111 Times

Each annoying, shrill little beat
of that monitor
you weren’t supposed to be on,
reminded me that you were alive-
and it was a symphony
a steady techno bass
a melody of health and life,
and sweet perseverance.

It was a song of the heart.

The bleakness in that
otherwise stark white hospital jail
interrupted
111 times
a minute by the green line reminder
that you were going to be okay.
Even if your eyes
had yet to open,
I was still going to hold your hand
and smile
111 times
a minute.

Can't decide on the title. Any thoughts?

Thanks for reading. c:

I really loved this poetry. I wasn't to sad like they can sometimes normally be. I don't have any title ideas, but I'm sure you'll come up with something super. I enjoyed the fact you repeated "111 times" it just sorta made me smile for some odd reason. Good description of that "life monitor thingy mibobber or whatever its called" Loved it...Keep writing

p.s. Watch the name of that machine be so easily remebered in like 5 minutes.ha ha

It was a nice poem. I personally think it should be called 111 Times as it is in the poem twice:

Persephoneia wrote:bleakness interrupted
111 times

and

Persephoneia wrote:and smile
111 times
a minute.

Where as song of the heart was mentioned only once:

Persephoneia wrote:It was a song of the heart.

But that was just my personal opinion

I'm back to haunt you, Persy, and you get even more praise from me this time!

Now, I don't need to gush over how much I liked it; that should be obvious by the fact that I 'like'd it on YWS. I just wish I would've seen this sooner so that I could have gushed about it to others. BUT...to get to work.

My first point: Go with 111 Times. Now, to my being a punctuation stickler.

Each annoying, shrill little beat
of that monitor
you weren’t supposed to be on,
reminded me that you were alive;
and it was a symphony,
a steady techno bass,
a melody of health and life,
and sweet perseverance.

It was a song of the heart.

The color in that
otherwise stark white hospital jail
bleakness interrupted
111 times See my note below.
a minute by the green line reminder
that you were going to be okay.
Even if your eyes
had yet to open,
I was still going to hold your hand
and smile
111 times
a minute.

So obviously, the punctuation and one or two grammar blips need to change as noted, but that's no big deal, really. Now, about the note I made above, let's talk about that phrase.

The color in that
otherwise stark white hospital jail
bleakness interrupted
111 times

This is phrased very awkwardly, and I think the best way to fix this is to take out 'color' and replace it with 'bleakness'. You'd of course take out bleakness the second time, though, so you'd end up with:

The bleakness in that
otherwise stark white hospital jail
interrupted
111 times

That's just a suggestion, of course. If you disagree, then that's fine. But that's all I have.

I really liked it; I really did. Keep writing and keep me posted!

-Lumi

This is a truly beautiful piece of writing, the repetition of 111 times is what made it for me. In a way it is sad and happy which is very hard to convey in writing, it made me smile but I felt slightly awkward too. Carry on with this beatiful poetry!