Jacq of Hearts

It's a poem. About a girl named Jacqueline.

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While I was playing cards,
I met the Jacq of Hearts.
And from that moment on,
I knew we could never be apart.

We talked and we laughed
Day after day, night after night.
I fell in love with that Card
Because this Joker was my Knight.

We were both destroyed,
Rebuilding in this New Place
The Jacq of Hearts knew my pain
And could take it away with one embrace

But when I told her of my love,
This damned Joker laughed at me,
Saying that Cards couldn't love me,
Just think that I was friendly.

My Jacq of Hearts was supposed to be
My Full House, or at least my Pair.
But she was only my Kicker,
And to win this hand, I would need a prayer.

But I stayed in the game
And I kept my Card
Knowing she wouldn't be a Pair
But to let her go would be too hard.

And now I'm all in with no hope
And all I have is my Kicker to hold.
If my Jacq of Hearts would just be my Pair,
I would have no reason to fold.

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I've been toying around with the idea for a little while, and I've been playing around with the words. Not perfect, but I figured I'd get a bit of criticism before I go back in and tweak everything again

Nice comparison- A girl (you liked?)and a game of cards.I am guessing this a rejection story...just guessing.
**If you capitalized those words for a reason, disregard my corrections

While I was playing cards,
I met the Jacq of Hearts.
And from that moment on,
I knew we could never be apart.

We talked and we laughed
Day after day, night after night.
I fell in love with that card
Because this Joker was my Knight.

We were both destroyed,
Rebuilding in this new place
The Jacq of Hearts knew my pain
And could take it away with one embrace

But when I told her of my love,
This damned Joker laughed at me,
Saying that cards couldn't love me,
Just think that I was friendly.

My Jacq of Hearts was supposed to be
My Full House, or at least my Pair.
But she was only my kicker,
And to win this hand, I would need a prayer.

But I stayed in the game
And I kept my card
Knowing she wouldn't be a Pair
But to let her go would be too hard.

And now I'm all in with no hope
And all I have now is my kicker to hold.
If my Jacq of Hearts would just be my Pair,
I would have a reason not to fold.

Nice-it just seems like you went to great lengths to make it rhyme. While rhyming is good and all, if you don't carefully nit-pick everything, you could really lose opportunities for detail.
Unless you know a whole lot about cards ( and card games) it wouldn't be easy to understand ( due to all your card references).

Even me, who doesn't play cards too much could tell what this was about.
This was about a girl, and you were rejected.
I could seriously relate to this story and the metaphors you used were stunning. They really were amazing.
I think this is a really good poem and you should be proud you wrote it.
After reading the poem again, would I be right in saying that this girl just wanted to be friends with you and that she was under the influence that that's all you and her were ever going to be?
Maybe I'm reading into it too much - just a thought.

Well, great poem and I really could relate to it. Well done!
thatboy

First, I would like to thank you for reviewing my work. All of your comments are appreciated, and I'm glad to hear that you guys could understand the poem.

JoJo, I'm one of those guys who likes to capitalize things to give them symbolic importance. Sometimes I can overdo it though, so I will consider your revisions when I go back into it.

Also, rhyming in poetry isn't my strongest suite. I'm more of a prose author, so I understand that the rhyming can feel forced in places, because sometimes it was. It's one of the main things I want to go back and look into fixing.

But I'm really happy that this was understood even by those who don't usually play poker. I did meet this girl while I was playing poker, and her "signature" is the Jack of Hearts, which made it perfect for a card analogy. Yes, I fell for her, and while I thought she felt the same, she only wanted to be friends. So we're just friends now. I'm glad that, while slightly cryptic, the message was still decipherable to the Average Joe out there.

Once again, thank you for your reviews, and I welcome anyone else to tell me what they think

First off going to say great use of metaphor, the name of your love worked very well with this. And now I shall say hello, I'm LastPaladin, you may have seen me dotted around, and if so you know I'm a harsh reviewer, but you may also know how I can praise something just as well. Well lets begin shall we.

Firstly I think I shall do this by the stanza, I feel I could really capture everything if I do it this way. So we shall begin at the beginning of course.

While I was playing cards,
I met the Jacq of Hearts.
And from that moment on,
I knew we could never be apart.

For such a good metaphor, I feel you could begin to establish this much better, it seems too simple, too tawdry, not enough is shown, we just get a basic understanding, and for a first stanza it doesn't really hook, I think it took me reading a few stanzas before I was a little impressed, my suggestion here is that you need to hook us with a better bait, something that really shows the love that you describe was at first sight.

We talked and we laughed
Day after day, night after night.
I fell in love with that Card
Because this Joker was my Knight.

Here we branch off into telling us everything, it's not too bad but we want to feel everything you felt for this person, that can't happen if you don't allow us in my invitation. But yes it was definitely here I became slightly intrigued, the last line makes me wonder perhaps this isn't so half-hearted after all, and it enters subtly levels.

We were both destroyed,
Rebuilding in this New Place
The Jacq of Hearts knew my pain
And could take it away with one embrace

Now here you get into your stride, which is wholly apparent, you stop telling us, and allow us entry, although I feel like the final line is little iffy, seems kinda of let down from strong start to this stanza, perhaps use another word other than embrace, maybe a card related term.

But when I told her of my love,
This damned Joker laughed at me,
Saying that Cards couldn't love me,
Just think that I was friendly.

This verse is by far weakest, I feel you could have used strong word choice here, it's my opinion 'mocked' would work better than laughed and also friendly a huge let down, I think you should choose much better word here, something that seems stronger, because emotion conveyed here is lacklustre.

My Jacq of Hearts was supposed to be
My Full House, or at least my Pair.
But she was only my Kicker,
And to win this hand, I would need a prayer.

Good start, weak ending, this time I feel last line tells too much. Instead cut it down and reword the prayer line to fit with how it cut down. Above that, I very much like, it's the ending here which lets you down considerably.

But I stayed in the game
And I kept my Card
Knowing she wouldn't be a Pair
But to let her go would be too hard.

Here, I feel, you try to hard, instead try be more subtle here, this is much too loud, and when something like this is loud it comes off pretentious. It's now I know for fact, weakest stanza in this, the other not so bad in retrospect, but at this point, one thing obvious trying too hard.

And now I'm all in with no hope
And all I have is my Kicker to hold.
If my Jacq of Hearts would just be my Pair,
I would have no reason to fold.

Well one thing for sure, at least you keep up the pattern weak beginning, weak ending, strong middle. Not much else I can say here.

Overall: Your problem is trying too hard, you have a good idea but at times it appears like you're trying much too hard, and trying to fit in a card related term too much. It not an awful poem, but with the weak beginning and disappointing ending, what stands out is the middle, and if you're going to come in weak then end strong, don't end weak. It just seems kind of sad, it feels should be better. Sadly, just never reaches that zenith.

Hope this helps.