happy never after

Spoiler

I know this needs work but I would just like to see what people think

Does Prince Charming
ride a white steed?
Do princesses wait in
high towers?

Does my love lay
waiting behind
gosamere curtains?
Or in a forest far far away?

Oh wait,
no she doesn't.
This is reality.
Just a happy never after.

Wow. Really nice. Short and straight to the point.
I can't see anything wrong with it at the moment.

I just think you need to expand on this, and maybe help us sympathize with you a little more. Right now the tone is just kind of stern and direct like, "Well, this is reality. Sucks for me." We just don't get that much of a chance to really understand. Also, just kind of try to elaborate. What's the part of this you long for? Being a hero? Or being in love? I don't know, this is just what I felt. Also, longer lines usually work better, because short lines can make it feel really choppy. But I'm just kind of rambling; honestly, this is a decent poem. It still has the potential to be even better, but it's not bad.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Loved it! It was short and message was recieved totally.

I don't get why people believe that stuff happens, when news flash, it DOESN'T SO GET OVER IT!

I also don't get why they make those stupid sappy romance movies, they just give the idiots (no offense to anyone) more false hope.

Come on people, and open your blind eyes, that there is no real life 'happily ever after'. Its always a 'happily never after'.

Dude, you did right to post this! PEOPLE MUST KNOW THE TRUTH!

Hello, Isha here to review. ^-^

All right, so to start off I would like to say that you said at first, "This needs work." I have to agree. You have a pretty good start, but you need a whole lot more. Give me some imagery, lots of it! Like Story said, I can tell that something's wrong. You're hating reality, having problems with a love-life, something along those lines. It's easy to figure out, but there's nothing there. We need to be able to sympathize with you, not feel like you're whining about life.

Add some of that wonderful imagery I know you're capable of, make it more than just a skeleton! You've got the foundation, got the beams, but you need the rest.


xoxo
Ish

Greetings I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer and to me this tried to be cliché while being cliché it's a pretty impossible predicament for you, the fairytale is generic and now so is the opposite version. This being the case using opposite side without anything to solidify this is pretty hopeless effort. A poem can't stand alone on such a flimsy metaphor, wrap it in another layer, give us some nuances, it would lead to a stronger feel and great piece.

I shall explain although this sounds harsh I've valid reasons for why, this seems incomplete rushed and half done job, it tries to insightful, but at this point your point has now become contrive and boring. As much as you try to be original, the point you made is no longer as such. Especially in this jaded age most of us scoff at Fairytale romances, many tweens are obsessed with not the perfect fairytale relationship, but a stalker boyfriend. It's hard to be original, but it's not hard to add your own flair. I'm a big fan of knights and everything they stand for, I'd exploit that, you just list some tiresome lines that don't do much to really make us see or gives us sufficient imagery. In fact I argue this poem is just a rant of someone who just realized how life is. I've seen some of your poems before, normally you at least observe imagery or literacy techniques, here you give bare bones.

Overall: Here in lies the problem, you focused very little on this, you ranted poorly about how life is and you don't even try add another layer, it's not an onion, it's one layer which is just plain irritating and boring. You need more substance to a poem than just bare bones, because as it stand this cliché can't stand it's own.

Hope this helps.

i think you need to expand on this. Make us feel sympathetic about this story. Expand on why it will never happen. Is the girl a loser and the guys popular? Is there a huge age difference? I, the reader, don't know and I need to. theres really nothing bad to say since it is so short but it is good. It seems rushed. Like you wanted to write a story on this site so you wrote a half decent half done story. I know it sounds harsh but its true. I would rather read a longer story and have to take my time reading it not reviewing it. But this? TOO SHORT. When you make it longer, cause I really hope you do because it has the potential to be so good, PM me or write on my wall.
sorry for the harshness.
Jenn <3

Hey, Retro... Jashy here doing a random review. =)

My only nitpick is this:

retrodisco666 wrote:Does a princesses wait in
high towers?

I just feel like there should be a consistency between the "Does Prince Charming..." and "Does my love..."
So there. Though no biggy.

As for the poem itself, is okay. Its shortness was okay, I guess, but there was a sense of abruptness in it that I can't put my finger on. I have nothing else to say. I guess I can't critique this much. 'Cause well, I neither believe in happily ever after and happy never after in life. I guess...so I won't elaborate my evaluation of this piece.

I hope you keep writing!

~ Jash ♥

really good. Do you have any others?