A Refreshing Smile

It’s like that moment when
your entire body is cramped up,
and you stretch, muscle by muscle
by muscle, back arching
like a languid cat.
Or when the plane descends
and your ears pop,
and you realize how deaf you were to the world-
rather,
like growing ears altogether,
feeling and taking the soundwaves in
for the first time,
a virgin to noise, amazed
at how musical life really is-
it’s like seeing the sun set
outside of the city you grew up in,
never having known before
that the sky could make colors.

It’s something that I knew a long time ago,
and have missed dearly
without ever realizing it;
And I’m so sorry that I’d forgotten
how much I love your smile.





I'm not super pleased with this piece, though I don't know what it is that's bothering me. Thoughts?



Thanks for reading!

Persephoneia wrote:I'm not super pleased with this piece, though I don't know what it is that's bothering me. Thoughts?

I'm not going to lie, but I don't want to be rude. I like the ending but I do not like the beginning, you are right I have no idea what it is either. I think the edges are a little dull, bring the reader into it. Have fun with it, play around with it from all angles. Think to yourself "what can I possibly do to make this more exciting". You have an amazing idea about a smile add something to it.

"A Frankenstien smile" or a "bad boy smile" even "The headless horseman's smile"

Yes, I get the irony of the "headless horseman" (:

Have fun with it! Bring a smile that we all know about, something we can picture in our minds. It will make the reader more interested and it would bring a piece like this into the sun!


Have a good day! PM me if you have any questions.

-Soggy

Persephoneia wrote:It’s like that moment when
your entire body is cramped up,
and you stretch, muscle by muscle
by muscle, back arching
like a languid cat. Much better, Much better, I am happy to see this improvement. The only thing I can comment on is how long it took you to explain that idea. I know it's ment to be slow to show strain but the image itself does that. You do not need to reenforce it.
P.S is this ment to show a twiching smile?
Also, when you say a languid cat, you might want to change that a little, because a languid cat sounds to me like it only shows half a smile. So, this is where I'd like to mention that metaphors have to work with what you're describing. You can't mention two things in one image and then try to compare them to one thing. It just wouldn't work out propery, it could cause confusion, and other things of the sort. I am not sure, but maybe you could clear this up for me, please?
Or when the plane descends
and your ears pop,
and you realize how deaf you were to the world-
rather,
like growing ears altogether, Bettterrr!!! You're showing the confusing rather than just saying you're confusing, lovely, absolutly lovely. You don't need to say you're deaf to the world, if you're deaf, no matter what, you'll be deaf to the world.
feeling and taking the soundwaves in
for the first time,
a virgin to noise, amazed
at how musical life really is- You had it. You don't need all this description. A virgin to noise sums up the two lines above, so lose them. Or vise versa. And what is musical life? You should describe that. And how does it feel when you first hear those sounds? Do they fade in and take over? Or do they stomp on your ear drum and make them selves known?
it’s like seeing the sun set Good.
outside of the city you grew up in,
never having known before
that the sky could make colors. You don't need this, you compared seeing the sun set to never hearing sound. So in a way, this is redundent, it states what is implied. You don't have to do that. It's like having a 1 in front of a varible, like 1x, you don't have to, it's still the same thing. And it'd be kinda pointless.

It’s something that I knew a long time ago,
and have missed dearly You're telling over showing, comparrreee itt! It's a lost necklace. It's a lost ring, something that would be near and dear to us and something you've had / known for a while. And it's kinds boring if you just state these things. Show it some more, I was enjoying it.
without ever realizing it;
And I’m so sorry that I’d forgotten
how much I love your smile. Ha, I see it. Very nice. I see how everything works togeather now. But I am sure you can better show the things in your last stanza, that's all I can say about it. I like it's ideas.

Over all: Nice work! I really liked how you showed more so than told.
Your flow was alright, it went to the same point, but it's also all disconnected. You talk about planes and cats and sun sets and music. How exactly are they all related?

What I could like for you to try and tackle now, is an over all theme and a more complex imagery set up. This would allow you to make far fewer connections and more power over your words.

PM me if you have any concerns, once again, good job.
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.

I loved this, just for the last two lines...they brought back memories.

Also, I LOVED this line:

a virgin to noise

I'm not sure why...maybe the originality or the sound or...I don't know. I just loved this line.

My main thought on improving it is this:

I think the metaphor of being "a virgin to noise" was great, but the first metaphor and the metaphor about the sunset don't fit. The ears metaphor stands out the most, I think in part because it was the longest. It makes the first metaphor unnecessary (although that was also a lovely metaphor) and the last one random and unwelcome. So if you can cut out those two metaphors - and, if you feel the need, extend the ears metaphor - then I think that would improve the poem.

Great job!

~Blue