The Vampires Story Prolouge

I stood against the wall as Steven circled me, he studied me like a cat studies a mouse. I looked calm, but on the outside but on the inside I was screaming. I didn't know what he was, but it was my fault I was in this situation. Tears began to flee from my eyes as I pictured how Andrew would look when he finds out. I couldn't help it though, I was drawn to both brothers. They were both attractive and mysterious.
Steven began to chuckle as his teeth sharpened into inch long fangs. " You don't have to do this Steven," I said as I tried to calm myself.
" Oh, don't worry Callie I'm not going to kill you," he paused as he finished his sentence, " yet."
He grabbed my shoulder and began to sink his fangs into my neck. I screamed and slipped out of his grip. Blood dripped down my back and I ran. I ran out of his house and to the hospital.
I could hear his heavy footsteps on the pavement behind me. " Callie wait!!" I turned around to see Andrew trudging after me. I slowed to a stop and let him catch up to me. I began to fell dizzy as I collapsed into his arms.
My head felt heavy as I woke up. I looked around surprised to be in Andrew's bed. My blood had been washed off, but I felt like all of it was gone. I was frightened. I sat up and saw Steven sitting at the edge of my bed. I screamed in alarm.
" Gees, I'm not going to hurt you with my brother just in the bathroom. Oh, and by the way your blood is delicious!" Steven said as a smile curved up his lips.
I pressed my hand to my neck and felt deep creases. I looked up and saw Andrew enter the room. " How are you feeling?" he asked me .
I looked up and saw red stains around his mouth, " What have you been drinking?" I asked as I stared at him.
He looked startled that I had asked him that, " Oh, I drank some tomato juice," he said. I studied him and I could tell he was lying, but I didn't want to worry about that now.

This is a very... intriguing. I like it, on a whole. Very interesting beginning. Preface/prologue thingy. You might want to call it a preface/prologue, since it's so short.

You may want to change the name from Jacob. Twilight has made Edward, Bella and
Jacob pretty much unusable, especially in vampire stories. No big thing.

but I didn't want to worry about that now

Liking it. puts her fear a bit more forward.

So, Callie ran from the house to the hospital... are the two buildings uber close or something? That didn't make too much of sense to me.

I looked calm, but on the outside but on the inside I was screaming

It took a while to , but it's a super-super easy fix.

" Oh, don't worry Callie I'm not going to kill you," he paused as he . finished his sentence, " yet."

Love this. So totally awesome. Sets up a bit of suspense for the next chapters.

"Gees, I'm not going to hurt you

generally, it's spelled geez. Your choice.

General Note: there isn't a space between the " and the beginning of the sentence. "Lion and apples," not " Lions and apples. "




Bottom line:

I love your story!!!!! Please PM me when you put out the next!!!!

Put just a little more terror in the end. Like I said, you've go it down, but just a little deeper could help a bunch.

I like the flow of the story. I'd love to see where you go with it....

Hey there! I'm Trish, and I'll be reviewing your story today! I'm trying to cut back on the nit-picks a bit, so there probably won't be very many. I'll mostly focus on the most important things. So let's get started, shall we?

Nit-Picks

I looked calm, but on the outside but on the inside I was screaming.

Should be 'I looked calm on the outside, but on the inside I was screaming.'.

Tears began to flee from my eyes as I pictured how Andrew would look when he finds out.

When he found out.

I screamed and slipped out of his grip.

Would it really be that easy?

" Callie wait!!"

Comma after Callie. Also, EmiAnne mentioned this already, but remember not to put a space after the first quotation mark. It's unnecessary and distracting.

The rest of the things I noticed were basically the same types of mistakes. Just go over it a bit more thoroughly and fix those.

Pace

One big thing that I noticed was that this story felt a bit rushed. You need quite a bit more description of what's happening, and how she feels. When a story is rushed, it takes a huge toll on character development, interest and description. Without these basic building blocks, your story won't be that good.

So I would suggest maybe just going through your story again, fixing any grammar issues or typos, and adding some description and character development. Here are some tips on character development and description.

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Misc.

There's not much else I have to say. Just make sure you add those few things and your start will be a lot better.

I do agree with EmiAnne about the name Jacob though. It reminds me too much of Twilight, and you don't want your readers to be constantly thinking of another book.

But other than that, good job! It's sort of like a Twilight/Vampire Diaries cross, ya know, with the two vampire brothers fighting over a human girl. I'm very excited to see what happens next! Make sure you tell me when you post the next part!

So good job so far, and remember, practice makes perfect so keep writing! See you around!

~ Trish

Hiaya!
I'm classy. Your story definitely brought me in. I feel like i am already in love with Andrews character! I hope he is good, ha ha
Good job on this. I think your grammar needs help, and you may have rushed through some parts, such as the part where she is running to the hospital, but all around, i thought it was a great piece.
~Classy

Very ... lovely. When I read this I felt like it should come later in the book, that is unless it's the base line for your book. What I want to know it what is happening? Who is this? Where are they? I want to know more about the vampires, too. And why is he making her a vampire? I'm sure that it will all be explained in the rest of the story, but some should be explained if this is to be your prologue.

I really want to read the rest of your story!

Thanks for reviewing my story, now it’s my turn!
I like it, I really do. You set the beginning out really well because I want to read more. Everything else has been covered by your other reviewers so I hope you take their suggestions into consideration. Anyway I’ll read up on your other chapters tomorrow.
Good job!

Hey, I liked this very much! But I don't get where everyone is getting the name Jacob, is it in the other two chapters? Because I haven't seen it here in this prolouge. Other then that I quite enjoyed this, I love the idea of the two brothers. The story is very interesting so far, can't wait to read more!

This seems like a decent story, well written and interesting. But as people have said before me you could go a little more in depth. Really make me feel what the characters are feeling and a bit more terror near the end out be lovely. I mean one of these brothers just bit her
neck and she still seems a bit oblivious. Also It seemed a bit rushed. Like some times I had to pull back and re-read. You want to make every thing very clear so that the reader does not have to do that. When I have to go back and re-read a section of a book it makes it slightly less enjoyable. Just a few tips. Over all it seemed pretty good and the brothers seem to have a good distinctive character to them. Good work!

Please. Pleasepleaseplease! Before posting, please spellcheck!

The word Prologue is spelt how I put it!

Sorry, I'm a weensy bit of a stickler for spelling and grammar, and spelling errors irritate me. A lot.

Mia x

Interesting I liked how you put all this stuff in the prolouge so that I'll HAVE to read the rest to figure out what's going on! I normally don't like vampire stories, but I have a feeling that yours is going to good. I like Steven the best right now. He seems pretty rad.

Hallo! Im here to review...so lets get to work :

I stood against the wall as Steven circled me Hmm I don't think that you could circle someone if their up against a wall , he studied me like a cat studies a mouse. I looked calm, but on the outside but on the inside I was screaming Ok so maybe here you could use something like "On the outside I was the picture of calm, but on the inside I was screaming for salvation." Haha that just came to me right now, you could use it if you want. . I didn't know what he was, but it was my fault I was in this situation. Tears began to flee from my eyes as I pictured how Andrew would look when he finds out Found out. I couldn't help it though, I was drawn to both brothers. They were both attractive and mysterious.
Steven began to chuckle as his teeth sharpened into inch long fangs. " You don't have to do this Steven," I said as I tried to calm myself.
" Oh, don't worry Callie I'm not going to kill you," he paused as he finished his sentence, " yet." Love it! I love how you draw out the suspence and you illude that something is going to happen.
He grabbed my shoulder and began to sink his fangs into my neck. I screamed and slipped out of his grip.Hmm I don't think it would be that easy, do you? Blood dripped down my back and I ran. I ran out of his house and to the hospital. Do they live right next to the hospital or something? Because that is obber close.
I could hear his heavy footsteps on the pavement behind me. " Callie wait!!" I turned around to see Andrew trudging after me. I slowed to a stop and let him catch up to me. I began to fell dizzy as I collapsed into his arms.
My head felt heavy as I woke up. I looked around surprised to be in Andrew's bed. My blood had been washed off, but I felt like all of it was gone. I was frightened. I sat up and saw Steven sitting at the edge of my bed. I screamed in alarm.
" Gees,Geez, I love this sentence though lol I'm not going to hurt you with my brother just in the bathroom. Oh, and by the way your blood is delicious!" Steven said as a smile curved up his lips.
I pressed my hand to my neck and felt deep creases. I looked up and saw Andrew enter the room. " How are you feeling?" he asked me .
I looked up and saw red stains around his mouth, " What have you been drinking?" I asked as I stared at him.
He looked startled that I had asked him that, " Oh, I drank some tomato juice," he said. I studied him and I could tell he was lying, but I didn't want to worry about that now.

Yea I wouldn't be worried about that either, especially when there are two vamps in the room; one wants to suck neck and the other is drinking (or not) tomatoe juice. This reminds me of Vapire Diaries the movie, when the girl says "So she's a vampire with issues?" Haha random I know, but oh well.

Keep writing! I love where you are taking this. OK bye now...I'm going to review your other posts...Bwahahah..*cough* *weeze* Hahaha *cough* ahhh. Lol

Tata for now!*Waves*

Starleene Out!

Thanks for the reviews! I hope you enjoy my stories!