Alone again.

7 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1081
Reviews 17
If it makes no sense just go with it xD
I was feeling claustrophobic and pressured. I even felt like I wanted to be dead. Not as in to kill myself!, but as in to be there but not to be seen y'know? Yes that's so emo, I know -.-



I long to be the moon, the stars.
To watch over the world from afar.
I wish to be a reminant of what I used to be.
A mear segment of my old self.
I do not want to speak.
I no longer want to notice.
I long to fade like the stars, the moon.
To vanish without a trace.
Just to be alone again.
All alone again
Last edited by chynelk5 on Sun Oct 31, 2010 6:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"I never said I'd lie and wait forever.
If I died we'd be together.
I cant always just forget her.
But she could try."
The ghost of you- MCR <3




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1747
Reviews 135
It doesn't sound like you wrote it late at night. I like it. And it doesn't really sound emo. All teenagers want to vanish off the face of the earth in some point in their lives. And for doing it so late you sure did good on your grammar. I'm not the best on commenting on poetry, so all I'll say is I liked it. Keep writing!
Let's eat mom.
Let's eat, mom.
Good grammar saves lives :D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 7297
Reviews 156
I beleive you had something going for you with the fading of the stars.

There are some unanswered questions you need to address or else your poem ends up being 'emo'.
Why do you only want to be a PART of your old self?
Why don't you want to be who you are now?
Who are you now?
If you want to fade OUT like the moon/stars, why do you want to fade back IN like they do every night?
Is there any significance in only being seen at night?

Answer one or all of these and I think you poem will be better.

"I do not want to speak." I would change that to 'don't'
Also, having a disclaimer that it's written at night is just and excuse and kind of put me off from the beginning.
So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra....




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1081
Reviews 17
Thank you very much Stargazer :]
I actually rememeber, it was 2 in the morning...in the shower xD
Thanks again :]
Chynel.
"I never said I'd lie and wait forever.
If I died we'd be together.
I cant always just forget her.
But she could try."
The ghost of you- MCR <3




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1081
Reviews 17
Hi KatTrain,
Well to be honest why should all those questions be answered? I mean it just came to me, I don't really plan these things because when I do they turn out rubbish. I just think it would end up being to complicated if I answered everything.
Sorry if I sound ungrateful for your critic!
Thank you for the critic :]
Chynel
"I never said I'd lie and wait forever.
If I died we'd be together.
I cant always just forget her.
But she could try."
The ghost of you- MCR <3




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1855
Reviews 88
Hello Chynelk5,

I know how it feels like to be emo and I like it.
I no longer want to notice.
I think it's better if you write want to be notice. But it's up to you because this is your poem.

Anyway, I think it's a good poem.

Good luck and keep writing,

Alicia.
"The nicest part is being able to write down all my thoughts and feelings, otherwise I‘d absolutely suffocate."- Anne Frank




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1081
Reviews 17
Hey kikialicia,
Thanks, but I kind of like it the way it is.
Thank you so much for the suggestion though!
Chynel.
"I never said I'd lie and wait forever.
If I died we'd be together.
I cant always just forget her.
But she could try."
The ghost of you- MCR <3



Life is about losing everything.
— Isabel Allende