Saturday Mornings *Edited*

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The cold
woke my lukewarm body,
set my heart pounding
and my organs quivering;
surely by now,
my veins were ribbons of frost.
My heart had yearned
for this, and now
it shivered with a smile,
ready to feel alive again.

I couldn’t help
but want to fly up into the air
with the puffs of steamy breath
spread by my sighs-
they rose and dissipated,
warmth turning tail
and retreating in the midst
of everything cold.


Everything seemed so silent,
a Saturday morning when all else
still slept,
except for that green-bellied bird
over on that dry and barren branch,
a little rebel, breaking the ice-air
with it’s chirruping song.

I looked up at the sky,
still waking like the rest of the world,
and smiled like a pillowside lover.
Maybe the clouds were just a blanket;
I’d never thought about whether the heavens
grew cold at night or not. It seemed like
warm summers were the only times it wasn’t covered.

It’d been a long time since everything was so clear;
when life wasn’t hustle-bustle-do-
this-and-that-as-soon-as-you-can.
It was beautiful.




So, I did a rewrite on this after it was pretty much destroyed in a review. I think I like this one better, though it's still kind of rough, and I'm not quite sure about some of the changes. Here's the old one if you feel like taking a peek.


Spoiler
The cold
woke my lukewarm body,
set my heart pounding
fighting to heat
the blood rushing to my skin;
the word goosebumps always
made me laugh.
I couldn’t help
but want to fly up into the sky
with the puffs of air;
breath in frosty air-
my sighs seemed to break the iced oxygen
almost like Halloween dry ice,
only instead of candy,
all I looked for was peace within.

Everything seemed so silent,
a Saturday morning when everything else
still slept,
except for that green-bellied bird
over on that dry and barren branch,
a little rebel, breaking the ice-air
with it’s sweet little song.
I looked up at the still white sky,
waking just like the rest of the
see-able world.
Maybe the clouds were just a blanket;
I’d never thought about whether the sky
got cold at night or not. It seemed like
warm summers were the only times it wasn’t covered.

It’d been a long time since everything was so clear;
when life wasn’t hustle-bustle-do-
this-and-that-as-soon-as-you-can.
I resolved to make this a
Saturday morning routine,
in which I would greet the bird before the sun.



Thanks for reading. :)




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Tiger here to review per request. Comments will be in bold.

Persephoneia wrote:The cold
woke my lukewarm body,
set my heart pounding
and my organs quivering; Maybe you should put the full stop here
surely by now,
my veins were ribbons of frost.
My heart had yearned
for this, and now
it shivered with a smile,
ready to feel alive again.

I couldn’t help
but want to fly up into the air
with the puffs of steamy breath
spread by my sighs-why is this dash here?
they rose and dissipated,
warmth turning tail
and retreating in the midst
of everything cold.


Everything seemed so silent,
a Saturday morning when all else
still slept,
except for that green-bellied bird
over on that dry and barren branch,
a little rebel, breaking the ice-cold air
with it’s chirruping song.

I looked up at the sky,
still waking like the rest of the world,
and smiled like a pillowside lover.
Maybe the clouds were just a blanket;
I’d never thought about whether the heavens
grew cold at night or not. It seemed like
warm summers were the only times it wasn’t covered.

It’d been a long time since everything was so clear;
when life wasn’t hustle-bustle-do-
this-and-that-as-soon-as-you-can.
It was beautiful.


All in all, this is great. I don't even think the original version was that bad (I really liked the ending sentence in that one), though this edited version does flow slightly better. I don't really have anything to nitpick apart from the above, so great job as usual and KEEP WRITING!

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Nathan Leopold



sometimes i'm like "I should say something quotable to make it into the quote gen" but then I feel bad because quote gen quotes are very spontaneous
— theromanticchemist