Pretzel

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Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love.
Jane Austen


Margo started laughing during lunch break when I told her about my blind date with the singing drunk.
“What he can’t take a little liquor?” Margo said laughing

“He’s officially listed”

“Was he that bad?”

There is this little red book I keep listing all the dates from hell. To name a few:

Marshall: The Republican
New Birth: The Hippie
Chris: The Complete Maniac- RESTRAING ORDER

These were big ones on “the list”. I had to move once because of blind dates. My blind date suck.
Today after work is my bi-weekly hair appointment. I was a bit early so I stopped at a small Whole Foods and picked up some Terra Chips and Honest T. I notice a familiar face when I get to the register. Then I realize that it is another one of my college buddies, Alicia. When I last saw her she was on her way to design school. I remember when we crashed many fancy parties. Good times.

“Is it you… Laurentia?” Alicia said

“Yeah it is. How are you Alicia?

“Great! I have not talked to in a while. How are you doing?”

“Same old, same old”, I said plainly

“Meaning, no date,” she said smirking

“No date and its very great. How is the design thing going?”

“I got my big break. I design for Senator Livingston’s wife,” she said

“Nice,” I said

“Where are you headed to?”

“To the hair salon down the street. AltrEgo Salon, to be exact,” I said

“I have a friend over there right now. Why don’t you meet her?”

“Okay, lets go” I said

We paid for our stuff then we walked down the street. We picked up from where we left off. Talking about many topics that crossed our minds. Like our jobs, she told me this story about Mrs. Livingston’s friends and how they get ready for an event (stuffing their bras with designer tissue and having their maids spray tan them all over). When we get to the hair salon the conversation conveniently changes to the Hot Representative. When Jenna, my stylist, is ready I walk over and get my hair pressed and curled. I don’t like perming my hair; I don’t think it is healthy for my hair and I think it hard to take care of. I take out the USA Today from yesterday morning with the Mr. New Rep.’s picture on the front cover. I study his picture, pretending to be reading an article. The more I look at him the more familiar he becomes. I’ve might have seen him back home in Providence. Where? I have to really think about this. I tell Jenna that I have to go to France again. She is a hair school graduate that is wise beyond her years. She knows exactly what I need hair wise and life wise. But today I think she is trippin’. She think I can’t do anything for myself because I’m worried about anyone else. I don’t think I do that. She ends with my hair in curly curls. It’s so cute. When I go to see Alicia, everyone in the shop come up to me and says something like, “Girl, you are so pretty”. I just smile and walk to the front and pay Jenna. I meet up with Alicia. She seems to be talking to a friend this must be her. She is tan with black hair and dyed highlights. I can tell that you are a prima dona who is over obsessed with her looks.

“I’m Melody Watson,” she said tugging my hand

“I’m Laurentia Lafayette” I said

We didn’t hit it off right away, but see seemed okay. Any friend of Alicia is a friend of mine. I guess. Alicia is happy and that’s what matters. I don’t want to think, I’ll just sip my fruit drink.

Today I have lunch with Chrisette at the bistro. We met in front of the place. I’m going to have a word with her.

“Laurentia, I’m sorry. I didn’t know, my friend introduced him and….”

“You are crazy,” I said, “You are my crazy person”

“And you are my cynical goat,” she said hugging me

“No more dates,” I said firmly

“C’mon that’s harsh. I love hooking you up.”

“Please, don’t,”

“Okay”

We were finally escorted to the table right with the view next to river. I looked at the menu and wondered if I should have the grilled chicken or the garlic spaghetti. I asked Chrisette and she said have the grilled chicken. So I decided to have the grilled chicken when the server came out. Then I looked out the window looking at how the Potomac sparkles as it flows.

“Laurentia, thinking about something?”

“No. Just looking at the river,”

“Okay sudden interest in rivers now,” Chrisette said

“It just the same sappy old river,”

“That what’s you think. I think a river symbolizes like where life leads you, like a path drawn out for you or something. I don’t know,” I dreamily said

“That’s deep,” she said

“Thank you”

“What are you doing after this?”

“Ummm…. Packing for France,”

“Oh. Your grandmother again”

“Yeah they sent me this message telling me to come. I have no idea,” I said confused

“Um… sounds important,” she says sadly

“I hope its not,” I said about to cry

After we went to my house and we packed my bags while watching American Experience. Once we were done packing we popped in The Queen. I fell asleep on it. Chrisette was out cold with me. I can’t choose between the pink or the blue cashmere sweater to wear to the airport.
Last edited by aestar101 on Wed Aug 27, 2008 6:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. - Evan Esar
Like my opinions a lot? Let me critique you. topic29146.html




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1086
Reviews 134
Anyone?
Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. - Evan Esar
Like my opinions a lot? Let me critique you. topic29146.html




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1090
Reviews 62
I haven't read chapter one of this story, so I might be wrong about some of the stuff I comment on.

The main thing I noticed was the swapping of tense. You start the story off in past, then switch to future. Also through the dialogue is switches back to past tense again. For example:

Alicia said


This should be "Alicia says".

Also your missing out some commas here and there so you need to go back and double check some of them.

Other than that it's just nitpicks really.

Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love.


This should be in quotation marks as it is a quote by Jane Austen.

I don’t like perming my hair; I don’t think it is healthy for my hair and I think it hard to take care of


Repitition of Hair and I.

She think I can’t do anything for myself because I’m worried about anyone else.


This sentence doesn't really make much sense.

She seems to be talking to a friend this must be her.


Personally, I'd split this up into two sentences like this: "she seems to be talking to a friend. This must be her". Not only does this add variety to your paragraph, but it also adds a dramatic effect.

We met in front of the place.


Elaborate on this - where's the place? What place?

I looked at the menu and wondered if I should have the grilled chicken or the garlic spaghetti. I asked Chrisette and she said have the grilled chicken. So I decided to have the grilled chicken when the server came out.


Repetition of grilled chicken. Also server is a waiter.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1086
Reviews 134
Coming Soon: Preztel- Chapter Two (revised)
Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. - Evan Esar
Like my opinions a lot? Let me critique you. topic29146.html




User avatar
Gender Female
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You had a change in tense early on in the story that interrupted the flow, and needs to be changed, the rest of the story was good however. I loved the concept of the list of dates from hell!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1924
Reviews 366
hi! Pointe2drama here to give you a review :)




Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love.

Jane Austen


Jane austin? I am already a fan :)-

Margo started laughing during lunch break when I told her about my blind date with the singing drunk.
good start
“What he can’t take a little liquor?” Margo said laughing



“He’s officially listed”



“Was he that bad?”



There is this little red book I keep listing all the dates from hell. To name a few:



Marshall: The Republican

New Birth: The Hippie

Chris: The Complete Maniac- RESTRAING ORDER



These were big ones on “the list”. I had to move once because of blind dates. My blind dates suck.

Today after work is my bi-weekly hair appointment. I was a bit early so I stopped at a small Whole Foods and picked up some Terra Chips and Honest T. I notice a familiar face when I get to the register. Then I realize that it is another one of my college buddies, Alicia. When I last saw her she was on her way to design school. I remember when we crashed many fancy parties. Good times.



“Is it you… Laurentia?” Alicia said



“Yeah it is. How are you Alicia?



“Great! I have not talked to you in a while. How are you doing?”



“Same old, same old”, I said plainly



“Meaning, no dates,” she said smirking



No date and its very great. How is the design thing going?”
ok, the first time when you were like:
same old same old
it was awesome.. but now its just boring


“I got my big break. I design for the Senator wife,” she said



“Nice,” I said



“Where are you headed to?”



“To the hair salon down the street. AltrEgo Salon, to be exact,” I said



“I have a friend over there right now. Why don’t you meet her?”



“Okay, lets go” I said



We paid for our stuff then we walked down the street. We picked up from where we left off. Talking about many topics that crossed our minds. Like our jobs, she told me this story about Mrs. Livingston’s friends and how they get ready for an event (like stuffing their bras with designer tissue and having their maids spray tan them all over). When we get to the hair salon the conversation conveniently changes to the Hot Representative. When Jenna, my stylist, is ready I walk over and get my hair pressed and curled. I don’t like perming my hair; I don’t think it is healthy for my hair and I think it hard to take care of.
then why????? is this just a fact or shes mad because Jenna is perming her hair?

I take out the USA Today from yesterday morning with the Mr. New Rep.’s picture on the front cover. I study his picture, pretending to be reading an article. The more I look at him the more familiar he becomes. I’ve might have seen him back home in Providence. Where? I have to really think about this. I tell Jenna that I have to go to France again. She is a hair school graduate that is wise beyond her years. She knows exactly what I need hair wise and life wise. But today I think she is trippin’. She think I can’t do anything for myself because I’m worried about anyone else. I don’t think I do that. She ends with my hair in curly curls
NO! we are not going to repeat the same word twice! how about corkscrew-curls or something?


. It’s so cute. When I go to see Alicia, everyone in the shop come up to me and says something like, “Girl, you are so pretty”. I just smile and walk to the front and pay Jenna. I meet up with Alicia. She seems to be talking to a friend this must be her. She is tan with black hair and dyed highlights. I can tell that you are a prima dona who is over obsessed with her looks.



“I’m Melody Watson,” she said tugging my hand



“I’m Laurentia Lafayette” I said



We didn’t hit it off right away, but see seemed okay. Any friend of Alicia is a friend of mine. I guess. Alicia is happy and that’s what matters. I don’t want to think, I’ll just sip my fruit drink.



Today I have lunch with Chrisette at the bistro. We met in front of the place. I’m going to have a word with her.
well that came out of nowhere! do a lille -- or ~ or * to separate the time line


“Laurentia, I’m sorry. I didn’t know, my friend introduced him and….”



“You'reare crazy,” I said, “You are my crazy person”



“And you are my cynical goat,” she said hugging me



“No more dates,” I said firmly



“C’mon that’s harsh. I love hooking you up.”



“Please, don’t,”



“Okay”



We were finally escorted to the table right with the view next to river. I looked at the menu and wondered if I should have the grilled chicken or the garlic spaghetti. I asked Chrisette and she said have the grilled chicken. So I decided to have the grilled chicken when the server came out. Then I looked out the window looking at how the Potomac sparkles as it flows.

just redo this wwwwwwwwwwhoooooleee thing

“Laurentia, thinking about something?”



“No. Just looking at the river,”



“Okay sudden interest in rivers now,” Chrisette said



“It just the same sappy old river,”



“That what’s you think. I think a river symbolizes like where life leads you, like a path drawn out for you or something. I don’t know,” I dreamily said
awesome


“That’s deep,” she said



“Thank you”



“What are you doing after this?”



“Ummm…. Packing for France,”



“Oh. Your grandmother again”



“Yeah they sent me this message telling me to come. I have no idea,” I said confused



“Um… sounds important,” she says sadly



“I hope its not,” I said about to cry



After we went to my house and we packed my bags while watching American Experience. Once we were done packing we popped in The Queen. I fell asleep on it. Chrisette was out cold with me. I can’t choose between the pink or the blue cashmere sweater to wear to the airport.

is this a note? because if so it needs to separated and in a different color. if not WHERE THE HECK DID IT COME FROM?


Overall: you missed alot of words/letters and I hope I fixed them all... It's really random and choppy.. really! I give you a :) for good effort (see my will review list for more) thanks!
p.s. it's not really that romantic and where did the title come from?
~pointe
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame



Sometimes my life just sounds like surrealistic fiction being sold on clearance at the book store.
— J. G. Hammersmith