Marie Antoinette

Frivolous princess, blasé queen—
in the Hall of Mirrors she pauses,
unsure which reflection is herself:
rose-bitten lips, crown gnawing her scalp,
diamonds clawing at her throat.

Her satin-slippered foot pierces
a gold-trimmed membrane—
a plunge in the lungs, and
then the mise-en-scène morphs:
Versailles in ruin, pearl walls lit aflame.

She finds herself in a cage of spines,
its bars wet with noble blood,
the chant of her name
a guttural knell in the skull:
the revolution craves justice.

The urge to be a lady enthralls—
she obeys. She marches to La Marseillaise,
the queen in royal rags, maker of her own danse macabre,
surrendering her neck to the
guillotine’s swift swoop.

It transpires in a sliver of silence,
the queen’s demise by a surgeon’s blade,
her bonbon-eyes protruding,
eggshell-cheeks smeared with a red
more virulent than any rouge.

This is really deep.

I love:

It transpires in a sliver of silence,
the queen’s demise by a surgeon’s blade,

and:

In the Hall of Mirrors she pauses,
unsure which reflection is herself:

Great imagination,
And amazing vocabulary,
Though this means I only truly understand half of the poem.

But I still love it because the flow is wonderful.

LOVE IT!

Hey,

I think most things in the poem were historically accurate which is a bonus.

This is a beautiful poem full of rich imagery that really jumps out and captures the readers attention. I like the way you described the hall of mirrors. You description of her crown and necklace jewels are astounding. I am slightly jealous. This is a really excellent piece, you have done well to write this good. Well done XD

~Retro Disco666

Heya

I'm here to review as requested. My internet has been really dodgy lately, so sorry I couldn't get this done for you sooner. My internet's fixed now though, so I hope it'll be for a while!

rose-bitten lips, crown gnawing her scalp,
diamonds clawing at her throat.

I really love the imagery in this.

She finds herself in a cage of spines,
its bars wet with noble blood.
The chant of her name

a guttural knell in the skull:
You need a period instead of a comma, so I corrected it for you.


Overall

Now, I'm going to warn you in advance that I'm not so good at poetry reviews. You could probably do with asking someone who knows a bit more about poetry than me to give you a more specific, know-what-they're-talking-about, review. I will try my best though to help you out a little bit. As a whole, I thought that this poem was seriously good! Your vocabulary was great and I adored some of the imagery you used. I especially like the imagery you used at the beginning of the poem; the one that I pointed out. The fact that this was at the beginning of the poem was good because it helped draw me in, making me want to read more. As for the grammar of the piece, that was very good too. I did find one little hitch, but I corrected it for you. Except for that though, your grammar seemed to be pretty much perfect. The same goes for your spelling; I didn't find any misspelled words in this piece.

To be honest, I don't really have much to critique about this at all. In fact, I only have one thing I want to mention. Basically, I would like for you to make some aspects of this poem a bit clearer. Like buenno said, she didn't really understand half of the poem. Although your imagery in this is great and you have come up with some very nice metaphors, you need to be careful that they don't overshadow other things and make the subject of the poem slightly confusing. I'm pretty sure that I know what the poem's about, but admittedly, I had to read it over a few times to have a decent idea of what it was, in fact, about. Now, I don't want you to literally tell me what the poem's about, or who the poem's about. I just want you to remember that even though it might make sense to you, to other's, it might not be so clear. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that this makes no sense whatsoever because it does. I just think that you could easily make it a bit more understandable at parts.

I feel rather useless now because I don't have anything else to say... All that you really need to do is to take into account what us reviewers have, and will, say. After that, you should consider maybe editing this up a bit, making the subject of the poem a bit clearer. I might be completely wrong, but I got the impression that it's about a wealthy girl who's going under the knife for something...? I'm not too sure though and that's the problem. I can't say that confidently. If you clear that up a bit, this poem could be really, really, great.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

*Likes*

Hi there, blackbird! Here to review, as requested. (Sorry it took so long, my laptop died...>.>).

Punctuation
Wow; I can't tell you how nice it was to see someone who, it appears, reviews their poem themselves before posting it. I usually have a ton of punctuation nitpicks, but in this case, I don't have any. The one nitpick I did have was pointed out by Skins; so just take that into account.

Language
Oh, dear. I loved the words you used in this poem. However, it was a bit difficult to read. I did end up re-reading this a few times over, just to make sure I had the clear picture in my head. Even if you are a whiz with words, just remember that the vast majority of the audience isn't. Still, most of this was pretty clear & that's good to see.

Flow
You had a nice flow throughout the whole length of this poem, so nice job there. The big words didn't even interfere with this, so, nice work.

Overall
Ha. I feel so useless; there really wasn't much to critique here. I feel like this is one of the most well-written poems I have seen on YWS for awhile, so super job there.

Keep up the great work & I'll see you around.

~Mizz

Hey there, as requested:

Naturally, I'm going to start with the language. I liked it a lot, it was very flowery, very impressive and very decisively chosen. Although it would have a very specific audience, noticably the people who can understand and grasp effect from your choice of the words, it still appeals to others as well as something they can admire. The way I see your poem here is more as a piece of art, celebrating language used to create image and emotion, instead of something that leaves me thinking heavily about effect on me as the reader. I don't know if that's what you were trying to do, but that was my interpretation.

The punctuation was well chosen in order to promote the poem's fluency to mass effect and although at some points your flowery language made the pace jump or dwell a little in general the poem is very comfortable to read. That's usually rare in terms of poetry, but you've done well with punctuation here.

In terms of content, the images were very mysterious, wonderous and surreal. Probably due to your language choices and my constant turning over of each word to feel an interpretation from it as the words in this poem aren't really everyday choices. However in the 4th stanza, I start to get that vivid feeling, the slow but swift attack of death, execution and punishment. In that very stanza the poem turns very dark and I think the effect from it is something mixed. It feels depressing, saddening, but enlightening too. Anyway, I can't get my head around whether or not that's a good thing.

Anyway, it was a brilliant poem to read.
Keep it up and I hope this helped,
Ben

Whoooooooaaaa. This is some serious awesomeness here. To be honest, I really hate to waltz in and write a gushing review for a poem that is already on the "Featured Works" list, but here goes......

Your language was beautiful, first of all. I think you captured the superflicial glitter of Versailles, and the queen herself. However, despite the first line, "Frivolous princess, blasé queen—" you presented her as nonetheless a person, hiding inside a shell of satin and jewels. I must say I didn't quite understand the second stanza, what with her foot piercing a membrane and all, and the transition from the second to third stanzas seemed a tad abrupt, but you still handled it pretty well.

Cheers all around, and vive la France!

Hello blackbird.

You've got yourself quite an interesting subject here, and doing quite well with. I'm not going to go much into gushing about vocabulary/imagery/etc, since everyone that reviewed before has more than covered that. I have a problem here, and it's that I can't take this poem seriously.

Please. Be sure of what a word means before you use, because you're tripping yourself up with the gratuitous French a lot here.

Frivolous princess, blasé queen—

First victim. I don't know how it sounds to English ears, but I'm just shaking my head here. First line, and already you've pulled me out of the poem. For one, I'm wondering how the grammar translates when you're mixing two languages like this: shouldn't the adjective go after the noun as it would in French, since you've so happily infused the French in the poem? Or keep it as is, but then have (more) dissonance in how it flows? (not to mention that queen, aka reine, is feminine, and thus blasé should be written blasée)

then the mise-en-scène morphs:

Take two. "Mise en scène" usually refers to the setting, as it appears you've wanted to mean here, but in a different context/meaning. I'm afraid I can't quite explain it, since it's kind of a subtle/shades of meaning/lotsa layers thing, but seriously, reading this line is just so awkward. If you really wanted to insist on the French, truncating it down to just 'scène' would be a lot more correct.
(also, the whole stanza makes little sense to me. guess I'm the only one with that issue, but I figured it was worth pointing out)

Thank you for sparing me the French in the third stanza, or at least doing it in a way that could be passed off for English (I'm looking at you, 'chant'). "Spines"? Really? Seems to me like you're over-dramatizing things and turning what I'll call the gruesomeness, for lack of a better word, up to eleven with no other reason than to use pretty words and increase the tension.

she obeys. She marches to La Marseillaise,
the queen in royal rags, maker of her own danse macabre,

So. "Danse macabre" usually serves to designate a tapestry/painting depicting Death/skeletons dancing among people, the main theme conveyed being that everyone dies. Doesn't seem to be quite the connotation you're looking for, since you're only focusing on one death here.
Also, La Marseillaise wasn't made the national anthem until 1795, when Marie Antoinette was killed in October 1793. Granted, it was written in 1792, but you're stretching it. A lot. Not to mention it would sound terribly out of place before the guillotine. /$0.02

the queen’s demise by a surgeon’s blade,
her bonbon-eyes protruding,
eggshell-cheeks smeared with a red
more virulent than any rouge.

I'm not quite sure comparing a guillotine's blade to a surgeon's is that great an idea. YMMV, I suppose, but the differences are too big to work properly, IMO.
Also, "candy-eyes"? Really?

Next time you feel like playing around with words and languages like this... please be careful, because otherwise you'll destroy all and any credibility you hold with the reader, and you really don't want that.

Hello, dear.

Since this is the first review I have done of your writing, let me know if you need anything explained or that my handwriting is illegible.



1. I am not bothered by the mention of "La Marseillaise" because I think it adds something to the poem. Also, I hate to be a stickler for history, but I am a history buff. "La Marseillaise" was only adopted as the national anthem of France in 1795. It was written in 1792 by Claude Rouget de Lisle and originally titled "Chant de guerre pour l'Armée du Rhine" or in english, "War Song for the Army of the Rhine". This was a popular song of the time thus leading to it becoming France's national anthem.

2. I also like the image of "bonbon eyes". To me, it speaks of the queen's frivolous indulgence. Also, I get the image akin to anime where the character's eyes get large and an image of whatever they want flashes in them--here I get candy.

3. I think this poem is a great start to something even better, and if you cut away all the unneeded language I think it would do wonders.

Hope this helps,
Cal.