The Tales of Alexandria Hamilton Chapter Three

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"'Thanks for seating me next to Alexandria' what the hell was that?" I asked. I had turned my back on Charlie. "You didn't actually have to talk at all."

"Hey, I'm a truthful man, Alexandria. You are very interesting to talk to." He smiled a dazzling smile.

"Ha." I said. Charlie had just sat down when the attendant came out and started explaining. I've always hated plane flights. I have a fear of noticing something wrong and not being able to save all the people in time. I closed my eyes and took deep breathes. She was done explaining and the plane was in motion. God, I hated flying.

"Uh, Alexandria, what are you doing?" a voice said. I looked over to Charlie.


"Eating briskets with the queen. What the hell do you think I'm doing?" I know I'm being rude, but right now I didn't give a shit.


"I think that you're scared of flying." Charlie replied. I turned my head to look at him.


"Damn right. Just leave me alone." I said. I laid my head back and drew deep breaths. Stephan was quietly laughing. "Shut it, Morgan."


We were in the air in no time. "Why are you so scared of flying?" asked Stephan.


I was getting angry. I feel like I'm getting interrogated by the police. So to shut them up I replied, "I have do not have to explain myself to you, so do me the favour and stop asking. Okay?" I looked at them. They both looked astonished that I wasn't as nice as they thought I was. I really hoped that shut them up . . . for good.
Soon the preppy flight attendant announced that we could take out our electronics. I took out my messenger bag, which was stowed underneath my seat, and took out my laptop. I opened it up and turned it on. It made a sound to tell me it was on and I logged into my account. My background was of a Greek ruins. It was an old temple that was just discovered in the mountains. I always loved Greece, but I have never been there. I clicked on the internet symbol.
I looked at my email and found that Johnson had emailed me about a case he was investigating while I was away. It read:



Alexandria,

I'm working on a case involving a woman who was murdered. Her body was found in the woods by the bluffs. Kelley said that she was dead for several hours before we were called in. The caller was a young boy, maybe fourteen. The boy said he was out for his morning jog when he came across the girl. Got a statement. The girl was nineteen. No official identification. Can’t get in contact with family. I attached some pictures from the crime scene. Call me when you've landed, so I don't have to worry about you for three months.

Johnson



"Aw, how sweet." I mumbled. Johnson was sweet for caring even though it's not nessacery.

"What's sweet?" asked Stephan.

"Not what, but whom." I replied.

"Ohh, your boyfriend partner. Isn't he way older than you?" asked Stephan.

"What are you? My father?" I asked. I had to laugh at him.

"I like to think of myself as the over-protective-wanna-be-more-than-friends friend. Do you have a picture of this partner?"

I pulled up the picture of us at the Halloween party last year. I went as a Queen of hearts maid. I wore my black converses with thigh high socks. They had the card symbols and the colours were red, black, and white. I had a plain white V-neck shirt with black suspenders clipped to my black skirt. My crazy red hair was even crazier looking in two ponytails with black and blonde streaks in it. Johnson was dressed as the Mad Hatter. He had a purple blazer on with suede green corduroy jeans. It was priceless with his tall purple hat with different clothes tied to it.

"Omigod. Is this really you? Is this really him? He’s . . . okay. You look . . . wow. You look sexy." He took my laptop and turned it his way so he could get a better look.

"Give it back. Besides it wasn't that sexy. It was a costume party." I said. When I reached for the laptop, he moved it away and passed it over my head (curse my shortness) to Charlie.

"Charlie," Stephan asked, "gives me some back up here. Doesn’t Alexandria look smoking in this picture?" He encouraged him to look.

"Charlie, you say a word I'll kill you." I stared him down. He looked as if he could run. Too bad he can't.

He held up his hands, and said "I'm sorry, Alex, but the boy is right. Is the guy next to your partner in crime?" When Stephan nodded, he continued, "I wonder, can you make a copy of that, but without the guy?" asked Charlie. He was smiling.

"Oh, I want one too!" said Stephan. He set the laptop back on the foldout lap desk. They were both laughing now. Whether it was the picture or some idiotic boy thing, I didn't care. They were drawing attention to us and I did not like attention. I elbowed them both in the ribs. They stopped their idiotic laughing and winced.

I closed my laptop, and promised myself that I would look at the case later. I closed my eyes and thought about sleeping, until I did fall asleep.
"The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." -Lucille Ball




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Alright, so, you have an odd way of writing.
What you need to do is think about your characters.
Places like

I elbowed them both in the ribs. They stopped their idiotic laughing and winced.


here, wouldn't they protest in pain, especially if they are boys.
Also, I think your MC has a bit of a potty mouth, even if she is afraid of flying. Show that fear in somewhere else, like a nervous habit. Ease up on the swearing.

Basically, what Im trying to say is work on your character believability.

Also, as a final nitpick, put the letter she gets into italiacs. Makes it easeir for the reader.

Write On
~WickedWonder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*




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YYYEEEESSSSSS!!!!!!!! ANOTHER CHAPTER!!! I LOVE THIS FREAKING NOVEL!!!!! PLEASE KEEP WRITING!!!!:D
Have a great day




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Hey You :)

"'Thanks for seating me next to Alexandria' what the hell was that?" I asked. I had turned my back on Charlie, comma "You didn't actually have to talk at all."

"Hey, I'm a truthful man, Alexandria. You are very interesting to talk to, comma" He smiled a dazzling smile.

"Ha, comma" I said. Charlie had just sat down when the attendant came out and started explaining. I've always hated plane flights. I have a fear of noticing something wrong and not being able to save all the people in time. I closed my eyes and took deep breathes. She was done explaining and the plane was in motion. God, I hated flying.

First thing I have to say is, you have to put a comma before your second quotation marks so it doesn't break your text where it shouldn't be cut. An example overheard, I won't do it everywhere but you should change that.

I had always hated plane flights; I had a fear of noticing something wrong and not being able to save all the people in time. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths.

Alright, here, you need to remember to keep the whole text in past tense.. you slipped up a tiny bit here.

I knew I was being rude, but right now I didn't give a shit.

Same here...

I felt like I was getting interrogated by the police.

And here...

So to shut them up, comma I replied, "I have do not have to explain myself to you, so do me a favor and stop asking.

Here, just some corrections.

Got a statement, comma the girl was nineteen with no official identification.

Those three sentences could be put into only one.

Johnson was sweet for caring even though it's not necessary.

'Necessary' like that, and there's no need for the 'sweet' to be repeated again.

"I like to think of myself as the over-protective-wanna-be-more-than-friends friend. Do you have a picture of this partner?

Would he really say that? It's kind of sweet if you ask me but a bit unrealistic.

"Charlie, you say a word and I'll kill you." I stared him down. He looked as if he could run. Too bad he couldn't.


I have to disagree with Wicked here, everyone has his/her own style of writing. There's no right or wrong way just, your way :) Overall, it's getting along pretty great, don't you think? Keep it up!

-Truth-
.- <3 -.



worlds buzz over us like bees, / we be splendid in new bones.
— Lucille Clifton