You </3

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I know it was long ago and you probably don’t care,
but I miss you so much and your crazy long hair.

All your hidden talents that you kept from me,
I wish you’d let me discover so I could truly see.

Your poetry was beautiful, your embrace just as strong,
and I know I could have loved you, I’d known it all along.

But now it’s too late, you’ve seemed to have locked me out,
and I know I’ll never forget you, but your love I’ll have to live without.
Last edited by TheReader22 on Mon Oct 25, 2010 11:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Aw, this is a sad but cute poem. For the most part you have a nice rhyme and rhythm pattern going; only in the last coupling do I detect a bit of irregularity in meter.

"But now it’s too late and you’ve seemed to have locked me out,
and I know I’ll never forget you, but your love I’ll have to live without."

Each line has a few extra syllables. Something like this might flow better:

"But now it's too late and it seems you've locked me out,
and I know I'll never forget you, but your love I must live without."

Good job on the whole, hun! Keep writing! :)
You must be swift as the coursing river,
With all the force of a great typhoon,
With all the strength of a raging fire,
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.




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O.K., so right now I feel like this poem is more sentences than lines. There is lots of un-needed words, if you take them out it will help the rhythm, though of course it is your opinion. Words in blue, I would take out.

TheReader22 wrote:I know it was long ago and you probably don’t care,
but I miss you so much and your crazy long hair. I would take out and and replace it with a comma, because right now it sounds like the person is missing the guy and his hair. Like you miss his hair separately or something, I don't know.

All your hidden talents that you kept from me,
I wish you’d have? let me discover so I could've truly seen. I am just thinking that the line right now sounds like she wants to discover while the next line makes it seem like she has already discovered. Do you get what I mean? The tenses are confusing me.

Your poetry was beautiful and your embrace just as strong, I thought you should take this out because you say 'and' at the beginning of the next line.
and I know I could have loved you, I’d I've? known it all along. Again I thought you were supposed to be in past tense because you say I could have.

But, now it’s too late and you’ve seemed to have locked me out, Does it seem like he has locked her out or has he. I want something stronger than seemed because it sounds like you aren't sure.
and I know I’ll never forget you, but your love I’ll have to live without.


One thing I have noticed is that you say 'and' and 'but' a lot. It makes the poem seem choppy, bla (because of repeated vocabulary/sentence structure) and un-revised. I want to here more description in this, you have a good start of it, but I want to feel what she is feeling and right now I don't. Some good imagery would help this poem a ton. I think you could add a ton to this. Make it longer. I guess that is all I have to say. This is really good poem, but like everything can be improved.

Hope I helped,

A. S.




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this was really good. I like the simple title too. The first stanza was my favorite part, it showed your sincere feeling for this guy and a characteristic about him.
the last stanza was the only part that needed help.
Take either or of these into consideration:
TheReader22 wrote:But now it’s too late, you’ve seemed to have locked me out,
and I know I’ll never forget you, but your love I shall/must live without.


OR

TheReader22 wrote:But now it’s too late, you’ve locked me out,
and I know I’ll never forget you, but your love I'll live without.


this poem was sweet. and I think you should let the guy read this



If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
— Oscar Wilde