Eventually

You smile,
you laugh
as I sit,
as I stare.

I cry
but you don't see
you know my name
but you don't know me.
I'm not like the posers
you can't see my scars.
They're hidden away,
deep inside my heart.

I don't wear black
though colors make me sick
you laugh about your "bff's"
I don't give a frick.
I play along
so you don't stare.
I hide the truth
cause I don't want you to care.

I want peace
I want to be free,
I want to be
who I want to be.
But I sit,
day after day.
Sitting here
wishing time away.

It'll be better,
eventually.
It'll be better
cause it has to be.
And if it's not
then I'll stay right here
and I'll laugh,
and I'll stare.
Yet I'll be dying
and you won't care.
Till' one day
when I finally see
that I need to give up
on eventually.

That's when I'll jump,
that's when you'll know.
That's when the real me
to you shall be shown.

Hey there wewin.

So, I’ll be simple about this review. You have a really nice idea going here, about being original and finding yourself and your nitch. The thing is, right now, all you have here is a very barebones poem. This has the potential to be a lot better but you need to take the time to really thoroughly delve into the idea. Feel the way the narrator would fee. Put yourself in their shoes and write it the way it would feel for you.

Another recommendation I have is to explore your vocabulary. Right now, the language falls very flat (I don’t mean to sound mean when I say that) but there’s nothing eye catching or vibrant in this. Use words that will make it shine.

One line I did want to point out an improvement too:

I hide the truth
cause I don't want you to care.

This is a beat too long and it makes it seem uncomfortable when you read the last line out loud. Consider putting a semi-colon after “truth” and getting rid of “cause.”


Sorry if I was a bit blunt here, but there are a lot of poems that have the same subject matter. The real test to you as a writer is how well you can make your poem stand out against the others.

If you have any questions or if you want to virtually slap me, feel free.

~lilymoore

I really liked this. I like how you portrayed that your not like most girls and you do care but at the same time you don't.
I really did like the part were it said i don't give a frick, I thought that was cute. You have a very good rhyming pattern. overall I enjoyed it.

Hi wewinwelose,

Yeah, no. I don't know if you are deliberately channeling Disney or if you just don't know what a cliche is, but phrases like this:

wewinwelose wrote:I want to be
who I want to be.

would make any reasonable person cringe. Remove it, and others like it. Saying things like "be who I wanna be" is intellectual laziness, a yearning to etch out some pseudo-philosophical preteen rambling without having to explore the concept itself. It's fine if the above quote is your theme, but at least justify it.

I'm not like the posers

Who are the posers?

[/quote]It'll be better,
eventually.
It'll be better
cause it has to be.
[/quote]

Not inspiring, or even logical for that matter. Why does it have to be better? Saying that it has to be better because it has to be better is just useless and a waste of time for both you and the reader. In fact, that entire quoted section makes no sense and doesn't advance... anything.

that I need to give up
on eventually.

Give up on what?

In general, this entire poem needs to be covered over and replanted. Little scribblings like this one are fine for a diary entry, but considering that you posted this on a public forum... the piece doesn't meet even the basic standard of decent poetry. Explain your position, use imagery by comparing the physical world with the abstract, and above all, don't use jarring cliches.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

I'm sorry you don't like my poem, but telling me to scrap it is quite a bit too harsh. I don't think you fully understood the point of the poem. Yea, some of the thought aren't fully put together and there's a reason for that. This person is desperate, she's lost, misunderstood and powerless. If you were as desperate as her would you be able to form a coherent thought? No, I think not. She's dying on the inside, giving up on it eventually being better, which is what I mean by giving up on eventually. Never tell someone to scrap their work, never EVER tell them it's shit. I've read a lot of poetry and you know what? Not one single poem has ever been bad. Someone somewhere will like it. Your post was not constructive criticism, it was destructive, and it's people like you that made me stop writing for a long period of time a few years back. If you don't like a poem, state it as an opinion not a fact, or you might end up completely taking away a persons desire to express themselves through verse, and as a critic that should be the last thing you want. If it's not, then you aren't a very good critic.