A whisper of Love

What is life without you?
It's a heart with no beat,
It's a body without a soul,
It's a lonely tear soaring to a grey sky.

I love you,
Like trees love to get nude every fall.
I love you,
Like the sun loves to drown in the ocean everyday.

I need you,
Like lillies need to die in the end of every spring,
To bloom again…
I need you,
Like stars need to fade in the end of every night,
To bedazzle again.

I miss you,
Like waves miss the shore unceasingly and run back to it.
I miss you,
Like a child misses the warmth of its mother’s clasp.

Hey there, Foxy.

I won't dig into this as ruthlessly as I normally do because a.) I'm tired and b.) I'm confident in your own editing capabilities that you can fill in the blanks of what I tell you with your own wonderful ideas. Now, off the bat, you open up the poem with a specific comparison that is two things: 1.) it is solid and 2.) it is cliche. Now, the reason that it is cliche is because it is solid. From reading your work, I know that you can create these unique and beautiful comparisons that have thrilled me in the past. I want you to do it now as well.

In the second stanza, you show me that unique foxy style that I love--and you can tell that it's you. It's when the poem begins to give you the harsh longing for a companion...and it leaves you thirsty for more beauty.

In the third stanza, you continue this beautiful comparison and play a punctuation game with me. And it was the point that made me like this poem. "Like lilies need to die in the end of every spring,To bloom again...I need you"

It's just wonderful.

In stanza four, you begin to speed up your pace and make it feel panicked, which is perfect because you're talking about missing him. I love the first two lines of stanza four particularly.

However, in the final stanza, you lose that seemingly breathlessness and calm back down in a promise to love. If that's intentional, then it works...but I'd much rather be left breathless.

I like it, foxy. Do some checking on your punctuation/capitalization and take the tips I've given you...and make a masterpiece.

-Lumi

foxy wrote:What is life without you?
What is life without us?
It’s like night without darkness,
It’s like day without light.

I have to agree with Lumi about the fist stanza. I didn't really like the way you opened this up. It's too, as Lumi said, it's solid enough to be quite a cliché line.

foxy wrote:I love you,
Like trees love to get nude every fall.
I love you,
Like the sun loves to drown in the ocean everyday.

Heh, I liked this stanza much, much more than the first one. The imagery was unique, and I find myself wishing I had been the one to think up the last line. But I wasn't, so I'll get over myself. The first line, it's unique. I seriously don't think I've ever heard that used before. xD

foxy wrote:I need you,
Like lillies need to die in the end of every spring,
To bloom again…
I need you,
Like stars need to fade in the end of every night,
To bedazzle again

I liked this stanza, too. More interesting, unique imagery sits here. My favourite had to be the first comparison, though. I'm a fan of the whole death/life thing, so you nabbed me there. xD I didn't know 'bedazzle' could ever be used in such a poetic way, which is probably not that smart of me. (It probably has something to do with my friends and I making fun of the word whenever we got high on sugar. xD) But, apparently, it can be used poeticly. *tips hat*

foxy wrote:I miss you,
Like waves miss the shore unceasingly and run back to it.
I miss you,
Like a child misses the warmth of its mother’s clasp.

Again. This stanza was awesome. The imagery was so unique, I can't help but smile about it. Again, the first comparison was my favourite line. You're really making me wish I had come up with some of this stuff. xD But, as I said before, I didn't, so I'll get over it. ;)

And then, I have to again agree with Lumi about the last stanza. It was such a dropping point, which isn't necessarly a bad thing if you were aiming for that. I don't know though, I was hoping for something even better, more powerful to match the rest of the poem.

So, nice job here foxy!

Lumi wrote:Hey there, Foxy.

I won't dig into this as ruthlessly as I normally do because a.) I'm tired and b.) I'm confident in your own editing capabilities that you can fill in the blanks of what I tell you with your own wonderful ideas. Now, off the bat, you open up the poem with a specific comparison that is two things: 1.) it is solid and 2.) it is cliche. Now, the reason that it is cliche is because it is solid. From reading your work, I know that you can create these unique and beautiful comparisons that have thrilled me in the past. I want you to do it now as well.

In the second stanza, you show me that unique foxy style that I love--and you can tell that it's you. It's when the poem begins to give you the harsh longing for a companion...and it leaves you thirsty for more beauty.

In the third stanza, you continue this beautiful comparison and play a punctuation game with me. And it was the point that made me like this poem. "Like lilies need to die in the end of every spring,To bloom again...I need you"

It's just wonderful.

In stanza four, you begin to speed up your pace and make it feel panicked, which is perfect because you're talking about missing him. I love the first two lines of stanza four particularly.

However, in the final stanza, you lose that seemingly breathlessness and calm back down in a promise to love. If that's intentional, then it works...but I'd much rather be left breathless.

I like it, foxy. Do some checking on your punctuation/capitalization and take the tips I've given you...and make a masterpiece.

-Lumi

Lumi... why do you have to leave me teared up every timeyou leave a review. You have the sweetest most touching words anyone can ever say!! I just LOVE you! lol xD you're awesome lumiz. Thanks alot, I'll try to make it more...breath taking.

Aww Isha, that was an amazing review. You gave me a boost of confidence there!

I have to say this was nice to read. And I was surprised because of the title. Why is there no title? I think it needs a title. It's a pretty good piece of poetry