Contemplation

Contemplation
By Romance Otaku (http://romanceotaku.com/)
9/15/2010

I feel as if the world may turn and leave me here,
Yet I am left with no choice but to listen to things I don't want to hear,
Learning skills I will never use.
Watching you cry as if you were subject to abuse.

I know the world is a happy place,
But these people prevent me from putting on a happy face.
I space out; I imagine as I ignore;
I remember now... I felt this way before.

A long time ago, a younger me.
The opposite of blind: only he could see.
But the things he saw did not really exist.
Will you guide me out of the mist?

I contemplate:
I love to create,
Maybe it's a gift; some sort of ESP.
It's also an option to ask you to live in it with me...

Hi,

This flows smoothly and the final stanza in particular is very beautiful.

I'd put a comma after "use" and "me".

I'd try adding more concrete imagery. Turn it outwards into the world rather than focusing it inwards on the speaker. Try to make the reader see what the world looks like to the speaker and how this affects his perception of the world.

I'd also try this without the rhyme, for the sake of experimentation. The rhyme works, I think, but trying this without would help you explore and discover all new aspects of this.

The best thing you can do for your poetry is read poetry. I really like John Berryman at the moment. Anthologies are a good starting point.

Hope this helps,
Jas

Hello there, romance otaku. I'll be reviewing you today.

I'll say first thing that the rhyme did not work for me. There is more to rhyming than having each line end in a rhyming word. Rhymes depend on patterns, and without clear patterns (note the plural), rhymes tend to fall short. While you have a visual pattern, that pattern is not reinforced by a pattern in the rhythm.

Rhythm is an essential part of forming successful rhymes. Compare "My darling John has up and gone" to "John has up and gone." The first example has a more obvious rhyme because the rhyming words are spaced evenly, whereas in the second example, "John" and "gone" don't feel like they form a rhyme.

I suggest you try reading the poem aloud; see if the poem feels like it rhymes. Right now, I don't get that feeling of rhyming.

Hey!
This piece flows so nicely! The rhyming is perfect! I love it, but I think you could use more imagery! Explain more of how she felt, and give us a picture of how/what she does now that 'the world may turn and leave me here'. How does she feel about the world leaving her? Just ask yourself some questions while your writing, to help you explain everything! But overall this piece was amazing and I loved it!

That was really pretty.
I have this huge smile on my face.

It was a really strong, beautiful poem, which did not end with death.
I really felt the emotions, and your flow really helped with that.
YOur grammar and spelling were amazing, and I really adored this poem
~WickedWonder

Hi there Romanceotaku. SporkPunk here, and I'll be reviewing this today.

First off, the rhyming doesn't really work for me. Without a rhyme scheme to go with it, the rhyme just seems forced, and that detracts greatly from the poem itself. Also, in the second stanza, you use repetition with "happy." One, happy is rather a weak word and does very little for the imagery of the poem. Second, the repetition detracts and again, makes the poem sound forced, borderline mechanical. I'd suggest finding another way to word that. Other than that, this poem has great potential, and I think it could become quite good.

Keep Writing!

Sporks

Its flow was very smooth--well done! In the first two lines, 'here' and 'here' may be a bit confusing for rhyming but it does work and if you like it then you should keep it. Thanks for using grammar and great job! I really like it Keep writing!