Losing treasure

for me i think that that was somewhat of a good son g but the way i see it is that it seems like it should be a slow song

On my own, against them

Now you're gone, you’re a tart

Watch your spelling.

Overall, the only consistent thing about this song was the chorus. The rhythm of the verses shifted, and there was no pattern to them, so I'm left wondering if you even have verses, and if so, what's a verse and what's a bridge. Rhythm is essential to lyrics, and right now, the rhythm needs a lot of help. Add to that the all-too-obvious fact that you chose words to rhyme for the sake of rhyming and that these lyrics contain nothing new on the subject, and this song becomes altogether insipid.

I suggest that, for starters, you pick a rhythm pattern for the verses and stick to it. Next, a sustainable rhyme scheme that won't result in forced rhymes would be a good idea. And perhaps most importantly of all, coming up with a newer take on the subject wouldn't hurt. Right now, these lyrics are just the same old same-old. Spice them up a little, add a bit of your own unique flavoring; the more unique something is, the more memorable, and I'm sure you want your lyrics to be memorable.

Ah maybe, but the way I composed this piece vocally is hard to place down in the text. There's certian emotional levels in each verse with different rythmically schemes, it is more of an emotional release and experimentation on composition based on emotion. None of the rhyming was purposely placed there but more derived from just letting lyrics flow.