The Twin

3 posts
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Gender Male
Points 300
Reviews 0
15.01.2010

This boy behind a mirror looks like you. He has the same type and size of leg. He loudly breathes out air and he likes to go for a walk in the rain. Yesterday in TV-show he won a smile. Now a day after day he sews the buttons to the overcoat. He is surprised how it is possible to be such blind. I write down his yet child's ideas in a tiny notebook. I outline an important dates by the pencil and I forget to wake up more early.
Do you know how hard to slide when you are full of pain and every filament is crying? The heart is strained on the leash, scratches into the door and whines to urinate. You my little boy are busy at work, but I want that a film in my head had been seen. I despair. You take no notice. In these windows there always are people. I'm looking on their beauty, while you vomit in a rest room. And I wipe your tender lips. My lips a long ago became weather-beaten. People are tormented by hunger. They are zombies and suffer from indigestion. They have needed for themselves too much attention, they would not have it. A boy laughs and turns the pointers of clock. I am sad, that a headlights like moths already on a roadway and they return into the flats. Morning with the second number is always crying.
Tomorrow comes foolishly, your smile is stolen, and lazy fingers are on a table. I look at a photo. OUT OF BUSINESS. Your good mood is empty. The winter is empty of love and I melt cigarettes in the puddles of steel coffee. I press RETURN, and you on a record. You so serious and young. But I sleep in motion and I do not notice thousand stars on sky. And you still live in my head, you play in black and white and come to me by a Fridays.




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Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 12
Hi! Nagrom here! Welcome to YWS, I'll be your reviewer for today!

NitPicks

Yesterday in TV-show he won a smile.


In should be on, and you don't need a dash between TV and show:

Yesterday on a TV show he won a smile.


Now a day after day he sews the buttons to the overcoat


This should be: Now day after day he sews the buttons to the overcoat.

He is surprised how it is possible to be such blind.


Such should be so:
He is surprised how it is possible to be so blind.


I write down his yet child's ideas in a tiny notebook.

First sentence should be:
I write down this child's ideas in a tiny notebook.
or
I write down his childish ideas in a tiny notebook.
or something along those lines.

I outline an important dates by the pencil and I forget to wake up more early.


You don't need the "an" in this sentence. You also don't need the "the" before pencil. "More early" should be earlier.


Other than a few grammatical errors, this is very good!
"I take a long time in the bathroom. It's what girls do. Excuse me for my gender." - Me to my brother




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 4343
Reviews 51
Ok, so this sounds like you've written it in a different language and translated it into english with some kind of program.
I think a lot has been lost in translation if this is the case. As the person above me has pointed out, there are extra words in your sentences that make them sound strange, and generally a lot of the imagery seems irrelevant.

For example:
He has the same type and size of leg.

He has the same type of leg? So he doesn't have an elephant leg or a chair leg. And why leg? It's too specific. He has the same type of leg but everything else is different? It sounds like you're saying he has a human leg but the rest of him is made out of cheese or something.

Every single one of your sentences are as confusing as this, so i'm not going to go through all of them. All i can suggest is properly translating your work, if this was written in a different language and translated, or if not, taking some basic english lessons because it sounds like nonsense.



“I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables