A Quarrel behind the Door.

Hey there,

I got a suggestion for you, why don't you make the font that you're using a bit bigger? It's kind of hard to read it.

Good luck,

Kiki.

No, I don't want. I like it.

Konnichhiwa Sofia!

Anyway, my poetry is awful and I'll just give my comments on the English as you'd asked.

And I don't care who is right,
'Cause I need both of them.
I've used to fall asleep at night Should be 'I used to fall asleep at night.'
And listen to their scrap. These two lines, when read imply that you fall asleep and listen to their scrap. How is that possible? I get the idea, but you'll need to rephrase it.
Snatches of serious adult words
Already can't disturb my dream. I'm not sure what you're trying to say in this line. Do you mean to say the adult words don't disturb your dream? But if you're dreaming, how do you hear snatches of adult words? I can help you better if I understand the meaning behind this line
I've used to fall asleep at night This line and the next, same comment as what I've repeated.
And listen to their scrap.
Once again I dreamed that I boldly go up in high. 'In' shouldn't be used.
It's so funny. If I fly, that means that I grow up. I'm not sure of the idea you're trying to tell us, but I do like this line
A city will let darkness from the curtains in my room. This sounds incomplete. The city is 'let' to do what? Or is it 'let' out?
And I'll leave my house, will go through the roof...

...through the apartment of neighbors, Do you want to fly 'through' others' homes? Or 'over' them? Because through just reminds me of a ghost.
Pass the antennas of our high-rise building.
It's not scary and not difficult.
All the houses at the bottom
Look like stacked cubes.
And I would probably seem out the size of a legume. I'm not sure what you're trying to tell us in this. If I had a idea of what it is, I can help you out.
In the streets are tiny, like a toy, cars. Since cars are plural, you should use 'like toys, cars'
It seems, you can take them with your finger pads
And drive wherever you want.
Just like in the sandbox. Good line!
My flight won't end until I wake up in the morning,
Becoming older by one night,
Until my mom and dad won't find out who is right.
They doesn't notice me behind the window, Should be 'They don't'
Barking at each other like a pair of homeless ats. Oopsie, Typo! I think you mean rats.
They argue in a raised voice,
Split something again and guess This line again confuses me. I don't understand you.
I peacefully sleep in bed.
But I'm not here. I'm there,
Where are the clouds and the stars. When you say 'where are the' it is a question. So, it should be 'where there are, or where there is..'
I'm not allowed walk so late. I'm not sure this line makes sense. She isn't allowed to walk late in her own 'place?'
It does not matter.
My thoughts are so afar.

And I don't care who is right,
'Cause I need both of them.
I've used to fall asleep at night
And listen to their scrap.
Snatches of serious adult words
Already can't disturb my dream.
I've used to fall asleep at night
And listen to their scrap.
Once again I dreamed that I boldly go up in high.
It's so funny. If I fly, that means that I grow up.
A city will let darkness from the curtains in my room.
And I'll leave my house, will go through the roof...

A dawn will break a dark pack of new day This line is phrased awkwardly. Dawn can break the dark, yes, but not the dark that belongs to a new day.(The usage of preposition is wrong.) And you can scrap the 'of new day' It will still make sense.
With the same edge as yesterday
By habitual nimble movement.
The figures will stamp to the bus stops, Do you mean stamp or stomp?
A strong coffee smell will pulls from mother's cezve.
This means enough flying,
I should go soon to kindergarten,
A bed's runway will wait me at home.
When I'll land, they will be not along.
And I'll become a little tool of a big revenge,
Which knows how to hurt against its will,
A soccer ball, flying over the field.
From player to player, from gate to gate.
Mom, Dad, I do not want these flights!

And I don't care who is right,
'Cause I need both of them.
I've used to fall asleep at night
And listen to their scrap.
Snatches of serious adult words
Already can't disturb my dream.
I've used to fall asleep at night
And listen to their scrap.
Once again I dreamed that I boldly go up in high.
It's so funny. If I fly, that means that I grow up.
A city will let darkness from the curtains in my room.
And I'll leave my house, will go through the roof...

...through the apartment of neighbors,
Pass the antennas of our high-rise building.

So, I like the idea behind this. Strong, emotional and childish fantasy. I can't comment on the poetry, structure and rhythm, so this is all I'm going to say. You should maybe post in the WRFF forums.
And this is a very good first attempt at English poetry.

Also, like Kiki said, it would help a reviewer if you made the font size larger. You don't want to scare away potential reviewers noe, do you?

I hope to have helped. If you have questions or would like to discuss this, feel free to PM me. I'd be happy to help.
Cheers,
~Lava

Lava wrote:1. These two lines, when read imply that you fall asleep and listen to their scrap. How is that possible? I get the idea, but you'll need to rephrase it.


2. 'm not sure what you're trying to say in this line. Do you mean to say the adult words don't disturb your dream? But if you're dreaming, how do you hear snatches of adult words? I can help you better if I understand the meaning behind this line


3. I'm not sure of the idea you're trying to tell us, but I do like this line


4. This sounds incomplete. The city is 'let' to do what? Or is it 'let' out?


5. Do you want to fly 'through' others' homes? Or 'over' them? Because through just reminds me of a ghost.


6. I'm not sure what you're trying to tell us in this. If I had a idea of what it is, I can help you out.


7. Oopsie, Typo! I think you mean rats.


8. This line again confuses me. I don't understand you.

9. This line is phrased awkwardly. Dawn can break the dark, yes, but not the dark that belongs to a new day.(The usage of preposition is wrong.) And you can scrap the 'of new day' It will still make sense.

10. Do you mean stamp or stomp?


Also, like Kiki said, it would help a reviewer if you made the font size larger. You don't want to scare away potential reviewers noe, do you?

1. I don't know how. I wanted to say: while they scrap, a child falls asleep. Their cries don't prevent a child from falling asleep.
2. The same. Their cries don't prevent a child from dreaming.
3. There is no idea : D
4. let in=inject=admit.
A city says, "Come in, darkness". xD
5. Yes. Through other's homes like a ghost.
6. He/she looks like a pea, very small.
7. Hmm, no. Ats=dogs, as says GoogleTranslator and my dictionary.
8. Oh, I don't know. Again. Something like divide. I find it difficult to understand the semantic differences.
9. A dawn will break a dark pack of new day, i.e. a new day is packaged in the dark packaging which would be broken by the dawn.
10. Stamp also can be understood as stomp, can't it?

Why don't you like this size?

This is an amazing, insightful poem. I am really impressed you wrote this even though English isn't your native language - I think that the reason I like the style so much is that it sounds like actual speach, rather than a lot of poetry which is forced into lines of the same length, rhymes which are fake. It is a real subject and deserves to be told in a real way, I love this. Also, it is not true about the size of the writing - these people need reading glasses.
I am really shocked by these lines, because they are just so true. This has happened to so many kids:

"And I'll become a little tool of a big revenge" and the rest of that verse. Perfect.

PaperCrane, thank you very much.

Spoiler

PaperCrane wrote:Also, it is not true about the size of the writing - these people need reading glasses.

Well, I finally found the like-minded person.

Never give up your style, even if you improve in future, keep an element of it because it's unique

Unique? Why?

I find it unique because it's not like you're trying to copy anyone else's style. The words are uncomplicated, and mainly unemotional, but the whole thing is descriptive and poetic despite that.

PaperCrane wrote:I find it unique because it's not like you're trying to copy anyone else's style.

It is so because I read not so much poetry in English. hah)
anyway, thank you again.

And I don't care who is right,
'Cause I need both of them.
I used to fall asleep at night
And listen to their scrap.
Snatches of serious adult words
Already can't disturb my dream.
I used to fall asleep at night
And listen to their scrap.
Once again I dreamed that I boldly go up in hight.(height)
It's so funny. If I fly, that means that I grow up.
A city will let darkness from the curtains in my room.
And I'll leave my house, will go through the roof...

...through the apartment of neighbors,
Pass (past?) the antennas of our high-rise building.
It's not scary and not difficult.
All the houses at the bottom
Look like stacked cubes.
And I would probably seem out the size of a legume.
In the streets are tiny, like atoys, cars.
It seems, you can take (push?)them with your finger pads
And drive wherever you want.
Just like in the sandbox.
My flight won't end until I wake up in the morning,
Becoming older by one night,
Until my mom and dad won't find out who is right.
They don't notice me behind the window,
Barking at each other like a pair of homeless ats. (cats?)
They argue in a raised voice, (raised voices)
Split something again and guess I peacefully sleep in bed.
But I'm not here. I'm there,
Where there are the clouds and the stars.
I'm not allowed walk so late.
It does not matter.
My thoughts are so afar.

And I don't care who is right,
'Cause I need both of them.
I used to fall asleep at night
And listen to their scrap.
Snatches of serious adult words
Already can't disturb my dream.
I used to fall asleep at night
And listen to their scrap.
Once again I dreamed that I boldly go up inhight. (height)
It's so funny. If I fly, that means that I grow up.
A city will let darkness from the curtains in my room. This sentence confuses me slightly, what did you mean by it?
And I'll leave my house, will go through the roof...

A dawn will break a dark pack (??)of new day
With the same edge as yesterday
By habitual nimble movement.
The figures will stamp to the bus stops,
A strong coffee smell will pull from mother's cezve.
This means enough flying, I should go soon to kindergarten,
A bed's runway will wait me at home.
When I'll land, they will be not along. I like these lines
And I'll become a little tool of a big revenge,
Which knows how to hurt against its will,
A soccer ball, flying over the field.
From player to player, from gate to gate.
Mom, Dad, I do not want these flights!

And I don't care who is right,
'Cause I need both of them.
I used to fall asleep at night
And listen to their scrap.
Snatches of serious adult words
Already can't disturb my dream.
I used to fall asleep at night
And listen to their scrap.
Once again I dreamed that I boldly go up in hight. (height)
It's so funny. If I fly, that means that I grow up.
A city will let darkness from the curtains in my room.
And I'll leave my house, will go through the roof...

...through the apartment of neighbors,
Pass the antennas of our high-rise building.

I really like this, Sofia! It sounds alot like a song with the repeated "chorus", and I thought it had really powerful emotion, it made me a bit sad, but only because it was so well written!

Only thing that I disliked (that ins't a grammatical nitpick) was the word 'scrap'. I think maybe a different word could be used? (eg. fights, arguments?)

~dashka

This is really good. It is unique and I can't quite tell you how, so sorry about that. All I know is that, if you wanted to you could make this into a song because when I read it I pick up on some random beat in my head. I think it would be a good song, but I doubt that's what you want to do, you write poems not songs I need to shut my mouth. Lol sorry I'm having a conversation with myself up here on this post. I'm a poet too, and I tried writing songs and a couple were actually good maybe you should try that I think you would be good at it. Oh yeah I agree with PaperCrane that's my homie(: she cool

rememberme, thank you. You are right. I wrote it like a song. I even wrote a little tune on the text.
kidashka, there will be no rhyme.