Chapter 1: New House

I tried to fix the pile of boxes in my room. God, those thousands of
papers piled up. How can I fix these all by myself? I started to separate
the papers I need from the ones I don't.

"Need a help?" I hear someone ask. I turned around to see my best
guy friend smiling down at me.

Those two cute dimples, skin white as snow but not that really pale,
well -combed and nicely cut hair and eyes green as the grass. My face light
up then. "Clyde!!" I exclaimed. Then we hugged each other and stayed like
that for a while. Then he released me. "Cayce..I missed you" he said. I giggled.
"What? miss me already? You just saw me earlier right?" I asked "Yeah I
know that I did. But really...I already missed you" he said "Yeah right!" I laughed
and start fixing my things again. He chuckled and helped me finish things up.

~*~

After we fixed everything, Clyde decided to go home. I put a frown on my
face then. "Cayce! We're going already!" Mom shouted. I bid goodbye to my old
room. I walked towards our car and seated at the back seat together with my
bags. "I wonder what our house will look like..." I asked particularly to nobody.
"It's really awesome & pretty" Dad said. "Anyway, what's the name of the place,
Dad?" I asked him "I think it's Shasta Village" Dad answered "Oh yeah. Just
make sure that you can pay every monthly fee for our house, Drake" Mom told
Dad. Dad laughed. "Bethany, I already paid our house fully, okay? Don't worry"
Dad answered Mom. Mom sighed and squeezed Dad's hand. "Stop fighting,
okay? That just sucks so much every time you fight, I get irritated. Please love
each other before it ends with that divorce thing, please" I said annoyed alre-
ady. "Sweetie,I'm sorry...I promise to you that we will be good from now on"
Mom apologized "Yeah, Dad's sorry too, Cayce" Dad added "It' okay. Just pro-
mise to me you won't do it again, okay? I asked "We promise" they said.

~*~

Damn! This house is big! 4 bedrooms. Has everything. Music room,
library, garage, and oh-so-gorgeous pool! I started walking towards the front
door when Dad called me. "Hey, Cayce! Help your mom on fixing our things.
There are so many boxes" Dad yelled. "Fine! Alright!' I surrendered, I ran at
the side of the house where there are boxes. I saw mom trying to lift a heavy
box as I walked towards her to help "Mrs. Caldwell! I'm sure you need a help
out there" a familiar voice yelled. I felt a hand on my arm. I turned around to
see who it is. He's smiling to me again, showing nothing but those two dim-
ples. "Oh....Oh my god!! Clyde! Oh god you're here!" I shouted and hugged
him so tight. He laughed lightly.

"Hey, Cayce." he said then give a hug back. Oh, he smells like rusk
wood. "I missed you so much Clyde! As in!" I said. He ran his hands through
the strands of my hair. "I missed you too....you don't know how much I miss
you. I thought that was the last time I'll see you. But really...because of my luck
you are my new neighbor!" He said holding my hands. I blushed "Really?
Clyde I'll visit you 24/7 I promise" I said while raising my right hand up. "Alright...
you say so" he answered. He helped us put the things inside the boxes in their
right places. The truck-man put our appliances in their places too. After the 3
hours of work, perspiration and fatigue, I was really close to fainting when Clyde's
strong hands caught my body before i hit the floor. "Hey, come with me you're
exhausted." He brought me to me to the sofa in our living room. He sat on the
floor stroking my hair, lips, nose and cheeks. He stood up and walked to the
kitchen. He got back , sat on the floor again then handed me the glass of water.
"There. Have a drink, Cayce" he said. i finished the glass of water and lied on
the sofa. he started to stroke my hair again. "Clyde....I'm gonna fall asleep" I
murmured. I heard him chuckle. I flt him lean closer "C'mon, Cayce. Have a
sleep...Sweet dream, honey" he said as his breath washed over my face.

~*~

'Cayce here. Please leave a message.' "Sissy, how is your new house?
Is it cool? Tell me everything. I heard that Clyde is your neighbor. That must
be nice then,right? Answer this message when you're up. Love-lots! Hugs &
Kisses, Peace & Love." My best friend said. Aubrey. She's so sweet. I stood
up and fixed my bed. I called Aubrey "Hello? Aubrey here" she said "Aubrey?
guess who this is!" I said excitedly "O...OMG...Cayce is this you?" Aubrey
asked and shouted. I missed her voice so much. "Cayce, I missed you" she
said "The house is awesome. It has everything I need!" I told her "Really?
luck you Cayce" she answered "I'm gonna make it up to you, Aubrey" I pro-
mised her. "Let see... well...Bookstore! Let's shop some books tomorrow,
Cayce. There's a near bookstore here" Aubrey said. "Okay I will. I'm sure
Mom and Dad will allow me" I said. She laughed. "I'm gonna pick you up to-
morrow okay? 8:00 am" she asked "Alright bye, sis" I said "Bye" she ans-
wered then hung up. I run m hands through my hair and slipped on my
slippers. As I ran downstairs I smelled m favorite dish. Chicken Tetrazzini.
I sat on me favorite spot. We prayed and started eating silently. "Dad?"
I asked him "Yes, darling?" ha said "Uhhmm...Aubrey and I are going to
the bookstore down the block tomorrow. Can I go? Dad Please?" I asked
Dad "Okay. You could go kiddo. Have fun" he answered. "Aw...thanks,
Dad" I said. Mom washed the plates we used and Dad go and bu some
groceries. Someone called on the phone. "I got it! i got it!" I yelled "Hello"
I sang "Cayce-y! Clyde here" he answered "Clyde-y! what's up?"I asked
"Nothing much. I just wanna ask if you and I can go out tomorrow? he
asked " Oh, sorry but I can't Clyde" O apologized "But why Cayce-y? I tho-
ught you are available? he said

I heard the loneliness on his voice " I'm going to go out with Aubrey
tomorrow....I'm sorry" I said "Yeah, okay...i understand" he answered "Well
I can go with you the other day. We will go to the places you like us to go.
Me and you only." I said "Really?!" he asked excitedly. I giggled. "Yeah, the
next day, Clyde-y. I promise" I said " Thank you! I love you,Cayce! So much!"
Clyde exclaimed. "As a friend, right?" I asked

It took him several minutes to answer " Yeah...as a best friend...ask per-
mission, tell me if they said or no. That's all...bye" he said then hung up.
"Clyde..." I sighed " So what was that about?....Clyde and you are going out
the next day?" Mom asked "Yep...can I?" I asked her. She smiled at me. "Of
course, sweetie, you can" she answered "But how about Dad. I'm not sure
if he will let me" i said worriedly "What's about me letting you out?" Dad asked
me. Oh, please let me go out. "Well, Clyde asked me, well I want to go out
with me the next day...please Dad can I?" I asked him, wishing he would buy
my puppy-cute-eyes. And he didn't. Great. "No" he said "But Dad!" "No buts,
Cayce" "No, Dad listen to me. Clyde is my best friend since I was a kid. You
already know that he's not a bad guy, for goodness's sake" I explained "No,
he is still a guy anyway. But how about his friends? Are you sure they're not
bad?" Dad asked. "But he said that it's only me and him!" I demanded
"Cayce, the situation remains the same!" Dad said finally. I ran upstairs and
cried on my bed. I reached for my phone and dialed Clyde's number "Hello!
Ruwenshire's residence" he said happily "Clyde" I said bleakly "Cayce-y?
Hey, honey what's wrong...something happened?" he asked "Yeah, Dad
didn't let me go out with you" I whispered "What? I thought you said...Cayce
you promised to me! I waited for a yes! I want to got out with you" he said
I heard him crying "But Dad didn't let me! He said you might bring some
"bad" friends of yours! I can't sneak off! I can't do anything! Clyde I'm so
sorry" I sobbed "Sorry won't change anything,Cayce! What's done is done!
Promises are meant to be damn BROKEN! he said then slammed the
phone. I cried hard. My eyes are swelling already. Clyde got angry at me.

I called Aubrey "Hey sissy," she said "Hey, Aubrey....I-I" I said while
gasping for air.

"Oh my...Cayce...what happened?" she asked "Dad didn't let me go
out with Clyde" I murmured. She giggled "That's it? Cayce....you're big
enough to understand your father" she said "No...let me finish Dad
didn't let m go out. And now Clyde is angry at me. He won't talk to me
anymore" I cried "Oh sissy I'm so sorry...I'll just talk to him and-" "No,
he won't accept any apology. I promised and I broke it. I did hurt him.
So much" I said "It's okay, dear He's going to forgive you someday. I
know it. Anyway I'm here for you, okay?" she comforted. I smiled. I thank
her for being the best-est gal pal I've ever had. She's there when Clyde
is not around. She's there to make me smile. She's there to cheer me
up. "Thank you, Aubrey. I love you, sissy. Very much. I hope you won't
change" I said. We said goodbye. Hung the phone. I walked towards
the bathroom, brush my teeth, take a shower, slip into pajamas and
go to bed. I prayed silently. Then I started staring at the ceiling. I held
the teddy that Clyde gave me. Color pink, cuddly and has a pillow sign
"Hug me". I hugged it. Tears falling down. I wonder of he'll forgive me.

right... this is a great plot. But you had many mistakes. I'll come 'round tomorrow to edit. Okay?
Keep Writing!
Nike

I'm here, like I said yesterday. The edits will be recognized; stuff that you don't need in strikeout
and edits will be under what I quoted.

pillowheart wrote:I tried to fix the pile of boxes in my room. God, those thousands of
papers piled up. How can I fix these all by myself? I started to separate
the papers I need from the ones I don't.

"Need a help?" I hear someone ask. I turned around to see my best
guy friend smiling down at me.

Those two cute dimples, skin white as snow but not that really pale,
well -combed and nicely cut hair and eyes green as the grass. My face light
up then. "Clyde!!" I exclaimed. Then we hugged each other and stayed like
that for a while. Then he released me. "Cayce..I missed you" he said. I giggled.
"What? miss me already? You just saw me earlier right?" I asked "Yeah I
know that I did. But really...I already missed you" he said "Yeah right!" I laughed
and start fixing my things again. He chuckled and helped me finish things up.

Here is where I'm lost. What is your character doing? Why is she doing it. And the description is okay but it should be better.

pillowheart wrote: ~*~

After we fixed everything, Clyde decided to go home. I put a frown on my
face then. "Cayce! We're going already!" Mom shouted. I bid goodbye to my old
room. I walked towards our car and seated at the back seat together with my
bags. "I wonder what our house will look like..." I asked particularly to nobody.
"It's really awesome & pretty" Dad said. "Anyway, what's the name of the place,
Dad?" I asked him "I think it's Shasta Village" Dad answered "Oh yeah. Just
make sure that you can pay every monthly fee for our house, Drake" Mom told
Dad. Dad laughed. "Bethany, I already paid our house fully, okay? Don't worry"
Dad answered Mom. Mom sighed and squeezed Dad's hand. "Stop fighting,
okay? That just sucks so much every time you fight, I get irritated. Please love
each other before it ends with that divorce thing, please" I said annoyed alre-
ady. "Sweetie,I'm sorry...I promise to you that we will be good from now on"
Mom apologized "Yeah, Dad's sorry too, Cayce" Dad added "It' okay. Just pro-
mise to me you won't do it again, okay? I asked "We promise" they said.

Here it is confusing and too fast. Describe the situation when Clyde decides to leave. Don't do this so fast! And describe more, your story has no plot really. It's just an idea. You gotta FILL IT IN!

pillowheart wrote: ~*~

Damn! This house is big! 4 bedrooms. Has everything. Music room,
library, garage, and oh-so-gorgeous pool! I started walking towards the front
door when Dad called me. "Hey, Cayce! Help your mom on fixing our things.
There are so many boxes" Dad yelled. "Fine! Alright!' I surrendered, I ran at
the side of the house where there are boxes. I saw mom trying to lift a heavy
box as I walked towards her to help "Mrs. Caldwell! I'm sure you need a help
out there" a familiar voice yelled. I felt a hand on my arm. I turned around to
see who it is. He's smiling to me again, showing nothing but those two dim-
ples. "Oh....Oh my god!! Clyde! Oh god you're here!" I shouted and hugged
him so tight. He laughed lightly.

I hate this paragraph *fights with it* *rips it up*! You see?! The description is thrown in like it's some garbage! You gotta make it flow in, like it would make sense. Okay?

pillowheart wrote: "Hey, Cayce." he said then give a hug back. Oh, he smells like rusk
wood. "I missed you so much Clyde! As in!" I said. He ran his hands through
the strands of my hair. "I missed you too....you don't know how much I miss
you. I thought that was the last time I'll see you. But really...because of my luck
you are my new neighbor!" He said holding my hands. I blushed "Really?
Clyde I'll visit you 24/7 I promise" I said while raising my right hand up. "Alright...
you say so" he answered. He helped us put the things inside the boxes in their
right places. The truck-man put our appliances in their places too. After the 3
hours of work, perspiration and fatigue, I was really close to fainting when Clyde's
strong hands caught my body before i hit the floor. "Hey, come with me you're
exhausted." He brought me to me to the sofa in our living room. He sat on the
floor stroking my hair, lips, nose and cheeks. He stood up and walked to the
kitchen. He got back , sat on the floor again then handed me the glass of water.
"There. Have a drink, Cayce" he said. i finished the glass of water and lied on
the sofa. he started to stroke my hair again. "Clyde....I'm gonna fall asleep" I
murmured. I heard him chuckle. I flt him lean closer "C'mon, Cayce. Have a
sleep...Sweet dream, honey" he said as his breath washed over my face.

So Cayce didn't know that her best friend is gonna be her neighbor? Is that even possible? The emotions, if it's even possible, are emotionless.

pillowheart wrote: ~*~

'Cayce here. Please leave a message.' "Sissy, how is your new house?
Is it cool? Tell me everything. I heard that Clyde is your neighbor. That must
be nice then,right? Answer this message when you're up. Love-lots! Hugs &
Kisses, Peace & Love." My best friend said. Aubrey. She's so sweet. I stood
up and fixed my bed. I called Aubrey "Hello? Aubrey here" she said "Aubrey?
guess who this is!" I said excitedly "O...OMG...Cayce is this you?" Aubrey
asked and shouted. I missed her voice so much. "Cayce, I missed you" she
said "The house is awesome. It has everything I need!" I told her "Really?
luck you Cayce" she answered "I'm gonna make it up to you, Aubrey" I pro-
mised her. "Let see... well...Bookstore! Let's shop some books tomorrow,
Cayce. There's a near bookstore here" Aubrey said. "Okay I will. I'm sure
Mom and Dad will allow me" I said. She laughed. "I'm gonna pick you up to-
morrow okay? 8:00 am" she asked "Alright bye, sis" I said "Bye" she ans-
wered then hung up. I run m hands through my hair and slipped on my
slippers. As I ran downstairs I smelled m favorite dish. Chicken Tetrazzini.
I sat on me favorite spot. We prayed and started eating silently. "Dad?"
I asked him "Yes, darling?" ha said "Uhhmm...Aubrey and I are going to
the bookstore down the block tomorrow. Can I go? Dad Please?" I asked
Dad "Okay. You could go kiddo. Have fun" he answered. "Aw...thanks,
Dad" I said. Mom washed the plates we used and Dad go and bu some
groceries. Someone called on the phone. "I got it! i got it!" I yelled "Hello"
I sang "Cayce-y! Clyde here" he answered "Clyde-y! what's up?"I asked
"Nothing much. I just wanna ask if you and I can go out tomorrow? he
asked " Oh, sorry but I can't Clyde" O apologized "But why Cayce-y? I tho-
ught you are available? he said

I heard the loneliness on his voice " I'm going to go out with Aubrey
tomorrow....I'm sorry" I said "Yeah, okay...i understand" he answered "Well
I can go with you the other day. We will go to the places you like us to go.
Me and you only." I said "Really?!" he asked excitedly. I giggled. "Yeah, the
next day, Clyde-y. I promise" I said " Thank you! I love you,Cayce! So much!"
Clyde exclaimed. "As a friend, right?" I asked

It took him several minutes to answer " Yeah...as a best friend...ask per-
mission, tell me if they said or no. That's all...bye" he said then hung up.
"Clyde..." I sighed " So what was that about?....Clyde and you are going out
the next day?" Mom asked "Yep...can I?" I asked her. She smiled at me. "Of
course, sweetie, you can" she answered "But how about Dad. I'm not sure
if he will let me" i said worriedly "What's about me letting you out?" Dad asked
me. Oh, please let me go out. "Well, Clyde asked me, well I want to go out
with me the next day...please Dad can I?" I asked him, wishing he would buy
my puppy-cute-eyes. And he didn't. Great. "No" he said "But Dad!" "No buts,
Cayce" "No, Dad listen to me. Clyde is my best friend since I was a kid. You
already know that he's not a bad guy, for goodness's sake" I explained "No,
he is still a guy anyway. But how about his friends? Are you sure they're not
bad?" Dad asked. "But he said that it's only me and him!" I demanded
"Cayce, the situation remains the same!" Dad said finally. I ran upstairs and
cried on my bed. I reached for my phone and dialed Clyde's number "Hello!
Ruwenshire's residence" he said happily "Clyde" I said bleakly "Cayce-y?
Hey, honey what's wrong...something happened?" he asked "Yeah, Dad
didn't let me go out with you" I whispered "What? I thought you said...Cayce
you promised to me! I waited for a yes! I want to got out with you" he said
I heard him crying "But Dad didn't let me! He said you might bring some
"bad" friends of yours! I can't sneak off! I can't do anything! Clyde I'm so
sorry" I sobbed "Sorry won't change anything,Cayce! What's done is done!
Promises are meant to be damn BROKEN! he said then slammed the
phone. I cried hard. My eyes are swelling already. Clyde got angry at me.

I called Aubrey "Hey sissy," she said "Hey, Aubrey....I-I" I said while
gasping for air.

"Oh my...Cayce...what happened?" she asked "Dad didn't let me go
out with Clyde" I murmured. She giggled "That's it? Cayce....you're big
enough to understand your father" she said "No...let me finish Dad
didn't let m go out. And now Clyde is angry at me. He won't talk to me
anymore" I cried "Oh sissy I'm so sorry...I'll just talk to him and-" "No,
he won't accept any apology. I promised and I broke it. I did hurt him.
So much" I said "It's okay, dear He's going to forgive you someday. I
know it. Anyway I'm here for you, okay?" she comforted. I smiled. I thank
her for being the best-est gal pal I've ever had. She's there when Clyde
is not around. She's there to make me smile. She's there to cheer me
up. "Thank you, Aubrey. I love you, sissy. Very much. I hope you won't
change" I said. We said goodbye. Hung the phone. I walked towards
the bathroom, brush my teeth, take a shower, slip into pajamas and
go to bed. I prayed silently. Then I started staring at the ceiling. I held
the teddy that Clyde gave me. Color pink, cuddly and has a pillow sign
"Hug me". I hugged it. Tears falling down. I wonder of he'll forgive me.

OVERALL: Don't worry, I don't hate it. It's just blank. When I read it, it was hard for me to imagine it. It was hard to imagine the characters. More emotion, description, edit, make it longer, don't skip important parts, and how are the relationships in this story? And make the story flow. F. L. O. W. The way you wrote it did just look like some pieces thrown in and you didn't even check if it was good.

I didn't mean to be harsh or anything, so don't take it personaly. Just edit and PM me when you add new parts, need help, or even anything.

Keep Writing!
Nike

Hello there.

Okay, so I corrected all your mistakes, but then my computer shut down, and I don't want to make any full review again... So I'm going to count on the others for the corrections.

One thing I saw was that your dialogues were in huge paragraphs/sentences with close to no punctuation in between. Normally, when someones writing, they will write their dialogue, and when the person is finish talking, they will put a comma, then say who was talking and how. You didn't put any comma's or points or spaces... Let me tell you that it was a little bit confusing to know who was saying what. So for that, I would recommend you edit it and you separate all your dialogue (double space whenever someone talks or when you have another idea coming in,) and make sure there's punctuation there to situate the reader.

Next is the verb tense! Yes, it's a mistake, we teenagers, tend to make... Past, present, present, present, past! Doesn't quiet make sense to me. So in my review that got erased, I corrected a few of them... I only remember one unfortunately, but I will show you.

Hang up the phone. I walked past towards the bathroom, brushed present my teeth, took present a shower, sliped present into pajamas and got present to bed. I prayed silently. Then I started staring at the ceiling. I held the teddy that Clyde gave me. Color pink, cuddly and has a pillow sign
"Hug me". I hugged it. Tears falling down. I wondered ifof he'll ever forgive me.

Okay so in bold if the tense of your verbs before I changed them, and in red, it's the changes itself. See what I'm talking about?
You don't have to worry about it, I do that too, but just make sure to correct them, okay?

Overall impression... It's a good start. I like the story line, but I don't know where it's going really. That's good, it keeps the reader interested. I would just make sure your MC is well characterize, and that it's not too "Mary-Jane"
Another thing that seemed a little bit off is the reaction of Clyde when Cayce says that her dad is not letting her go out with him... It's not like it's her fault, or she doesn't want to go. It doesn't seems real, but I hope he has a reason for this and you'll explain later on... If not, well you might want to change it, because normally, the guy won't be pissed, he'll be sad that you can't go, but he won't be full out mad and hang up on you. Anyways, the plot was great, and I want to read more. Hope I wasn't too harsh in my review... I didn't mean to be.

Keep writing!

-Other One

Generally, quite good. I'll certainly be back to read more - that's the main thing that I think makes a book good. However, consider it a big, BIG bonus to have perfected grammar and speech. It'd really be a help if you could start a new line every time a new person speaks - otherwise it can be a bit difficult to read and you can get lost. You'd be suprised how much better a book is when you simply start new lines for new speech.

I love the plot, so long as you keep your characters interesting and make sure Clyde and Cayce don't get too cliché. Keep writing, and I'll sure keep reading!