The silence in black and white

Spoiler

My interpretation of Hawthorne Heights-Niki Fm...It's a pretty stalkerish song and I was running low on muse so...

I know I may never get her back,
I know that,
even as I trace her silhouette,
wishing my life wasn't all in shades of black.

I feel dirty,
yet it's her being violated.
I know I'm doing her a wrong,
Yet my hungry eyes do not move at all.

I watch her from her back,
Yearning for her touch,
I spare the other not a glance,
solely focusing on my love.

I know I may never get her back,
I know this is all perverse,
I know the man she loves will never be me,
But I'll stand outside her window,
Forever wishing it was me...

ashia605134 wrote:I know I may never get her back,
I know that,
even as I trace her silhouette,
wishing my life wasn't all in shades of black. You're using I a lot. It's kinda annoying, you shold tone that down and stop the second I know. If you keep the coma break and keep the that, you can save it's emotion.

I feel dirty, Dirty how? What is dirty? Covered in mud? Or where you touched by a bug or some smelly person? Do you feel dirty in a more adult way? Or what? How am I supposed to relate to what is happening? I can't. Similes and metaphors help here. And make sure they can relate to all parts of what you're trying to say.
yet it's her being violated. What I said abotu still counts, just not directly to dirty anymore. It will apply to anything that is subjective like dirty. Such as beautiful, graceful, amazing, painful. All those abstract things. I do like the connection and the glimpse into this person's mind, it shows more how they work. I like that, it's a bit more complex.
I know I'm doing her a wrong, You don't need this line, this is reflected in the two lines above.
Yet my hungry eyes do not move at all. Lose the yet and the at all. They just make it wordy, and they serve no real purpose.

I watch her from her back, drop the first her, it's not needed.
Yearning for her touch, I thought you were already touching her? You should flip this with the stanza above, it wouldn't interupt flow and it would make the story more clear.
I spare the other not a glance, What other?
solely focusing on my love. Just say you only focus on your love. IT would make the other line above redundent and unneed.

I know I may never get her back,
I know this is all perverse,
I know the man she loves will never be me,
But I'll stand outside her window,
Forever wishing it was me... This is so direct. And BORING. You need to drop the list and all of the "I know" 's. It's just too much of the same kind of thing and it's annoying.

Over all:

Also, you need to add more description of how things happened. You followed her. Cool but how? Were you like a sneaking tiger? Like a bug flying to a lamp? How did you move? Simply stating what is happening isn't enough for us to relate to.

Also, your poem doesn't exactly move. It's all about the same thing kind of, how you want this person and that you follow them. They don't move from that idea. Go through the motions of stalking a love from a far, but you can't unless you actually do stalk, because you wouldn't know the cycle a stalker goes though... Or would you? (joking)

Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.

I know I may never get her back,add a period on the end of this line of the next depending on your meaning
I know that,
even as I trace her silhouette,
wishing my life wasn't all in get rid of 'all', or 'in' or both. The extra words make the line clumsy shades of black.

I feel dirty,
yet it's her being violated.
I know I'm doing her a extra clumsy wordwrong,
Yetchange to 'but' my hungry eyes do not move at all.

I watch her from her back,
Yearning for her touch,
I spare the other not a glance,
solely focusing on my loveI would use a different, less common word.

I know I may never get her back,
I know this is all perverse,
I know the man she loves will never be me,Cliches
But I'll stand outside her window,
Forever wishing it was me.. cliche

Keep writing!
-Kat