Immortal Love

What is it that I feel when I look into your eyes?

My heart soars, rips my chest, leaves me and flies

I never call my heart back, very obscure!

Careless whether I live or not, I'm still unsure,

But the destination of my heart is what I know,

For there is one place where it might go,

Back to your warm bed, surviving on your embrace,

Never comes back until your hands leave a trace.



Your lips and I, conversations of common sense,

Feelings so true, tempations so dense,

Your tender touch... My lightened path to sin,

Whenever your soul leaves mine, I take it back in,

Let your desires explore me, dive deep inside,

But if you're scared, come to my arms and hide.



Let the gravity make our souls one,

The summer rushing in your blood, ride the sun.

Let the flames of your desire unite us once,

The touching, the tasting, be the only sense,

I wish I could stay here for you,

But I am mortal, what shall I do?

Forgive me when that day comes,

You're my hero, and a hero never runs.


You shall always live in my heart,

You are my indispensable vital part

And shall always be so...

foxy wrote:What is it that I feel when I look into your eyes?
My heart soars, rips my chest, leaves me and fliesThese are kinda all the same thing for that one action, atleast drop the last two.
I never call my heart back, very obscure! Why is this obscure? Isn't that my choice to make, on whether it is or not? How is it obscure? I don't really think it is. You might want to drop that little piece.
Careless whether I live or not, I'm still unsure, Your heart is careless to whether or not you die? What are you insure of? And all this rhyming, I think it's ruining your poem.
But the destination of my heart is what I know, You could say this in a much less worded way. Like I know where my heart is going.or atleast break it into a different line. And that's another thing, you don't need to put all these line breaaks, there's no need to make your poem seem any longer.
For there is one place where it might go, I thought you knew where it was going?
Back to your warm bed, surviving on your embrace, It has to survive it? That's kind of contradictory. Warm bed = nice, embrace usually = nice. Surviving the nice? That doesn't exactly make sense... Could you be a little more clear?
Never comes back until your hands leave a trace. Leave a trace? What does that mean? Like a hand print on the heart?

Your lips and I, conversations of common sense, A heart doesn't have lips?
Feelings so true, tempations so dense,
Your tender touch... My lightened path to sin, Wait, is this a person or a heart? Where is the transition?
Whenever your soul leaves mine, I take it back in,
Let your desires explore me, dive deep inside, The rhyme is still seeming forced =/. And you won't let them escape? That's not exactly the loving image. You should reall make sure everything is right on track and heading to the same place.
But if you're scared, come to my arms and hide.

Let the gravity make our souls one,
The summer rushing in your blood, ride the sun. Ride the sun? That's kinda random and the sudden introduction to seasons and a person, where is all this coming from? This is rather cofusing.
Let the flames of your desire unite us once, Once? And this is so cliche. And touching, the tasting, be the only sense? Transition words are still helpful in giving flow to your lines and expressing a complete thought. Like saying: Let fires meld our desires, touching and tasting, only as one sense. Or something like that.
The touching, the tasting, be the only sense,
I wish I could stay here for you,
But I am mortal, what shall I do? Again, the rhyme is just ruining your poem. Your rhyme is like a mechanic to the poem, or machine. Your first duty to make sure the machine is working properly, if not, you check it's mechanics and make some tweaks.
Forgive me when that day comes, Forgive me for when that day comes. You still need to follow grammar rules, even in poetry, they help make things easier on the reader.
You're my hero, and a hero never runs. Didn't he / she run in the beginning?

You shall always live in my heart,
You are my indispensable vital part Nice use of metaphors, AT THE END. You should have used a few more throughout the poem. And it's very wordy with some unneeded words. Like indispensable and vital. If it's vital, it's indispensable, so in other words, it's redundent.
And shall always be so...

Again, your ideas should come first, the poem. Then your rhyme and your meter and all that other good stuff comes with editing and things of the sort.

Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.

Thank you for your generous review and time. I appreciate your comments and thoughts.

Hi there!

I love anything about love.

If this had been a short story, it could have been a hit! I mean, immortal love has always been what young people these days read.

Keep writing. Good luck always!

Alexxa wrote:Hi there!

I love anything about love.

If this had been a short story, it could have been a hit! I mean, immortal love has always been what young people these days read.

Keep writing. Good luck always!

Hihhihi that is one hell of an idea, you know? Why not?! I mean this could be a very good advice I will my mind into it, thank you so much for your hpnest motivating review, it is truely appreciated.