Winter

6 posts
Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 1229
Reviews 13
This is just something I wrote because the snow's just fallen and I've always found it beautiful. Any constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated.

The first snow fell yesterday. I remembered how much you loved it when it blanketed the world, enchanted it. I once found the silence of winter eerie, too quiet out here in the country where there are no cars, skyscrapers, or people. You used to laugh when I would sit indoors, complaining that it should always be spring.

You were different. You grew up with the cold winters, felt the life in them where I felt only the cold and the dark. I still recall with fondness the first day you showed me why you loved this time of year. You had taken me up the mountain and shown me the white fields that stretched for miles. It shone like diamonds under the sun, silencing me. It was breathtaking.

“I’ve always loved the winter,” you said later that night. We were sitting together by the fire, your lips were pressing gently against the rim of the mug you held to them. The steam rose up to meet your rosy cheeks, and the flames lit up your long golden locks as they flickered. “It’s as if it arrives and erases everything wrong in the world, cleansing it all. I always feel alive after the first fall of snow, as if it has wrapped itself around me and healed my wounds.” You blushed after that; I could tell even though your cheeks were already cherry in colour. I think that was when I fell in love with you, though I’m not sure what it was.

My bones ache now as I grow older, and the cold seems to bring the pain to the very core. Each year seems a lonely one, stretching on for what seems an eternity. Not a day goes by I don’t wish you were here to warm my soul as you always did. I never could tolerate the winter very well, being from warmer places. The first snow fall makes me yearn for you, for warmer seasons.

Yet I stay in this house, this home, where together we raised our children and made our life. I do not leave the valley where our modest farm house is nestled at the foot of the mountains. Each and every winter I still climb to the peak of the mountain where we would go arm in arm and watch the snow fall upon our life together.

I can feel the life in the winter now, as you once did; I feel your hand sweep softly upon my cheek when the cold air blows across my skin, and when the wind howls through the trees on the mountain, I hear your voice, whispering to me. I no longer find it too quiet or lonely in the winter, for in its beauty I feel you beside me, waiting patiently for my final season to end.


Please leave feedback! I'd really love up hear more opinions!
Last edited by Jasmine on Mon Nov 29, 2010 9:59 pm, edited 3 times in total.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 4343
Reviews 51
I couldn't find any mistakes, so good job on that. I liked this. It's pleasant to read, and i like the whole tone of it; sad but sweet. I'm afraid i don't have much to say really. I thought it was really good :)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 965
Reviews 95
This is the first story I have ever read on here. I'm always to impatient to read any, but I saw yours and decided I'd give it a shot, and whaddu ya know?! It reeled me in and kept me there. Reading your story made me think about lost loves that I have had and brought a sad smile to my face. I think you do really good with your descriptions. But, I would love for you to write more, or to tell us why he/she died. Oh yeah is it a man or a woman? What's there name? Your leaving your auidence dieing to know more(: So tell it all (:.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 940
Reviews 28
I admit.... I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT! You are a genius. I love how you never showed if it was a boy of a girl narrating the story, which leads the reader to use their own imagination to figure it out. :)
Georgie x
(P.S Winter is my favorite season)
They don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart
Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got that you are not your skin
-Skin, Sixx:A.M




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1305
Reviews 11
Hello! Okay, so firstly, loved it. :) You used great detail and me want to keep reading. There were however a few things i noticed.
framed by your long, golden locks of hair.

Small thing, I know, but you need a comma after long.
I still climb to the peak of the mountain where we would go arm in arm

I believe you forgot the word 'where' in this sentence.
Not a day goes by when I don’t wish you

This part of the sentence felt weird without the word 'when.' this one might just be me thought.
the first snow falls makes me yearn for you,

It makes more sense to me to take away an 's' from fall and add an 's' to make.

I think that was all I noticed, but just read through it again. Out loud if i may add. Reading out loud always helps. Once again, nice piece. Hope to see some more from you.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4495
Reviews 228
That was a pleasant read, I liked how the persona's age coincided with winter, alluding to the 'end'.
It's certainly refreshing to read a story about love in old age since most of the stories in this forum is about young love.
Short and sweet, overall this was a good piece.

Have a good day,
Meep(:
~Liverpool F.C Supporter~
"You'll never walk alone"



A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets.
— Homer Simpson