The Weeping Willow

So.. This is my first try of embodying a tree, or any object.

Spoiler

I was not just writing from a tree. I was trying to combine the story of a person into the tree. I was hoping in the end I had related them well enough they became one.

The Weeping Willow

Alone I stand,
On solid ground.
Beneath my many branches,
Lies a stagnant lake.

Some advantageous day,
A traveler finds his way,
To my detached part of the world.
I reach out to him like a child to its mother,

Craving his attention.
He brushes me off .
I can feel the cracks begin to form in my core.
I know I will not stand tall for much longer.

The reek of lake grabs my base,
Threaten to squeeze the life out of me.
This small, ignorant traveler,
Some how does not see my pain.

I want to make a sound,
So he can hear me
My branches sway in the wind.
The crack almost nonexistent,

Break my core in two
So once and for all,
In my detached part of the world,
I weep for the life I never lived.

Okay, so this is how I planned the story. ( if you want insight ) I was relating to a story of something that happened in my life. ( this is why I repeat " I " or " My " In the story so often ) I put the story into an object for a reason. I was hoping that my story would bring life to the object. I chose the Weeping Willow because the name of the tree. Anyway, I hope you liked it.
The Reason I wrote " Small, ignorant traveler" was to suggest some one who had not seen much of life.

Boolovesyou wrote:The Weeping Willow

Alone I stand,
On solid ground.
Beneath my many branches,
Lies a stagnant lake. This is out of place. It's seperated from what is below, you might want to save parts of this for later, like if this traveler finds the lake, then you mention something like this, because right here it has no revelence.

Some advantageous day, You don't need to say this line either, it's kinda unneeded. If we have a traveler going to a remote location, we know it's an expedition or something of that sort, or it will develope into that.
A traveler finds his way, I'll treat this as the beginning
To my detached part of the world.
I reach out to him like a child to its mother,

Craving his attention.
He brushes me off .
I can feel the cracks begin to form in my core.
I know I will not stand tall for much longer. This is kinda boring. These are some good ideas, but you should give them more substance, like emotion or an idea to what they could relate to as a tree feeling. You can say: He burshes me off, and this cracks my core, I cannot stand for this much longer. That's just an example, play with your words, see what you can come up with.

The reek of lake grabs my base, Wait on what I said about the first stanza. I'll get to it, trust me.
ThreatenThis should be threatening, it can help the flow. to squeeze the life out of me.
This small, ignorant traveler;
Some how does not see my pain.

I want to make a sound,
So he can hear me Why else would you make a sound? This is a bit redundent, we know why you're making a sound, you don't need to tell us. You can leave stuff out, and just give us clues, because that's what makes reading poetry fun, the things that we have to figure out.
My branches sway in the wind.
The crack almost nonexistent, What? You really need to redo this line. That's all I can say until it's redone.

Break my core in two
So once and for all,
In my detached part of the world,
I weep for the life I never lived. Alright, you didn't exactly build up to this ending. This ending would fit if you talked about how envious this tree is of the man, but instead it was about how you wanted to be noticed and saved? Which is really the type of note that this should be ending on. Try to rework this to fit with the rest of the poem.

First off, you should seperate your disclaimer, like at the end with something, so you don't confuse people.
Over all:
The part about the lake (finally!) it doesn't really seem to work to well with the poem. The idea of the smell choking the life out of you at the root. I just don't really see it, maybe if you made more relation to the lake and what it could be? Like if it was ignorance or something that can give us an idea of what it is, because as it presently stands, it doesn't work too well.

Also, the description of this poem is bland. There is no implied things, similes, metaphors; anything really that would make this more interesting to read.

You have the bones to a good piece, the idea of the wind, you can combine that with an action, like, I clapped my branches in the wind, hoping to make a sound before I fall. Something that makes this tree more human like, like how it responds and acts. You have the tree part down, now you just need to combine it with the actions / responses that a human might give, it would make it more interesting and help to capture what you're going for.

This just needs to get a bit more personal and elaborated on, like what I mentioned with the wind and clapping or the lake and ignorance. We just need something to follow and connect this to.

Good luck, keep writing.
PM me with any concerns or ways to improve my reviews;
Silented1.

I have most definitely learned a lesson from this one : Spend more then 20 minutes on a poem. Heh. Okay im rewriting this.

Flow here for your review!


[quote="Boolovesyou"]
The Weeping Willow

Alone I stand,
On solid ground.
Beneath my many branches, To me this is really difficult to understand and it doesn't flow well. The last line just cuts off the flow for me.
Lies a stagnant lake.

Some advantageous day,
A traveler finds his way,
To my detached part of the world.
I reach out to him like a child to its mother, I like the last line here, but the rest doesn't give anything leading up to it. I think we need more story inbetween.

Craving his attention.
He brushes me off . These two lines don't go together. If you crave his attention you have to do something in order for him to brush you off. You need to tell us what you did in order for him to do this.
I can feel the cracks begin to form in my core.
I know I will not stand tall for much longer. The last three words threw off the flow for me.

The reek of lake grabs my base, Why would the lake reek? Lakes don't generally smell bad.
Threaten to squeeze the life out of me. Threatening
This small, ignorant traveler,
Some how does not see my pain.

I want to make a sound,
So he can hear me
My branches sway in the wind.
The crack almost nonexistent,

Break my core in two
So once and for all,
In my detached part of the world,
I weep for the life I never lived. This stanza is so random. It's like you cut off your thoughts from above and just remembered you were talking about it so you continued at some other point. Try to lead up to this.

I like the metaphor that you gave here. I love how you used the tree, but I didn't really understand the plot. It is so random. You need to really tell us a story here. THe only other thing is you need to work on you flow. That's the only problems you have, otherwise it could be a great poem.

Hope I helped.

-Flow-

Hello there and welcome to YWS!
To me, I thought you generally had a creative idea. I liked the whole double meaning thing with the tree having actual thoughts and feelings. However, it was not believable. It lacked certain elements that you expect a poem to captivate you with, like some general 'umph'. Don't get me wrong, there was some great imagery in there but it did not bring chills, so to speak.
Keep writing and good job