Of Melody and Death

Of Melody and Death

The web of lies holds her there
Eyes set course for a song to share
She loves to watch the simple things
Her death is vomit as she sings
The wind knows her song all too well
Calls out to dance a lovely spell
Her husband marches to the beat
Their love is strange and quite unique
The drummer sets the mood of life
Lacking the harmony to get it right
Eyes ablaze and mind far gone
She is murdered for the things that he gets wrong
She does not know how deep it flows
The madness takes him down a dusty road
It is quiet there and peaceful too
No loud distractions or flowers to bloom
The music stops abruptly now
Her heart gives way to a sudden shout
He leaves her there to rot alone
Thus is the way he has always known
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Thank you for taking the time to read my poem. It was written as a school assignment though I don't think it is my greatest work. I hadn't posted on this wonderful forum in about a year so I figured I'd break the ice and post this poem.

Hi i'm BuzzBee I hope I can help!

He leaves her there to rot alone
Thus is the way he has always known

I like this, it flows well and has a haunting vision to it.

I just like to say that I love your poem and keep writing!
(I know this is short but...yeah)

Buzzbee123 wrote:Hi i'm BuzzBee I hope I can help!

He leaves her there to rot alone
Thus is the way he has always known

I like this, it flows well and has a haunting vision to it.

I just like to say that I love your poem and keep writing!
(I know this is short but...yeah)

Thanks for the comment! All are welcome and I appreciate all feedback. Thank you for reading.

Greetings I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer for today, this poem unlike what the other person said, doesn't flow well, it's rhyme scheme goes hello, then goodbye halfway through it. But enough of the issues I shall elaborate on it further by giving the review.

If you rhyme it should be consistent, in some cases it can work if you only rhyme in one or two stanza or a line or so, but when you begin by rhyming you should end as such, dropping it suddenly is pointless and achieves nothing but giving the readers a migraine at how confusing it is. Understand I may not be fond of rhyming poems, but what is even worse is someone who drops a scheme for whatever purpose they desire, I've no idea at this point. It's like this, you were stacking a shelf then suddenly decided to run home and play video games, that makes sense in some ways, procrastination comes to mind. What you did doesn't even have that excuse. One day it was rhyming along merrily. Next it hated life and wished to destroy all consistency in the world. I understand I'm over dramatic, but despite the theatrics, it's true.

Now on to good, you have some great word choice, with some interesting imagery and some pretty good lines, it actually has lines I really love, and evoke great imagery. It's a shame that the flow must let it down so much. Here's lines I really loved.

Her death is vomit as she sings

The wind knows her song all too well

Eyes set course for a song to share

It's sad such imagery is further dispelled by the second part of the poem jumping in headache mode. Because these aren't generic sounding, they actually sound brilliant.

Overall: What really lets down this poem is the problem of the second part, first part fine, some lines a little iffy, but otherwise, it doesn't sound generic or boring. Now move on to next part, as you drop rhyme everything I loved about poem I loved vanishes. So my tip is this, rewrite, keeping to scheme you began.

Hope this helps.

I actually really like this piece; sure you could have done with a better Syllable count on each line and in some parts the rhyming was a bit off but I'll go into them in a minute.

First of all, the Syllables:
The first two lines worked the best as far a Syllables are concerned in my opinion; although having said that, your Syllables are fine right up until the eighth line which ends with "unique". I'm sorry to say that after that, the Syllables really don't seem to work and I think in a rhyming poem like this one, the flow and rhyming need to work together.

Rhyme scheme:
OK, this is another thing you started off beautifully in the beginning and it gradually got worse toward the end. From what I can see, you have full rhymes up until the sixth line (which ends in "spell"). After that, you have only half rhymes, ex: "too" and "bloom", these rhymes actually only just meet the half rhyme mark. I really think you need to think about the rhymes you have put into the poem. Or, because of the message the reader gets from this poem, you could even write the whole thing again, only this time, don't use rhymes at all, this way you may be able to express your imagery better; only a suggestion though.

Imagery:
At some parts you have really nice imagery like when you were saying she has no distractions now she's dead. That was brilliant. I don't think your imagery needs working on to be honest.

Overall
I think is a great poem, you have some fantastic imagery but you lack Syllable-proof lines. So I think in order to improve, you need to make your lines flow more easily and work on your rhyming scheme.

Hope this helped. Need any more reviews or help with this one, just PM me and I'll be happy to help.
thatboy

Her death is vomit as she sings
The wind knows her song all too well
Calls out to dance a lovely spell
Her husband marches to the beat
Their love is strange and quite unique
The drummer sets the mood of life

this part is my favorite alot of imagery in it but i really dont quite understand "her death is vomit as she sing" at first i couldn't really understand it but after you read on it clicks with the poem. but the poem itself is very good and if u can do better that that as you say im looking forward to your next post. Thank you for that post k till then
~Midnightblack