Sparsile

It was so nightmarish - Sparsile -
that I couldn't see my hands in sight.
I wished upon the starless night that I
could sprinkle magic upon your soul -
but I couldn't - the stars were gone.

And you, my love, were sick with
death - and to add to it - it was
a Frosted night - our window
panes coldened by ice.

The glass never was the same
after that - it was cracked
and cold - sharp and sold to
the highest bitter storm.

I wished upon the starless night
that I could sprinkle magic upon
your soul - but it was useless -
I was so cold - shivering as
you quivered in my arms.

That in itself was all the magic
we needed - you needed - and
I let my soul join yours as we
fell in love for the last time -
Our journeys had ended - but
we left with the stars, and
that's all that mattered.

I liked it a lot. You do have a talent.

I really didn't see anything that needed to be corrected, so that was good.

I liked the words you chose and how you wrote them to form an amazing piece!

I really loved this part:

Jon wrote:That in itself was all the magic
we needed - you needed - and
I let my soul join yours as we
fell in love for the last time -
Our journies had ended - but
we left with the stars, and
that's all that mattered.

It was very entertaining and very, it was just great, okay. You made me pisture everything you have written, and I absolutely love that when a writer can do that to me. Its my favorite part about reading stories!

Keep writing!

Hi Jon!:)

It's a really good poem. There's a simplicity and charm to your imagery but it's coupled with a heavy emotion. The quote below almost sounds as if a child would say it. There's childlike hopefulness to it. But then there's always that underlying tension of a heavier emotion.

I wished upon the starless night that I
could sprinkle magic upon your soul -
but I couldn't - the stars were gone.

I'm not sure in what context you use 'Sparsile'. But I kind of wish you used more of the imagery connected to the meaning of the word. At least I think it means that it's a star that isn't part of a constellation or something like that. It just would have made the use of the word in the beginning of the poem more effective.

But you did use a lot of er... stellar imagery.XD There's a really good rhythm to your poem. And I do love how you stuck to metaphors easily seen all around us and made it work well in poetry.

Smile,
Knightly

You know I'm not sure what I think of this part of me is impressed the other part is annoyed at certain things small as they are. I suppose I should explain what I like about it, it's original in the sense that you manage to convey a relationship or a budding one in such a way as to impress the imagery part of my mind. It truly is gorgeous piece, but after you read it once it doesn't stick, and that's truly the power of good poems. And even though this is all sweet and my inner romantic loves how gorgeous you capture such a simple thing, there are small things that stood out.

I shall explain the name drop in title annoys me, it's not witty nor is it smart, it seems like you thought of name solely on the big word, and that doesn't fly with me, it annoys me enough to shut up my inner romantic, it seems minor but the whole title is dropped second line in the poem. No amount of good imagery and stunning beauty will change that.

Overall, I liked this but I can't ignore this thing it gets on my nerves, I hate it when movies do it, and in movies it's freaking lazy, in poems no doubt the same. In some ways it works like Not Waving, But Drowning, you immediately know of image you're about to witness and right away you know this one isn't going to be cheery. Here it does nothing, it just seemed like you thought' Alright, I'll drop this here.' Perhaps there some deep story to the title, but to my eyes it appears you chose it solely because it sounds nice.

Hope this helps.

It was so nightmarish - Sparsile -

I agree with Last about the title drop. While I do like the play on the meanings of the word, and having it in the line contributes a lot to the flow, I think "sparsile" works best as a title only.

that I couldn't see my hands in sight.

On the one hand, flow and meaning. On the other hand, see/sight redundancy. If you can, I suggest working out the redundancy.

[...] our window
panes coldened by ice.

On the one hand, I love how this sounds and the subtle difference in meaning between "coldened by" and "cold with". On the other hand, it was a bump in the flow. Changing it to "cold with ice" is my suggestion.

The glass never was the same
after that - it was cracked
and cold - sharp and sold to
the highest bitter storm.

I adored this stanza, especially the storm/bidder parallel/pun and the alliterations. My only suggestion would be to invert the "never was" to "was never"; it reads more smoothly that way, I think.

The repetition in the fourth stanza was excellent. I actually didn't notice it my first read-through. Well done. :D

Our journeys had ended - but

The spelling error completely threw me out of the poem.

Overall, the imagery in this was lovely. Unfortunately, there were a lot of little things here and there that kept me from enjoying this poem fully. Also, as Last pointed out as well, this poem doesn't strike me as particularly memorable. It's pretty, it's tragic, but it's also quite transparent in meaning, and there's nothing that particularly sticks in my mind aside from the vague sense of prettiness.

All-in-all, it's not a bad poem, but it's as memorable as a passing flight of fancy -- enjoyable enough when experienced, but easily forgotten.

O_O I totally did not catch that spelling error. >.<

I agree with what you guys had to say, somewhat, and I'll try to revise it a wee' bit. Maybe I'll add in an extra stanza? Hm.

Thanks, everyone!


-Jon