For His Life

For His Life

his eyes burned with anger,
his stare directed at the walls,
the walls confining him,
the man cried,
for what he had done,
for who he had killed,
for those he had hurt,
for relationships he had lost,
for his life.

soccer04rox wrote:For His Life
First things firsts, I think you should capatilize the first letter of every sentence or peice.
his eyes burned with anger,
his stare directed at the walls,
the walls confining him,
the man cried,
for what he had done,
for who he had killed,
for those he had hurt,
for relationships he had lost,
for his life.

Who did he kill? How? When? Where? Most importantly why? You leave your readers not guessing necessarilly but wondering. As a writer, you always want to keep your readers guessing but that's when your writing books, right here is when you are writing a poem. With poems your supposed to tell a story in either a lyrical way that rhymes or just an emotional peice that explains it. You dont have a story or a plot and I'm very confused. I do like where its going but I think you should either explain it or change it. Either way I want you to add on to it(: It sounds like it would be a nice story though or poem if you worked a little harder.

It's a piece with mystery, but possibly too much. It's also a bit bland. You never feel a connection to the man. Also, you say his eyes burn with anger, bit then he cried. Anger and sadness sometimes go together, but here it doesn't fit. I suggest choosing one emotion to have the man portray through out the whole thing. You could make this go much farther. This little bit you have could be the first stanza, then go on, ending each with For his life. Go on to explain what he did.

First of all, it is a very short poem, and in order for a short poem to work it has to have a clear point. But, however this I find, is way too vague. I have no idea where it is heading, what is going on, and the suspense and mystery doesn't work. This is just an opinion, but in order to get your point across a little better, you may want to extend the length of the poem.

Also, if you are going to write poems like this, either use proper punctuation, or one final piece of punctuation at the end. Capital letters are vital.

But, this has potential, you just need to understand where you are heading. Please feel free to PM me

He, these other kids are being assholes. Honestly i think you should just get a new stanza in there and explain someone else. Its good, with potential, i just dont think you ever finished it or you were trying to be cool or something. Write about what you know, what you see and hear and dont worry about scene, make them.

I personally like this peom. I understand what you're trying to say and I can see everything that you are describing. I agree with rememberme, you should really capitalize the begginning of the lines. Other than that I think it's great! Keep writing!

I like this, it's got mystery. An unknown quality to itself. It makes you think, guess what happened, what might happen. I like that, it's nice to see unknown qualities in poems. Very well done.

It seems like it could be a could part but not a good poem. It needs a lot more added to it. I wanna know who what where when why how. Because of ______. Since the ________. Because i killed _______ doing ______ taking ____ leaving _____ to _____. You know what i mean? It needs a lot more "oomph" basically. Add more and make it a true thing that inspires the reader to read on and to know what is going to happen. Overall a good piece.

All of you have it wrong. Believe me, I'm a very grammatical person, but don't you think all of these restrictions on "how you're supposed to write" is taking away the art in it all? Art isn't something you constitute laws into. Art is yours, it's your very own creation.
The vagueness of this poem is what makes it great. You don't know what happened, you never will, but you get the raw emotion of the person who this happened to.

Well, to say the least, I think it's interesting.