Falling

This might be terrible, I don't really do poetry that much because I can never find rhymes but I just had these words come to me and I couldn't ignore them.

We were flying

A small bird, floating up,
Up, with every word from your mouth.
The soft ribbon tie drawing us closer, still,
Still, we felt like this could really be.

The black night holds secrets,
Secrets, deadly, of which no one ever told
He couldn’t handle it alone,
Alone, forever he will be.

The glass is broken,
Broken, he had to end this life.
The letter he wrote will forever haunt you,
You are floating farther away from me.

We are falling

TheTruthLiesWithin wrote:This might be terrible, I don't really do poetry that much because I can never find rhymes but I just had these words come to me and I couldn't ignore them.

We were flying

A small bird, floating up,
Up, with every word that came out of your mouth.
The soft ribbon tie drawing us closer, still,
Still, we felt like this could really be.

The black night holds secrets,
Secrets, awfully deadly, but no one ever knew.
He couldn’t handle it alone,
Alone, forever he will be.

The glass is broken,
Broken, he had to end his life.
The letter he wrote will forever haunt you,
You are floating farther away from me.

We are falling

The title really lowered my expectations with this, no offense, it just felt cliche. The poem however surprised me and I really liked it!

The structure of repetition really worked and the stanzas were well paced and did in fact make me feel the sensation of flying and falling. The stanzas however (and I get criticized for doing this all the time so don't worry haha!) don't seem cohesive, they're all about quite different topics and it's hard to bridge them together. On the other hand I like the vagueness of a fragmented poem because then it's like a puzzle piece with missing pieces and that makes it all the more intriguing to read.

P.S. Love the polished finish!

Cool poem.

soft ribbon tie

- I feel that 'tie' is unnecessary here

The best part of this, for me, was the formatting and style. The flying/falling make a stark contrast for the poem to fit between, and the repetition of a word to start the next line gave an echoing sensation that complemented the idea of falling/flying. The stanzas don't seem to have a common thread at first, but then one sees that it shifts from a happier flying feel to a more morose/melancholy/etc. falling feel - I love that! Poetry should have to be read at least twice to be understood, im(h?)o.

Great work, and keep writing!

Thank you! I didn't know what to put for the title...so I went with that. It's boring but I couldn't think of anything else I'm open to suggestions.

Hey Truth!

So... This reminds me of something. I really like the composition, and the meaning, although it is a little bit confusing at some point. I get how it was easy and almost prefect for you to be with someone and then something really bad happened. The contrast... It's perfect! I love it! Hope to see more of your poems, because you do write beautifully. And don't change anything, except maybe the title, but it's still perfect with the title you have.

-Other One

Hi Truth, I'm new to YWS! Thanx 4 reviewing my poem so now I will return the favor. Firstly I strongly disagree with the others who have reviewed your poem!! I think it is good to have a simple plain tile when you have a poem that has so much description and elegance. It leaves a lot of mystery for the reader to have a simple title and a wonderful poem. Secondly I really really loved your poem! I felt like it is in perspective of the bird however some may see it as watching the bird. I loved how you painted the picture. It was great. It was elegant, beautiful with a touch of darkness.
Thanx for a great poem. Please continue to write more.
watchmeburn (please review my work, I only have 2)

I like this poem a lot, and disagree with what one person above has said about the stanzas all being about different things - the poem really tells a story to me. It is subtle, and I love the symbolism. My interpretation of it is of two lovers, who are parted when the man kills himself because of dark secrets, yet the woman thought everything was perfect and finds out the reason for his death in a letter. I'm going to do a critique below, you don't have to agree, it is only meant to be helpful. My ideas are next to your poem in bold.

TheTruthLiesWithin wrote:
We were flying perfect first line

A small bird, floating up,
Up, with every word that came out of your mouth. Up, with every word from your mouth.
The soft ribbon tie drawing us closer, still,
Still, we felt like this could really be.

The black night holds secrets, The dark night holds secrets
Secrets, awfully deadly, but no one ever knew. Secrets, deadly, of which no one ever told
He couldn’t handle it alone,
Alone, forever he will be.

The glass is broken,
Broken, he had to end his life. Broken, he had to end this life
The letter he wrote will forever haunt you, The letter he left will haunt me forever
You are floating farther away from me.

We are falling

hey...
nice poem...
do you know the song Falling? i like that song like your poem... really, no joke

Thanks for reviewing my poem (: I decided to read some of yours.
I really liked this poem . Obviously better than mine ! You did great on this poem