The Way Things Are

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Okay, so this is just a story I wrote. I'm unsure if I want to continue it, I feel like it could make a good story, but I'm not sure if i wrote the first part that great. So yeah, review and comment. I totally appreciate anything.

“Max! Max! Where are you!” yelled a rough looking man. As he wandered around the town looking for his child, the townspeople stared at the rags he called clothing. “Damn it,” he muttered to himself. Taking a quick glance around he knew he was bringing attention to himself, which was one thing he did not want. Swearing silently, he kicked a pebble, and started heading back to his home.

Meanwhile, his child was off wandering the roofs of Avon. Jumping above alley ways, she paused for a moment to turn around and yell to her friend, “Ian, come on! We’re going to miss it! Don’t you want to find out about it?”
Rolling his eyes he said, “Of course I do! I want to know more about the Test way more than you! I just ain’t as athletic as you.” Shaking his head, he quickened his pace so it just barely met Max’s.

Eventually, the two children came to a halt. They turned to face a large castle. Both Max and Ian had looks of awe every time they came to pass it. Jumping down from the roof of the house they were standing on, they quickly made there way to the castle’s large doors. To their disappointment two guards were there.

“Do you think we should just turn back?” asked Ian, but all over him was the look wanting, wanting to know more.

“No. We’ll just wing it. The guards are never that brilliant anyway.” With a fake look of confidence, she walked next to Ian and approached the guards. Nearing the doors, she looked up at them and said, “Nice day, ain’t it?” Without waiting for a reply she reached for the handle.

Only to hear the words, “Wait.”
Turning to face the guard that had spoken she replied, “Is there a problem, good sir?” Max knew she was pushing the limits with acting nice and kissing up but as long is it worked.

The same guard answered, “Yes, both of you must be servants, so why are you entering through the front door? You should know you have to take the side entrance.”

A wave of relief passed over both Max and Ian, the guard had done the speaking for them. “Yes, well, we forgot where it was…and if we don’t get back soon, we’ll get an earful from our mum. Would you mind if we just entered through here for today?”

“Well…I suppose so…alright, just be sure to go through the side entrance next time. Wouldn’t want the Master beatin’ you, know would ya?”

“No, sir, not at all. We best be off.” Max quickly grabbed Ian’s hand and pushed through the door.

Ian, whose face seemed to be as red as a rose spoke, “You lied through your teeth!”

“Shhh…and no, the guard did the lyin’ for me.” Pausing, she looked around, and continued, “Now, unless you want to leave and go and tell the guard that, I’d suggest you follow me.”

Without much resistance, Ian followed. While walking through the hallways, he whispered, “You know, we sure are lucky that the official from the castle let it slip to the vender that there was going to be three Tests happening today.”

Making a grunting noise she replied, “No kidding, we didn’t even know about spirits until we asked that official what the Test was.”
Before Ian could say something else, there was a loud ring coming from the end of the hallway. They both knew that it must mean the Test was starting soon. Hurrying, they came to two large doors once more. Quietly opening one of them, Max popped her head through and then walked in.

Motioning for Ian to follow, they walked around the edge of the room and acted like servants. They stood still and said nothing. They simply watched.

Standing in the center of the room, stood a man with a white beard and a purple hat. He was of average height and seemed like he hated his job. With a look of boredom he bean to speak, “As you all know, I must repeat the Script of Truth at every Test.”

At first, Max was unsure to he was speaking to, and then she realized that there was an audience of ten people sitting opposite to them. She had been totally oblivious of them.

Glancing at Ian, she saw how intrigued he was by all of this. She knew that he most likely wouldn’t blink or possibly breathe while the high official spoke. Just as she thought that, he began.

“Everything in this world is said to have a spirit. It is also stated that everyone -human and animal alike- started off as a simple inanimate object. Of course, this is proven to be true. We are here today to administer the test to three objects to see what emotions triggers their spirit to become human. Once each spirit leaves their object it will choose who will raise them. Our trackers will follow them for the whole day until they settle on a person. The tracker will then provide the needed information to that person,” the high official took a quick breath and remained quiet for a few moments.

During that time, Max and Ian stared at each other. They were completely stunned. The idea that their parents had not told them was shocking. Max was about to utter a few words, when the high official began once more, “Please, bring in the three objects.”

Right on cue, the doors that Max and Ian had entered through opened once more. Three servants entered, each carrying an object. Ian was carefully studying every object, there was a book, a lamp, and a hat.

Max was stupefied, unable to be quiet, she whispered to Ian, “It’s impossible, humans can’t possibly come from those items, can they?”

All Ian had to say was, “Shhh…”

The high official began once more, “It has been a months time since these objects have fallen through the portal and into this world. It is time for us to awaken their spirits. Let the Test begin.”

With that, the high official motioned for the lamp to be carried over. He then began to read what seemed like a…story. It was a children’s story, he was reading a book that contained over one hundred children’s stories in it.

As the high official read on, Max noticed the sun setting through the window. A few more minutes passed, when the high official paused. The lamp was glowing, Max didn’t find that interesting, maybe the high official turned it on because it was getting darker. Before she could think anymore, and glowing object came out of the lamp.

The high official turned to what looked to be a scholar and whispered in his ear, and they had a quick conversation. In a few seconds he turned to the audience, who also seemed to be filled with scholars and scribes and said, “Pride is the emotion that triggered it.” The scholars and scribes began to write down a bunch of stuff, which amused Max because they high official had only said once sentence.

Max began to think about what the high official had said. Pride is the emotion that triggered it. If emotions really did trigger an object to become human, and if that emotion represented the human’s personality, then what was the emotion that triggered her?

She watched as the spirit bobbed around for a few seconds then started flying off through the door. At the same time, a person started following it, whispering to Ian she said, “That must be the tracker…” She didn’t expect a response from her friend, she knew him to well, and he was way too concentrated to listen to her.

The high official then asked for the book to be brought over. Max had to chuckle, the old man was reading a book to a book. At the same time, her mind was also reeling at how she hadn’t known any of this before today. She didn’t pay attention to what he was reading, but it didn’t matter, the book had reacted much faster than the lamp. Before long, the high official was standing, and speaking to the scholar next to him once more. Curios, she listened for what emotion. “The books spirit was triggered by the emotion hostility.” She heard the old man, tsk. As if it was a shame. She couldn’t blame him, who would want a person’s personality to be shaped around hostility.

It was time to give the Test to the hat. Max couldn’t find out why the Test was called a test. It was just a high official reading a story to things that can’t talk back. Standing against the wall, her eyes started to drift. The Test wasn’t as exciting as she thought it would be. It was actually quite boring ~ the knowledge she gain from it was much more interesting. She could wait to confront her father when she got home.

The high official began to read to the hat. He continued to read after at least ten minutes went by. The sun had almost dropped entirely behind the mountains. Max was thinking that even though talking to her father about this would be interesting, she’d surely have to survive a few smacks from him for coming home so late.

Staring at the old man, it appeared that he was getting a bit annoyed. However, his face lifted when the hat started to glow, and the glow eventually came out. Standing up, he didn’t bother to whisper to the scholar - who looked to be a bit hurt by that- he simply announced the emotion, “Hope, hope is the emotion that triggered this hat’s spirit.”

The scholars and scribes watched as it just bobbed in place, they started to whisper, “As it chosen the high official as it’s raiser…It can’t be…No spirit would ever choose a high official…they just don’t…”

There worries were wiped away as it started to fly towards the window where Max and Ian were standing. Max whispered, “Maybe it’s taking a short cut.” The tracker prepared to start a chase when it just stopped…in front of Max. Knowing she must be blocking its way or something, she moved to her right. It followed her.

Looking towards the tracker and high official, their eyebrows were both raised. Both of them started walking over towards them. A bit worried, she glanced at Ian, who didn’t seem any better then her. Sighing, she hated that the spirit had stopped in front of her.

Now in front of her the high official spoke, “How old are you, girl?”

The high official had a serious tone, it scared her a bit. She was able to stutter out the words, “Fif...fifteen, sir.”

His eyes went wide, he turned to the tracker and asked, “Has a spirit ever chosen someone so young?”

All the tracker said was, “Never.”

“Well, if a spirit has chosen then there is no changing its decision,” turning back to Max he said, “What’s you name, girl? We must have it, due to official papers and all.”

Recovering a bit she said, “Max…no, I mean Maxine Grace, sir.”

“Seeing how you’re here, I assume you must be a servant?”

Max froze, she knew she had to tell the truth, she just hoped she didn’t get in trouble for it. “No, sir, my friend and I, we sneaked in. We just wanted to know about the Test, our parents never told us about it, and we heard an official in the town square talk about. We really are sorry.”

Max was breathing hard, she had rushed the explanation, feeling the need to let it all out. The old man spoke once more, “Normally, you two would receive a beating for sneaking into this castle…but, seeing how this spirit chose you, we have to let you off,” he turned to the tracker once more and said, “Explain everything to her. I must change into my dinner robes.” And so, the high official, scholars, and scribes left the room. Now, only the tracker, Max, and Ian were there.

The tracker simply began to speak, “Since this spirit has chosen you, you must raise it and care for it. Since its emotion that triggered it was hope, its name must begin with a H. You can tell it about spirits whenever you feel ready, but you cannot tell it what emotion triggered it until it reaches its eighteenth year for specific reasons.”

Max was paralyzed, it was too much for her. She was strong though, only a few seconds passed by before she said, “When does it turn into a human?”

The tracker simply pointed and said, “Now.”

Turning around, the spirit seemed to get bigger. Its white aura seemed to be spinning around and around. Other color slowly appeared. It was still floating off the ground. It started moving faster, then before long, Max could see feet at the bottom of the spirits glowing aura. Then slowly, an entire body started to appear, and then before the entire aura of the spirit disappeared a head was formed.

Max and Ian were completely stunned.

The tracker spoke, “It’s a girl. Now, you must name her.”

“Helena.” Max surprised herself, she had no idea where the name came from.
“Every object that changes turns into a child of ten years. Make sure to raise her right, of course, she already has loads of knowledge, every object does, but that doesn’t mean she knows everything. Now, you two better be off.”

“What…what about clothing?”

“What are you talking about?”

“She’s not clothe—“ Max cut herself out, a few seconds ago she was bare naked, now she one a dark brown shirt and a light pair of trousers on. As well as a working class hat on that looked exactly like the hat she was formed from. “One more thing, does every person keep the object it was formed from?”

“Always.” Without another word the tracker left.

Turning to Ian, Max said, “Um. Well, we learned about the Test…didn’t we?”

Ian gave her a sarcastic look and said, “No kidding, we better get going. My mum is gonna’ kill me.”

“Yeah, there is no doubt that my da’ is gonna give me a slap, but hey, maybe he’ll go easy, I am giving him a grandchild.” Max couldn’t help but laugh.

She turned to Helena and just looked at her. She had dark brown hair and green eyes. Max found that the strangest combination, she hadn’t seen anyone like that. “Well, Helena…that’s your name. I better show you your home.”

Ian just laughed, “Why are you talking like that?”

“Like what?”
“Like you’re unsure of yourself, you never talk like that.”

“Yeah, well, I did gain a daughter today…and I’m fifteen.”

“Whatever, just act like yourself around her, and don’t kill her.” With that, Ian ran off.

Max, smiled and yelled, “Thanks for the advice!” She then turned to Helena, “Um, so my name is Maxine…but call me Max okay.”

The ten year old girl said, “Shouldn’t I call you mum? You are going to raise me, ain’t you?”

“No. Don’t call me mum, call me Max. It’s just strange. Now come on, I have to bring you home.” Unsure, Max held out her hand to the girl. Without hesitating, the much shorter girl grabbed her hand. Together they walked to Max’s home, and the entire time, Max thought of how she was going to explain it to her da’.




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A good start... My notes going through:

"... more about the Test way more than you!" After 'test', there should be some kind of punctuation.

If they pass the castle every day, wouldn't they guess that there'd be guards there?

“Yes, both of you must be servants." Why would the guard make this assumption? Even if the guards aren't all that smart, it seems like they'd be at least a little alert. I could understand this if the children were dressed up in the servents' uniforms or something, but if two kids just walked up and started to go in through the wrong door, methinks they would be thought intruders quicker than they'd be thought servants.

Why would an official just blab about something that seems to be a secret? Was he just recently fired and mad at the people who administer the test? Did he have too much to drink? Why's he going around telling these things to venders and little kids?

"seemed like he hated his job." Why exactly do they get this impression of him? Do his eyelids droop, revealing his boredom. Does he stand too straight and rigid, or glance toward the door too often, wishing he were somewhere else? Show us.

How could she just not notice who's in the room? Are they behind some kind of screen, or are there so many people/servants/whatever packed into the room that it takes her a moment to spot the group of people wearing *insert distinguishing clothing/robes/etc. here* all sitting together? Something like that seems more realistic than "She just didn't notice they were there."

"It was a children’s story, he was reading a book that contained over one hundred children’s stories in it." Can they see the book cover? How do they know how many stories are in the book? Did Max's father read her the same stories each night at bedtime, and they're familiar to her?

Everybody just assumes she's a servant, don't they? More specifically, they keep informing her "Oh, you must be a servant." If she's there, and they think she's a servant, they're not going to announce it. Maybe he could ask her who the head servant of her department or whatever is, instead?

There are a few typos here and there... Sometimes things are phrased a bit oddly.... Be sure to proofread.

Overall: This is a good start, and an interesting idea. The main issue I have with this is the emotion in this story. Or lack of it, actually. It seems a little stiff in places, and the characters don't react the way someone usually might in the situation. Like, the official doesn't get mad at them when he finds out they weren't supposed to be there. He just says "Oh, well, it chose you. You're free to go." And they don't show more than a moment or two of surprise when Helena chooses Max in the first place. Even if they do have to let her go, chances are they wouldn't be happy about it. Throughout that scene they should be shocked, angry, confused... They'd probably let her go, but they'd have to discuss the ramifications of what's just happened, and figure out what exactly they should do about it. Basically, elaborate more on how the characters are feeling... Try to imagine how you would act if you were in their shoes while this was going on. Something strange has just happened - something that's never ever happened before. It's amazing and incredible and maybe a bit scary. It's probably the most exciting thing that's ever happened to the official whose job is basically to read children's stories to inanimate objects. So show us what he's feeling.

I'd say definitely continue this if you want to. It could use a little polishing, but that's true of any rough draft. I find that beginnings can be especially rough. You'll get better as you dig deeper into the story. :)
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)




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I loved this story. I thought you had some very good ideas and points in this story. I'm sorry I'm not good at reviewing, but I don't see anything wrong with your story. I thought it was exellcent you are a amamzing writer, and don't let anybody tell you that your not, because you are. Keep on writing.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the box. I might not be the prettiest, shiniest or favorite. I might not be anything to anyone, but yet I'm still in the box.

There's nothing wrong with you. There's a lot wrong with the world you live in. - Chris Colfer

I love you all, and thank you for reading my posts




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Hey there, I'm Maddy, and I'll be reviewing your piece today. :D

Nitpicks:

Standing in the center of the room, stood a man with a white beard and a purple hat. He was of average height, and seemed like he loathed his job. With a look of boredom directed at his peers, he began to speak. “As you all know, I must repeat the Script of Truth at every Test.”


She heard the old man tsk, as if it was a shame. She couldn’t blame him, who would want a person’s personality to be shaped around hostility.


Max, smiled and yelled, “Thanks for the advice!” She then turned to Helena and spoke gently, “Um, so my name is Maxine but call me Max, okay.”


“No. Don’t call me mum, call me Max. It’s just strange. Now come on, I have to bring you home.”
Unsure, Max held out her hand to the girl. Without hesitating, the much shorter girl grabbed her hand with the urgency of one who needs attention . Together, they walked to Max’s home, and the entire time, Max thought of how she was going to explain it to her da’.


Points to consider:

-You're a little bit shaky with commas. Try reading your piece outloud, and if it feels rushed, put a comma in. ;)

-This piece moves WAY too fast. I'd like to see some characteristics of your characters into play. Does Ian itch when he's nervous? Does Max yawn and stretch when the Test is starting to bore her? Where are their descriptions, and what does the castle really look like? It is cold, comforting, humid, ancient, worn, state of the art? It is summer, or winter? Putting these into descriptions in your piece will make it more pleasing to read.

Apart from that, this piece has a lot of potential. The story is intruging me. How will Max cope with Helena? I really suggest you continue with this, because I love it's uniqueness. :D

-Maddy
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
-"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."

This awesome post bought to you by me. :)




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I really liked it! Apart from what everyone else has said this part in particuar just bothered me

"The same guard answered, 'Yes, both of you must be servants, so why are you entering through the front door? You should know you have to take the side entrance.'"


That just stood out as being really forced. Generally are pretty brutish, why would he assume that they're servants?
Math really needs to buy a calculator and solve it's own problems don't you agree?



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