco, looking for change-big changeThis doesn't make any sense., and Addison delivered. They went over a few properties outside of San Francisco, San Diego, and all over California, but none of them Remy really liked. So they contacted other agencies on the eastern seaboard because Remy expressed an interest in the seasons, and more importantly, the snow. With money being no object, Addison gave Remy the cream-of-the-crop, million dollar mansions in South Carolina. It had ocean views, penthouses in Manhattan, beautiful acreage in Georgia, but nothing felt right. I would break up these two sentences to make it sound better.

Until one day, after Addison and Remy had spent almost three straight weeks together looking at property after property, Remy walked into Free Reign Travel Agency in the middle of Addison Miller’s saddest phone conversation ever. It was the General Hospital about twenty minutes away from Pine Lake, Maine and the news was very disheartening.

“My grandmother," she said as she choked back sobs, “She is very sick, and they’re putting her in a hospice about fifteen minutes from my aunt’s house in Vermont. But the thing is she lives alone in Maine and there is no one to watch the house, and I’m afraid someone will rob it. because You know she doesn’t have any security system or anything.” She dabbed her red cheeks with a tissue and looked away, embarrassed.

“I’m so sorry about your grandmother, Addison. Honestly, if there was anything I could do just let me know. You have helped me so much; This sounds very strange after Addison has been crying. I know you're trying to lighten the mood, but it's not the appropriate time to do so. Maybe put it at the end of this paragraph saying something like, "'You have helped me so much. I mean at least I know where I don't want to live,' Remy said with a teasing smile, hoping to cheer up Addison." So that's not the best example, but something along the lines of that. I mean at least I know where I don’t want to live.” Remy smiled, and Addison smiled weakly back as Remy got up to leave, hoping the next time she came into this building she would leave with a new home.
She had her hand around the doorknob when she heard Addison’s voice call her name, and she turned around, confused.

“How about Maine?” Addison smiled. Remy sat down, waiting at last for what seemed like her last proposal.

Overall:
The chapter is very short and, to be honest, it's starting to bore me. For me, I feel like you are just telling me the plot and of all the places they've went. That's boring, and another reason as to why show don't tell is an important phrase when it comes to writing. Show us why the properties weren't right by giving us more in depth scenes of them looking at it. Anything along the lines of that. This brings me to my next point; description. I don't have a feel for anything or anyone in this chapter. It's very simple and plain which could add to it's lack of interest. Not only could you add more scenes to the chapter, but you can dress it up with pretty descriptions. Again, this ties in with the show and don't tell motto. Other than that, your grammar is perfectly fine, a few mistakes here and there but nothing too major. Just really work on describing the scenes and characters more. Keep me posted!

-Lindsey

Hello there.

I think Lindsey pretty much said everything here... This is really short, and to be honest I didn't read the other chapters. But I'll still give you tips for this chapter.

First off, show, don't tell, (I know I'm repeating, but it's pretty important). You tell us about her grand mother, but how about telling us from her point of view? Like writing about her illness and how she didn't want to move but it was the best thing to do? Honestly, the first paragraph doesn't do anything for the story, because you actually tell us that when Addison gets the news. To make it more interesting, I would write from Nelly's POV and then go on with Addison, like I said. Or if you don't want to do it first POV, then do it third POV, but get a little closer into her life and her thoughts.
Apart from that, it should be good. And I hope I helped. Keep writing!

-Other One