An Ode to...

I can't decide whether I should scrap this or not. Thoughts?

Ode to Freckles:
I want to kiss each individual
little spot on your smiling face,
and would,
if you’d sit still long enough.
A kiss with my eyes will have to do.

An Ode to Teeth:
Your teeth make me happy
cause I know that you’re smiling
everytime I see them,
and I smile too.

An Ode to Hands:
You are by far the best
handholder I’ve ever encountered.
If I had a trophy for it,
I’d give it to you.

An Ode to Shoulders:
Your shoulders are bumpy
and achy when you pick me up, laughing,
but it’s the silliest feeling in the world,
feeling like a little girl again,
and I can’t help but laugh too.

An Ode to Feet:
You have the most ticklish feet-
it’s hilarious to see a grown man
giggle so much.

An Ode to Mornings:
There is nothing quite like
waking up next to a snoring bear,
hogging all the sheets
and making the world a better place.




So, again, I know this needs a lot of work. This almost seems more like an idea that can really be fixed up. Is it smooth enough? I'm kind of thinking of just scrapping this altogether, but I'm not sure if any of it is worth salvaging. Thoughts?


Thanks for reading!

Hello my dear!

I would not scrap it, but as you say it does need changed.

My problem with the piece is the way you have started each stanza. It really flows of the rhythem of the piece and makes it disjointed so I would get rid of the whole ode concept and just have it as a poem as you have some beautiful description in there. Also, you have a lot of imagery but you need the emotion to back it up as it is falling there in my opinion.

If you would like a more detailed review just let me know and I will see what I can do

~Retro Disco666

Ode to Freckles:
I want to kiss each individual
little spot on your smiling face,
and would, Awkward, random short line? :/
if you’d sit still long enough.
A kiss with my eyes will have to do. Too much sugar for a 3rd party viewer

An Ode to Teeth:
Your teeth make me happy
cause I know that you’re smiling
everytime I see them, every time. Instead of 'i seem them' you should add something more poetic and creative like 'everytime they flash hello' or something or the sorts
and I smile too.

An Ode to Hands:
You are by far the best
hand-holder I’ve ever encountered.
If I had a trophy for it,
I’d give it to you. I feel like you could have a better description of this. It falls flat.

An Ode to Shoulders:
Your shoulders are bumpy
and achy when you pick me up, laughing,
but it’s the silliest feeling in the world,
feeling like a little girl again,
andI can’t help but laugh too.

An Ode to Feet:
You have the most ticklish feet-
it’s hilarious to see a grown man
giggle so much. I like this stanza

An Ode to Mornings:
There is nothing quite like waking up
next to a snoring bear,
hogging all the sheets cute
and making the world a better place. I don't like how disjointed this feels with the above line, and the 'and' at the beginning

No need for scarping, it's quite a good idea.