College Essay 2.0 (maybe?)

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Hi guys. So I thought about your suggestions, and tried a different approach to the essay. The topic I picked is: "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you." All the previous information given for my other essay is true, but I've changed my CommonApp and I'm applying as Undecided for my majors. Comments are highly appreciated. :)

My most important experience came to me in the guise of my former JROTC Battalion Commander handing me a stack of folders, congratulating me on my promotion to Battalion Commander and wishing me luck as she left. The folders were for our annual Field Day---a Saturday in mid-spring dedicated to competing in various sports against a rival JROTC battalion. Technically speaking, it was my first day as Battalion Commander, the leader of the entire unit. I was in charge of figuring out what had been planned, finishing the plans, and supervising the whole event to make sure without it went off without a hitch. I was certain I couldn’t do it. Not then.

At fifteen, I was my battalion’s youngest leader, and I had a lot to prove. I pulled my team together, a ragtag group of people thrust into their positions the same time I was. I assessed what needed to be done, and with minimal help from the instructors, my team and I pulled it together. Far from being an just an exercise in organization, running my battalion’s Field Day had a profound impact on me. I changed that day. I went from being a timid follower to being an assertive leader, I learned how to take initiative and make things happen, and most importantly, I learned to believe in myself and others.

Growing up, I’d never been the charismatic, popular student. I was the one who tried to fit in with everyone else. It never really felt right to me. I knew I had important things to say, but I never thought people would listen to me. That soon changed. Freshman year, I joined JROTC and the JROTC Color Guard. Seemingly on a whim, the Color Guard commander placed me in charge of my own team. I did what I was supposed to: direct my team through ceremonial procedures. To my surprise, they listened. That small instance of power inspired me to try, slowly, to lead others instead of following them. Each time, it worked. I rose through the ranks, both surprised and pleased with myself. Toward the end of my sophomore year, I was chosen to succeed the Battalion Commander, and I was faced with the challenge of directing two hundred people over the course of eight hours. With the help of my team, I pulled it off. I was no longer a follower; I no longer deferred to others in order to know how to conduct myself. I relied on myself, and others relied on me. I became a true leader.

Before JROTC, I didn’t like to try to new things or take the first step. I waited around for others to do so because I didn’t think I could make the correct choices. As Battalion Commander, I had to make the choices, I had to take the first step in new plans. With Field Day, I had to take the first steps in its planning---the scheduling of events, the organizing of everything from refreshments to teams to equipment. I stopped being afraid and began to take the initiative. While I wasn’t always perfect, such as the time during Field Day when I sent the dodgeball equipment to one field and the teams to another, I decided to trust myself and I’ve learned to try new things.

Following others and not taking any initiative as a student led me to have very little belief in myself. I never took any chances, and I never tried to make any changes. That is, I never did any of those things until I joined JROTC and became Battalion Commander. But the greatest effect on me wasn’t making me a leader or teaching me to take chances and first steps. The greatest effect was teaching me to believe in myself as not only a battalion commander, but as a student, and as a young adult about to enter the world.
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This is a good start. However, your last two paragraphs sound a little repetive and I think you can combine them into one paragraph. Also, add some more background information. Your 3rd paragraph is a good start, but you should expand it. Also, think about your reader. They, like me, may have no idea what the JROTC and the JROTC color guard are and what a Batallion Commander does. We get an idea of it from your essay, but you should explain this. Also, elaborate on your experience as a Batallin Commander. How exactly did you pull your team together? Who were your other team members? You did describe this, but you need to expand on it. Also, let us know what event you were participating in it and descibe it. Assume your reader doesn't know anything about what you are talking about. Elaborate on what you think needs elaborating, but remember to not elaborate too much. Just a couple of clear scentences will do. Your experience is an interesting one and I know that with some work, your essay will be a great one. Have fun with this and good luck getting into college!
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Yes! That's what I like to see =D
Not that your original essay was bad, or anything, but this one is certainly better. It has more direction and tells a story while also informing the reader about your good qualities.

Sorry if this comes off as hard. I haven't quite mastered the ability of tact (AP Lit has the ability to siphon all humanity from you).

JROTC Battalion Commander

You should briefly say what JROTC stands for. Like:
"I was now the JROTC, Jolly Ranchers Opposing Toxic Cabbages, battalion commander."

I mean, JROTC=Jolly Ranchers Opposing Toxic Cabbages, right? ;p

I was certain I couldn’t do it. Not then.

I would change to "I wasn't certain I could do it. Not then."
Because that implies that you were first wary of the situation but then rose to met the challenge and conquered it. Essentially, it's a way of admitting your weaknesses without sounding weak. Colleges love weird oxymoron-things like that.

I assessed what needed to be done, and with minimal help from the instructors, my team and I pulled it together.

Go into more detail here. What exactly did you do?


Additionally, the third paragraph feels redundant. You already told the reader about your event with authority. You don't need to repeat yourself. I like the bit about not being popular and all that. Definitely keep that in. I would reduce it to simply talking about how you never really fit in until you joined JROTC and leave it there.

The fourth paragraph is good though. I like it.

However, again, the final paragraph is redundant. It's pretty much the same thing that you said in the previous paragraph. I would just remove it altogether, and see how your paper looks ending at paragraph 4. You can always add another few sentences or a paragraph if need be.


Hope that helps!
But whether James really did take off Snape's pants, Harry never found out.



The worst bullies you will ever encounter in your life are your own thoughts.
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