Fasting from You

My muse is gone,
My heart is cold,
My eyes are wet,
And my head's in a hold.

You stole my breath,
And made my head feel faint.
You made me believe,
You were the perfect saint.

Why did I believe you?
What was it,
That made me feel safe?

But what had you ever done,
To make me rethink my faith?

So I gave you my heart,
For it's safe keeping.
And all you gave back,
Was a lifetime of weeping.

After you left me,
Laying in my pity,
All of the things I previously enjoyed,
Just seemed gritty.

You left me alone,
And robbed me of my joy.
Who would ever think,
It was because of a boy.

And I don't understand,
What I've ever done to you.
What had happened?
Why didn't I fit in Cinderella's shoe?

Everyone tells me,
Not to dwell in the past.
But all I want to do,
Is to stop the fast,
From you.


Comments and critiques are greatly appreciated. Thanks, muchly. Really anything is fine to say. Just help me fix this as much as possible =]

This is a beautiful poem. The rhymes are pretty good and you use the right words for what you want to say, it's simple and straight to the point.

My muse is gone,
My heart is cold,
My eyes are wet,
And my head's in a hold.

The only thing is that you don't have any rhythm and it breaks up the flow in the first verse... I have the same problem with my poems and I don't really know how to fix it... so I'll leave it to someone else

So I gave you my heart,
For its safe keeping. It's the heart safe keeping, therefore not 'it is'
And all you gave back,
Was a lifetime of weeping.

I love this part here.

And I don't understand,I would remove the 'and' because it does not fit in the verse very well and I think it sounds better without it
What I've ever done to you.
What had happened?
Why didn't I fit in Cinderella's shoe?

That's all I would change
Great job!

-Truth-

This is a beautiful poem, you showed your pain in a nice way, but I believe it was a litte too "simple". My point is that you have put down your feelings and anger as they are, what you had to do was:

1.Use a little more imagination. Which means that you should use a little fantasy and some sad dark thoughts in order to reveal the deepest feelings you have.

2.Use a little stronger vocabulary becuase I noticed that you were trying a little too hard to find the rhyming words, which led to the usage of some simple ones.

It is hard to find words that rhyme, but try to keep the sentence deep and steady. Other than that, good job!

Beautiful <3
Even just the first stanza by itself would be lovely.
Keep writing please!

Hey books,

I find this pretty flat, emotions-wise. You've got the cliche images and phrases--cold heart, wet eyes, robbed of joy, don't dwell in the past--as well as the overdone empty rhetorical questions, and at the end of the poem I really don't get anything other than the fact that this reads like just another lovesick heartbroken poem. My main suggestion would be to spice this up, crank up the emotion; make the reader feel something, see something he hasn't already seen a thousand times before. Put in some imagery, a couple of metaphors, maybe expand on that fasting theme which could probably give a nice mine of comparisons to take advantage of.

You should also look over your use of punctuation: there are stray commas that do not need to be there (at the end of "what was it", for example, though there are more). You do not need to add punctuation marks at the end of each line, I promise; these commas only break up your flow and pull us further out of the poem.

Also, watch out for that annoying partial rhyming where you tend to rhyme two lines out of each stanza and leave the others dangling and mismatched. If you're going to rhyme, do it all the way. If you're not, then keep it rhyme-free. The middle ground has a nasty tendency to just sound clumsy.

I liked it.
I think everyone else pointed out some good stuff..
So I have nothing to say..
But I hope you write more so I can read it!
~Ladypurple