When His Eyes Came To

I thought I might try some Flash Fiction:

The boy lies asleep upon his twin sized mattress within the comfort of his Peter Pan styled comforter; one hand dangling off the side and the other stuffed under his pillow. Not a second after he reached the chasm of his dreams, an annoying sound repeatedly rang throughout his room. Within his dream, the boy grew weary of an approaching noise that grew louder and louder, forcing him into the chasm’s doorway. He had entered the dreamscape.

In reality, the radio that sat nearest his bed on top of the window seal was the root of annoyance. The alarm had reached an audible tone, careful not to abruptly awake the boy from his slumber.

Still, the boy slept way past his time.

There was a stir under the sheets – concealing what would first be up to take on the new day. Early in the night, the family dog had curled up next to the boy in hopes of gaining a bit of coziness. Now, however, the coziness had run its course and the only thing left amidst the dog’s mind was ‘the bone.’ He sprawled off the covers and leaped off the bed and onto the half-chewed bone that added to the litter covering the boy’s floor.

As the dog landed, the carpet that snuggly rested under the box-springs became loose, revealing a flap oddly stuffed out of sight. The boy became a tad unsettled and switched positions, still venturing the chasm at hand.

The dog wrestled with his bone and tossed it into the air over and over. After a few minutes of rustling, the animal finally settled down to catch his breath. While he did so, the flap grew more and more noticeable due to the fan – off centered to the rest of the room – that had been turned on high. A growl attempted to threaten the flap as it sat uneasy with the dog. Soon, the growl developed into a bark that eventually awoke the sleeping boy.

“Whitey! How many times do I have to ask for some sleep? You always wake me up whether or not you’re here in my room or elsewhere. Why is that boy?” The boy questioned as he scratched his forehead.

He pulled the covers off of his pajamas and clumsily slipped off his bed. The minute the boy’s foot stepped near the flap; the floor caved in. It swallowed everything including his bed and dresser. The boy spiraled into his own darkness, screaming as he did so.

For an instant, he blinked. When his eyes came to, he awoke right in time to take his already postponed math test.

Nice story. The sentences felt choppy and disjointed though. They didn't flow, which made it difficult to pay attention to and understand this piece. I don't really know what significance the dog played either, I felt like he was the main character, rather than the boy.

Also when you wrote; "The alarm had reached an audible tone, careful not to abruptly awake the boy from his slumber" it gives the feeling that the radio is a living being, aware of its actions. Was that intended?

I like the initial idea you have here though, and you do write quite nicely. I know this is only a short review but I hope it helped

Thank you for the review! And yes, every little bit helps!

Hi! Kyle here. I just wanted you to know before I start reviewing that I have a book under action/adventure if you would please read it.

Now to the reviewing. I liked the personification with the radio. It adds a nice spin to the story. Next, I think in the first couple of paragraphs there could have been more adjectives. Third, I don't have a third

I hope this helped.

Hello!

Odd title. Odd, but certainly eye-catching (it's what brought me here originally).

Oh, flash fiction is so horribly hard. Fitting everything into a minimal amount of words – I can never do it. So you’re my role-model of the moment =) Nicely done.

I’ll start out with the ending and say that it was wrapped up well (contrast between spiraling darkness and ordinary math test).

One thing I’d change – simplify some of the sentences. At times some seem to be colored purple. “still venturing the chasm at hand”, for example. The words, they’re so big – they make everything melodramatic instead of dramatic, which is what you’re aiming for.

Your resolution is the very thing I liked most. I think that best should be saved for the ending! As it is, we know what’s happening. Everything is as clear as day [surreal, real]. Storyteller, lie. Use illusion (or more, since you did via surreal). And end it off with an even bigger bang.

Soon, the growl developed into a bark that eventually awoke the sleeping boy. – we know that events happen one after another; no need for so many “soon; eventually” words to signify that. But this also builds tension! One thing happens, then another, resolution.

Also, maybe add more body language? Apart from the happenings; sweat, hot sheets, maybe he’s cold; etc.

Fun,
Esme

This was really interesting. I liked the whole dream inside of a dream kinda feeling. I very much enjoyed it. The only things I saw were some choppy sentences, that's all really. Your a good writer hope you continue.