My Secrets

Just something random I wrote.

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I hear the whispers in my ear,
they try to avoid my eyes.
They know the secrets that I kept,
but now are lose and free.

Where can I hid from all the lies,
which spill from their caring mouths.
I cannot even run away,
for they will always haunt my dreams.

My secrets spill like an open tap,
it's water runs down the street.
It's trampled by the careless feet
of those have have seem but don't care.

My life is that open tap,
with my secrets free to flow.
The handle broke so long ago,
that I'm read like an open book.

Greetings I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer, this piece wasn't awful it had some great lines, but what it really failed at what conveying certain idea and dropping the metaphor you were using originally. It just seems like it could work if you focused on that one metaphor of your secrets being like water, but you don't instead you just drop it and move on to a book from nowhere.

To explain, there certain stanza which don't ring true, like:

Where can I hid from all the lies,
which spill from their caring mouths.
I cannot even run away,
for they will always haunt my dreams.

This one here seem rather pointless and doesn't seem to emanate any real message. It just seems tacked on and not at all needed in the grand scheme of things, you're metaphor not ruined and you keep point of poem.

Now, the ending really annoyed me, here you had this grand idea of secrets being like water flowing and then out of nowhere you think 'forget this' and drop it altogether and start talking about a book. You can't do that in poetry, it isn't smart, nor clever, in fact just irritating.

This here is a mixed bag there some great lines like this:

My secrets spill like an open tap,
it's water runs down the street.
It's trampled by the careless feet
of those have have seem but don't care.

Really promise here, but then we have the stanza above that which just seems pointless and serve no real purpose, it has promise but you don't really exploit that.

Overall, this poem is a shame, it seems to try convey something quite ingeniously but then drops it in favour of lazy metaphor which has no place and comes right out of left field.

Hope this helps.

Beautiful Poem. I just made a few suggestions. ( I am not trying to force you into anything)

kingolions wrote:
I hear the whispers in my ear,
they try to avoid my eyes.
They know the secrets that I kept,
but now are lose and free.

Where can I hid from all the lies?
which spill from their caring mouths.
I can't even run away,- you don't need to keep that one, but it just matches up to the rest of the poem since in the other parts you used contractions. It gives a sort of indirect voice.
for they will always haunt my dreams.

My secrets spill from? an open tap,or, like water from and open tap...
it's water runs down the street.
It's trampled by the careless feet
of those have have seem? but don't care.-that part is a little confusing.

My life is that open tap,
with my secrets free to flow.or, that freely flow( completely up to you)
The handle broke so long ago,
And I'm read like an open book.- thatjust seems a little confusing.

And everything else is nice. Good job!

Hi kingolions,
The Imagery was great and very descriptive, allowing the reading to see what you were meaning. Couldn't find any errors in your poem, in general it was good poem very descriptive. I Liked it alot, cant wait to see more!

Hi, kinglions! I'm Sol....I Enjoyed this poem, I can understand it pretty well.... hahaha! I like it, it was interesting! Keep writing! What some people don't like others will! Baii

Hey king,

It may not always seem like much, but spelling mistakes are always very distracting, and you've got a couple floating around here, like "lose" which should be "loose", "hid" that should be "hide"... You've also got the "its"/"it's" confusion going. Watch out for those. To be honest, it looks like you haven't even re-read this poem before submitting it; "of those have have seem but don't care.", really?

You've also got a drift in theme. The opening and ending focus on the narrator's secrets, but then you've got mention of lies--what's that got to do with anything? They never come back again either. Either you should play with that idea a bit more, expand it and make it more relevant, or just cut it out.

You're also repeating yourself in the last two stanzas. Not always word by word, but in a way that makes it all very redundant, like with "My secrets spill like an open tap" and "My life is that open tap". The readers will get it the first time around, no need to pound it in. The third line of the last stanza is probably the part I like most here; it's a nice twist on the image of the tap/faucet. Now if you tried keeping that up everywhere else, you might have something good.