I wanted you more.

Hi there,
So from a technical standpoint, I am totally impressed with this poem. I've been translating the poetry of Sappho from Ancient Greek and your poem reminds me a lot of her jealousy poem, so be flattered - you've given personality and form to the abstract idea of jealousy, just like one of the greatest poetesses of antiquity wrote about the physical sensations of jealousy. Bravo. I am very impressed with your technique; you are well on your way to becoming a proficient poet.

On the downside, there are a lot of spelling errors in the poem, which is forgivable but makes it hard to take the poem seriously. Also, I would look at some of your sentences, which are in some cases not complete sentences and should be changed. Think about what you're saying, too; when you mentioned the part about the blue eyes, it took on a petty air, and that's not the tone of the poem and not what you're going for, I'm sure. I'm not sure what else to say; you've done something I rarely see on this site, so congratulations, but the poem is also a little bit flat, and I don't know how to help you fix that. Maybe if you make the lines more similar in length? I don't know. Well done, though.
PM me if you have any questions.
-Aussie

Wow. This poem is so you. Its so good because its so different-thats not a bad thing. By the way, i'm not laughing as i'm saying this-i'm genuinely impressed. You don't give yourself enough credit for your writing-it's equally as remarkable as your drawing. I'm so jealous. No kidding. I'm glad i get to read your stuff here because i probably wouldn't have seen it in school. love it.
Leonie

This was a good poem. I understand the emotions behind it completely. I'm sorry if this happened to you. It does hurt. You are a good writer and you seem to describe that feeling perfectly. You are a great writer. Keep writing. I hope you have many amazing days to come.

~Dannielle~

carelessaussie13 wrote:Hi there,
So from a technical standpoint, I am totally impressed with this poem. I've been translating the poetry of Sappho from Ancient Greek and your poem reminds me a lot of her jealousy poem, so be flattered - you've given personality and form to the abstract idea of jealousy, just like one of the greatest poetesses of antiquity wrote about the physical sensations of jealousy. Bravo. I am very impressed with your technique; you are well on your way to becoming a proficient poet.

On the downside, there are a lot of spelling errors in the poem, which is forgivable but makes it hard to take the poem seriously. Also, I would look at some of your sentences, which are in some cases not complete sentences and should be changed. Think about what you're saying, too; when you mentioned the part about the blue eyes, it took on a petty air, and that's not the tone of the poem and not what you're going for, I'm sure. I'm not sure what else to say; you've done something I rarely see on this site, so congratulations, but the poem is also a little bit flat, and I don't know how to help you fix that. Maybe if you make the lines more similar in length? I don't know. Well done, though.
PM me if you have any questions.
-Aussie

Hello Aussie.
Thank you so so much! I read a few translations of that poem and it's quite emotional- i really like it. Thank you so much for the comparison :3
Like my other poem, this was written in the heat of the moment and really late at night. I was kind of moody (and obviously jealous!).
Yes, i know my spelling is atrocious!
Well when i added in the line about the blue eyes i had done so on purpose. I wanted there to be a moment in the poem where the speaker of the poem suddenly breaks through to reality after being in such a trance-like state (because of the jealousy clouding her vision!). I wanted it to be a moment where you realise, the reader is just a woman. An ordinary woman who as the title suggests, wanted the man more than anything.

Thank you so much for the help! I will take it all on board!
Chynel.

LeonieLacey wrote:Wow. This poem is so you. Its so good because its so different-thats not a bad thing. By the way, i'm not laughing as i'm saying this-i'm genuinely impressed. You don't give yourself enough credit for your writing-it's equally as remarkable as your drawing. I'm so jealous. No kidding. I'm glad i get to read your stuff here because i probably wouldn't have seen it in school. love it.
Leonie

Thank you so much!
Leonie when you say you're not laughing..you tend to be laughing :] It's fine if you are though, i don't mind.
Haah thanks but no, it's not!
Thanks again,
Chynel.

DannielleLovesong wrote:This was a good poem. I understand the emotions behind it completely. I'm sorry if this happened to you. It does hurt. You are a good writer and you seem to describe that feeling perfectly. You are a great writer. Keep writing. I hope you have many amazing days to come.

~Dannielle~

Hi Dannielle.
Thank you :]
Yeah it's a pretty hard emotion to shake isn't it.
Aww thank's very much, and the same to you!
Chynel.

Haha, yeah i was laughing actually-err no.....does B1 read poetry? i think he'd be stunned if he knew that you wrote this. B1 doesn't know what he's missing. Spectacular!

Haah..no -.-
God Almighty! Either laugh or don't laugh xD!!
No, I don't think he does..
No, he would be severly creeped out!!
I'm sure he has some cute gay boyfriend to write him poetry *cries* Haaha