Chapter 1. No name yet

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Chapter 1

"Quinn! Oh my gosh, Quinn! Guess what! Liam asked me to the prom! I know it's three months away or whatever, but still!" Brooke exclaimed while setting her lunch tray down across from Quinn. "You have to get a date to the prom now, so we can double date!"
"Wow, that's great, but you're right, the prom is three months away. I will bring a date if I have one then, and if I don't then I won't go." Quinn said. "Simple as that. In the meantime, let's not talk about the fact that I don't have a boyfriend." As her best friend, Brooke knew that Quinn didn't particularly enjoy talking about her single status, yet she couldn't help but bring it up sometimes.
"Right, right. I'm sorry. I'm just so excited!" She was smiling now. Quinn was happy for her, she really was, but she couldn't help but envy her just a little bit. For her effortless beauty, and the fact that dating was so easy for her. Quinn looked up at her. With her long blond hair, big gray eyes behind a pair of sleek, black glasses and perfect skin, it was no wonder boys loved her so much. Then there was Quinn. People always told her that she was beautiful, but she didn't believe them. She had to work hard to achieve her look. Every morning before she left the house, she straitened her long, curly, black hair, put eyeliner and mascara to make her blue eyes stand out, and all that took about an hour. If people knew what she looked like without all of the makeup and hair product, they would probably agree that she was not the most attractive person.
"Earth to Quinn…hello? Are you still with me?" Startled, Quinn looked up. Brooke was waving her hands impatiently. "There you are. I sometimes wonder what you're thinking about when you zone out on me like that."
"Sorry, sorry. I'm just tired, I guess."
"Are you tired everyday? Because you do that all the time."
"Yes, I know, and I'm sorry. I'll go to bed earlier tonight…" Quinn trailed off when she noticed a dark haired boy walking to their table. Liam. She knew that when he was around, anything she said went unnoticed.
"Liam! I was just telling Quinn how we're going to prom together!" Brooke jumped up and in no time at all she was in his arms.
Liam started kissing her then. Quinn cleared her throat, hoping that they got the message. They didn't.
She quickly ate the last bit of her sandwich. "I'm going to the bathroom" Neither one of them gave a response. They were now sitting at the table leaning on each other. Did they even know what PDA meant? Some people didn't like seeing that kind of affection in public. No sense in explaining that to Brooke, though. She wasn't actually planning to go to the bathroom, but to her locker to get her books for her next period. She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't notice the boy leaning against her locker until she got close. He was gorgeous. Golden blond hair curling at the nape of his neck, and beautiful pale blue eyes. She had assumed that he was listening to music or perhaps texting on his phone, but he was simply standing there. Staring at what seemed to be nothing.
"Uh…e-excuse me…" Quinn stuttered. One of the reasons that she never dated a boy in her life was that she could not talk to them. Especially boys this beautiful. With those eyes…
He looked at her. "Yes?" He asked, raising one eyebrow.
"That's my…uh…that's my locker. I need to get my books" She said as confidently as she could which was still pretty quiet.
"Oh! I'm sorry." He moved aside. "Yeah…everyone who passes me asks what I'm doing here alone. I tell them that it's none of their business because it isn't" He smirked.
"I wasn't going to ask if that's what you're suggesting. I mean…if you wanted to tell me…" She grinned at him. She was actually talking to him! Smiling at him!
"Well, I'm new here if you didn't know. I have no friends. I know no one. Otherwise I'd be with people." He said matter-of-factly. "By the way, why are you getting your books now? Class doesn't start for another fifteen minutes" He glanced down at his watch. "Yup, fifteen minutes. So…why so early. Are you just one of those good kids that get to class really early to impress the teacher, or is there another reason. I told you why I was alone, you owe me"
He was grinning at her. He looked so gorgeous…how could she not tell him. "I was talking with my friend, and her boyfriend joined us. They were making out and cuddling…kind of awkward. I told them I was going to the bathroom, but they didn't care. Yuo know how it is…" She finished lamely.
"Actually, I don't, really. I've never really had any friends." Seeing her stunned expression, he continued. "I mean, there was a group I sometimes hung out with, but no real friends."
"Is that why you changed schools? To make new friends?"
"No, I moved. I used to live in Seattle. So far, I like it here in New York better."
"That's good. It would suck if you didn't like where you moved. I-"
"There you are! I've been looking everywhere. It does to take ten minutes to go to the bathroom!"
"Yeah…I stopped to get my books." She glanced at the new boy. "Um…Brooke this is…"
"Logan. Logan Mongomery." He finished for her.
"Logan," She loved the way it sounded. "This is Brooke, my friend."
"Nice to meet you" Brooke said politely, but Quinn could tell that she didn't care. "If you don't mind, I have to steal her away from you. I'm sure you can talk later. Come on." She started walking away.
"Okay, I'm coming. One second." Brooke sighed impatiently, but didn't protest. Quinn turned back to the boy-Logan. "So…I'll see you later?"
"Of course" He smiled.
"Okay." She smiled back. "I'm Quinn by the way."
"Quinn," he said. "Is a beautiful name."
"Thank you. I should go now, though. Brooke can get pretty impatient."
"I heard that!" She said, her polite tone completely gone now.
"Okay. See you later, Quinn" He turned around, and walked away.
Quinn turned to Brooke annoyed. She had just been talking normally to a cute guy, and the conversation was now over because of Brooke. He did say that they would talk later. Could he have meant it? "What's so important?"
"He's cute…" She mused. "Anyway, guess what!" She was really excited now. "Okay, okay. So Liam and I were talking, right. Then randomly he said that he loved me! Of course I said it back! He loves me, Quinn. I'm so happy!"
"Oh my gosh! I'm so happy for you!" She gave her best friend a big hug. One day, she knew they would be hugging because of her future boyfriend. She just knew.


Authors notes: I'm only thirteen, okay? I know I'm not that good. The reason I am posting this is to get tips on how to be a better writer. So...I accept your comments, tips, critiques, whatever. Just please don't be too harsh. Thank you :smt001




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coolperson321 wrote:Chapter 1You should always have a title! Whether it be stupid or asking for suggestions that makes people want to read your writing more I learned it the hard way ;)

"Quinn! Oh my gosh, Quinn! Guess what!? not ! Liam asked me to the prom! I know it's three months away or whatever, but still!" Brooke exclaimedcomma while setting her lunch tray down across from Quinn. "You have to get a date to the prom commanow, so we can double date!"
"Wow, that's great, but you're right, the prom is three months away. I will bring a date if I have one then, and if I don't then I won't go.comma" Quinn said. "Simple as that. In the meantime, let's not talk about the fact that I don't have a boyfriend." As her best friend, Brooke knew that Quinn didn't particularly enjoy talking about her single status, yet she couldn't help but bring it up sometimes.
"Right, right. I'm sorry. I'm just so excited!" She was smiling now. Quinn was happy for her, she really was, but she couldn't help but envy her just a little bit. For her effortless beauty, and the fact that dating was so easy for her. Quinn looked up at her. With her long commablond hair, big comma gray eyes behind a pair of sleek, black glasses and perfect skin, it was no wonder boys loved her so much. Then there was Quinn. People always told her that she was beautiful, but she didn't believe them. She had to work hard to achieve her look. Every morning before she left the house, she straitened straightenedher long, curly, black hair, put eyeliner and mascaracomma to make her blue eyes stand out, and all that took about an hour. If people knew what she looked like without all of the makeup and hair product, they would probably agree that she was not the most attractive person.
"Earth to Quinn…hello? Are you still with me?" Startled, Quinn looked up. Brooke was waving her hands impatiently. "There you are. I sometimes wonder what you're thinking about when you zone out on me like that."
"Sorry, sorry. I'm just tired, I guess."
"Are you tired everyday? Because you do that all the time."
"Yes, I know, and I'm sorry. I'll go to bed earlier tonight…" Quinn trailed off when she noticed a dark haired boy walking to their table. Liam. She knew that when he was around, anything she said went unnoticed.
"Liam! I was just telling Quinn how we're going to prom together!" Brooke jumped up and in no time at all she was in his arms.
Liam started kissing her then. Quinn cleared her throat, hoping that they got the message. They didn't.
She quickly ate the last bit of her sandwich. "I'm going to the bathroom" Neither one of them gave a response. They were now sitting at the table leaning on each other. Did they even know what PDA meant? Some people didn't like seeing that kind of affection in public. No sense in explaining that to Brooke, though. She wasn't actually planning to go to the bathroom, but to her locker to get her books for her next period. She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't notice the boy leaning against her locker until she got close. He was gorgeous. Goldencomma blond hair curling at the nape of his neck, and beautiful pale blue eyes. She had assumed that he was listening to music or perhaps texting on his phone, but he was simply standing there. Staring at what seemed to be nothing.
"Uh…e-excuse me…" Quinn stuttered. One of the reasons that she never dated a boy in her life was that she could not talk to them. Especially boys this beautiful. With those eyes…
He looked at her. "Yes?" He asked, raising one eyebrow.
"That's my…uh…that's my locker. I need to get my books" She said as confidently as she could which was still pretty quiet.
"Oh! I'm sorry." He moved aside. "Yeah…everyone who passes me asks what I'm doing here alone. I tell them that it's none of their business commabecause it isn't" He smirked.
"I wasn't going to ask if that's what you're suggesting. I mean…if you wanted to tell me…" She grinned at him. She was actually talking to him! Smiling at him!
"Well, I'm new here if you didn't know. I have no friends. I know no one. Otherwise I'd be with people." He said matter-of-factly. "By the way, why are you getting your books now? Class doesn't start for another fifteen minutes" He glanced down at his watch. "Yup, fifteen minutes. So…why so early. Are you just one of those good kids that get to class really early to impress the teacher, or is there another reason. I told you why I was alone, you owe me"
He was grinning at her. He looked so gorgeous…how could she not tell him. "I was talking with my friend, and her boyfriend joined us. They were making out and cuddling…kind of awkward. I told them I was going to the bathroom, but they didn't care. Yuoyou know how it is…" She finished lamely.
"Actually, I don't, really. I've never really had any friends." Seeing her stunned expression, he continued. "I mean, there was a group I sometimes hung out with, but no real friends."
"Is that why you changed schools? To make new friends?"
"No, I moved. I used to live in Seattle. So far, I like it here in New York better."
"That's good. It would suck if you didn't like where you moved. I-"
"There you are! I've been looking everywhere. It does to take ten minutes to go to the bathroom!"
"Yeah…I stopped to get my books." She glanced at the new boy. "Um…Brooke this is…"
"Logan. Logan Mongomery." He finished for her.
"Logan," She loved the way it sounded. "This is Brooke, my friend."
"Nice to meet you" Brooke said politely, but Quinn could tell that she didn't care. "If you don't mind, I have to steal her away from you. I'm sure you can talk later. Come on." She started walking away.
"Okay, I'm coming. One second." Brooke sighed impatiently, but didn't protest. Quinn turned back to the boy-Logan. "So…I'll see you later?"
"Of course" He smiled.
"Okay." She smiled back. "I'm Quinn by the way."
"Quinn," he said. "Is a beautiful name."
"Thank you. I should go now, though. Brooke can get pretty impatient."
"I heard that!" She said, her polite tone completely gone now.
"Okay. See you later, Quinn" He turned around, and walked away.
Quinn turned to Brooke annoyed. She had just been talking normally to a cute guy, and the conversation was now over because of Brooke. He did say that they would talk later. Could he have meant it? "What's so important?"
"He's cute…" She mused. "Anyway, guess what!" She was really excited now. "Okay, okay. So Liam and I were talking, right. Then randomly he said that he loved me! Of course I said it back! He loves me, Quinn. I'm so happy!"
"Oh my gosh! I'm so happy for you!" She gave her best friend a big hug. One day, she knew they would be hugging because of hermaybe italic her future boyfriend. She just knewit.


Authors notes: I'm only thirteen, okay? I know I'm not that good. The reason I am posting this is to get tips on how to be a better writer. So...I accept your comments, tips, critiques, whatever. Just please don't be too harsh. Thank you :smt001

Overall....I'm 13 too so I know what you mean how people can be harsh and it hurts once a guy told me I should take a break from writing so I could imporve on it...it hurt. I'm not gonna lie. But anywhoooo GREAT story. Although I think it was a little called for that she'd meet a guy that minute but oh well. And I think her best friend obsessed over Liam. Who says I love you the first day you date? or have they been dating longer? Please specify it makes it easier for me, the reader. :) would love it if you could review mine..Jenn
when you grow up you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and isnt wearing a black cape and easy to spot Lots of Love Jenn




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Hello there. :)

Space your work. Please. Because right now there's way too much, and it's all bunch up together... It doesn't look attractive to read, and I'm ready to swear that some people here will come here with an intention on reviewing and see all these words and turn around.
"Quinn! Oh my gosh, Quinn! Guess what! Liam asked me to the prom! I know it's three months away or whatever, but still!" Brooke exclaimed while setting her lunch tray down across from Quinn.

"You have to get a date to the prom now, so we can double date!"

"Wow, that's great, but you're right, the prom is three months away. I will bring a date if I have one then, and if I don't then I won't go." Quinn said. "Simple as that. In the meantime, let's not talk about the fact that I don't have a boyfriend." As her best friend, Brooke knew that Quinn didn't particularly enjoy talking about her single status, yet she couldn't help but bring it up sometimes.

"Right, right. I'm sorry. I'm just so excited!" She was smiling now. Quinn was happy for her, she really was, but she couldn't help but envy her just a little bit. For her effortless beauty, and the fact that dating was so easy for her. Quinn looked up at her. With her long blond hair, big gray eyes behind a pair of sleek, black glasses and perfect skin, it was no wonder boys loved her so much. Then there was Quinn. People always told her that she was beautiful, but she didn't believe them. She had to work hard to achieve her look. Every morning before she left the house, she straitened her long, curly, black hair, put eyeliner and mascara to make her blue eyes stand out, and all that took about an hour. If people knew what she looked like without all of the makeup and hair product, they would probably agree that she was not the most attractive person.

"Earth to Quinn…hello? Are you still with me?" Startled, Quinn looked up. Brooke was waving her hands impatiently.

"There you are. I sometimes wonder what you're thinking about when you zone out on me like that."

"Sorry, sorry. I'm just tired, I guess."

"Are you tired everyday? Because you do that all the time."

See how this is so much easier to read?
She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't notice the boy leaning against her locker until she gotwas too close.

"Well, I'm new here if you didn't notice. I have no friends.


The overall story is okay. I like how it is going so far, because a lot of socially awkward girls (such as me) can relate to this. Something bothered me with the characters though... The way Brooke gets all excited because Liam asked her to prom is just off. How old are your characters? I guess it all depends on that, but if they are older, and Liam is already her boyfriend, I would make Brooke mention it and maybe get all excited on the dress she's going to wear and if Liam is going to rent a limousine... Something following these lines, but not for the "ask out" part. Anyways, maybe that's just me. It's true that I hate people who get excited and can't keep their mouth shut about a guy. ;)

Keep writing! I'm looking forward to reading more of this, and I hope I helped.

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466




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Hi, CoolPerson321. First off, I like how your story moves along at a steady pace. And there is definitely a life to your writing. There is one piece of advice I'd like to give you regarding your dialogue: When you're writing a conversation, ask yourself, Is this something I would say? Or, is this something someone I know would say? Always works for me.

Two nitpicks.

As her best friend, Brooke knew that Quinn didn't particularly enjoy talking about her single status, yet she couldn't help but bring it up sometimes.

"Right, right. I'm sorry. I'm just so excited!" She was smiling now. Quinn was happy for her, she really was, but she couldn't help but envy her just a little bit.


The only problem I have with this part is that - even though you're telling the story in third person - the point of view seems to change. From the beginning it seems like we're going to see things from Brooke's perspective, but here it's drastically switches to Quinn. Because of the third person narrative, this is normally okay. But I would suggest making the transition smoother.

"Logan. Logan Mongomery." He finished for her.
"Logan," She loved the way it sounded. "This is Brooke, my friend."
"Nice to meet you" Brooke said politely, but Quinn could tell that she didn't care.


Just some punctuation errors here. Here's how it should read:

"Logan. Logan Mongomery," he finished for her.
"Logan." She loved the way it sounded. "This is Brooke, my friend."
"Nice to meet you," Brooke said politely, but Quinn could tell that she didn't care.


Keep writing!



It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats—the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hill —The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it—and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another.
— JRR Tolkien