Miami Prep

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If you were to walk into seventeen year old Stephanie Sheppard’s room, you wouldn’t notice anything different. You would still see her blue walls and white carpet, her bed with the tempurpedic mattress and blue flower bedspread. Her white furniture set and the music stand with her magazines on it. The only difference was that there were five suitcases in front of her bed. Those suitcases were filled with all of her clothes and her most precious belongings.

Why was all of her stuff packed? Because she was going to Miami Prep, a private school in which she had earned a scholarship to. Pacific Prep was one of the best private schools in the country. Which is why her family was thrilled for her even knowing that she would have to live on the campus, in Miami; two thousand some miles away from her home in San Diego.

“Mom, are you sure you guys all want to fly out there? Just to drop me off?” Steph asked her mom as she carried two of the suitcases down the stairs to the first floor. Her long brown wavy hair was half up half down and she wore her nice Abercrombie and Fitch sundress, even though she thought it made her butt big. She hated her butt. The rest of her tan body was thin and then there was her butt which looked a little big on her. Like she was a size two wearing a size four butt. The only reason she wore it in fact was that it brought out her tan, which she had worked all summer for, and her green eyes.

“Sweetie this is the last time we will see you until next year I think we can fly out. Plus Liam and Tia want to go to Disney World and see Mickey and Minnie Mouse. I just can’t get used to the idea of you not being here. I mean every day for the past fourteen years you have greeted me in the morning with your perky voice and it won’t be here after today. ” Mariah Sheppard said as she pulled her thick, long, straight, brown hair up into a ponytail that held half as much hair as Steph’s ponytail.

Tia and Liam were Stephanie’s six year old twin siblings. As much as they annoyed her she loved them to
death and didn’t know what she would do without them to greet her in the morning. They could be the most annoying
siblings in the world or the most loving. Like when her best friend, Lily, decided to date Stephanie’s boyfriend, Luke, her
sister and brother gave her hugs and offered to do her chores; she declined the offer of course because she would have
felt bad using her little six year old siblings. Tia was the cutest little kid she had every seen. With her long, thin,
straight, blond hair and her bright blue eyes and thin built she was how Steph said, ah-dor-able! And Liam, Liam was a
very unique boy. He had shaggy brown hair with green eyes. Steph knew when he got older ALL the girls would be falling
for him.

“Mom, I know I will miss you too. You know that every since Lily and I got in that fight you have been my best friend. What will I do without my best friend?” Steph asked as she sat on one of the stools and leaned her elbows on the newly installed granite counter top.

“Steph, you and that girl Anya will be friends I'm sure of it. I mean you have to be right? You’ll be living with her for the next year.”

“I know, I'm so excited to go! I can’t believe I was the ‘chosen’ one to get the scholarship. How lucky am I?”

“Out of the whole country you, Miss Stephanie Sheppard, got invited to Miami Prep. That will teach Lily to be
mean to you! Didn’t you say she entered for the scholarship too?” One of the main things Steph loved about her mom was
how ‘in-this-century’ she was. She knew what stars were dating her and was Steph’s Pretty Little Liar buddy. They had both read the books and watched the series. In fact they both loved Hanna and Aria’s characters the best.

“Yeah, I know I'm so happy I won and not her otherwise everyone would have brought it up.”
when you grow up you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and isnt wearing a black cape and easy to spot Lots of Love Jenn




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Hey hockeyfan :] So, after reading the first paragraph or so of your story, I realized some pretty cool things.
1. The name of the girl happens to be the same name as the bestselling author of the Pretty Little Liars series. A coincidence? I think not...:]
2. I'm originally from San Diego and it's one of my favorite places in the world.
3. I go to a private boarding school...
4. Conveniently enough, I also happen to love hockey. But that's got nothing to do with your piece and more to do with your username.

Okay, now that that's over...
Comments/Corrections are in bold.

If you were to walk into seventeen year-old Stephanie Sheppard’s room, you wouldn’t notice anything different. You would still see her blue walls, white carpet, her bed with the tempurpedic mattress and blue flower bedspread, her white furniture set and the music stand with her magazines on it. The only difference was that there were five suitcases in front of her bed. Those suitcases were filled with all of her clothes and her most precious belongings. (I admit, it's not an amazing beginning, but it gets to the point. You paid attention to details in her room, which is good...But since it's your opening paragraph, I think more adjectives are required.)

Why was all of her stuff packed? Because she was going to Miami Prep, a private school in which she had earned a scholarship to. Pacific Prep (Is Pacific Prep the same as Miami Prep? Or are they different schools? Or is this just a typo?) was one of the best private schools in the country, which is why her family was thrilled for her even knowing that she would get to live on the campus, in Miami; some two thousand miles away from her home in San Diego.

“Mom, are you sure you guys all want to fly out there? Just to drop me off?” Steph asked her mom as she carried two of the suitcases down the stairs to the first floor. Her long brown wavy hair was half up, half down and she wore her nice Abercrombie and Fitch sundress, even though she thought it made her butt look big. She hated her butt. The rest of her tan body was thin and then, there was her butt, which looked a little big on her. (Rewording this sentence.) As if, although she was a size two, she wore a size four butt. The only reason she wore it in fact was that it brought out her tan, which she had worked all summer for, and her green eyes. (This description is very good. It gives me a vivid picture of her straight from the beginning. But, I think you focused a little too much on her butt and not the rest of her. No pun intended. You wrote so much about her butt, and very little about her green eyes and brown hair. Are those her mom's eyes or her dad's? Details like this will make your story sound more realistic to your readers. Also, talk about what she did to get that tan. You mentioned it, but you didn't explain. It's a tiny dead end.)

“Sweetie, this is the last time we will see you until next year. I think we can fly out (Revise this sentence because it's confusing me. Do you mean, "I don't think we can fly out until next year."?. Plus Liam and Tia want to go to Disney World and see Mickey and Minnie Mouse. (You've completely and suddenly changed the subject. Add something to help the words flow better. My suggestion would be a sigh from her mother. "...and Minnie Mouse," she sighed. "I just can't get used to....") I just can’t get used to the idea of you not being here. I mean every day for the past fourteen years you have greeted me in the morning with your perky voice and it won’t be here after today. ” Mariah Sheppard said as she pulled her thick, long, straight, brown hair up into a ponytail that held half as much hair as Steph’s ponytail.

Tia and Liam were Stephanie’s six year-old twin siblings. As much as they annoyed her, she loved them to
death, and didn’t know what she would do without them to greet her in the morning. They could be the most annoying siblings in the world or the most loving. Like when her best friend, Lily, decided to date Stephanie’s boyfriend, Luke, her sister and brother gave her hugs and offered to do her chores; she declined the offer, of course, because she would have felt bad using her little six year-old siblings. Tia was the cutest little kid she had ever seen. With her long, thin, straight, blond hair and her bright blue eyes and thin build she was how Steph would say, ah-dor-able! And Liam, Liam was a very unique boy. He had shaggy brown hair with green eyes. Steph knew when he got older ALL the girls would be falling for him.

“Mom, I know I will miss you too. You know, ever since Lily and I got in that fight, you have been my best friend. What will I do without my best friend?” Steph asked as she sat on one of the stools and leaned her elbows on the newly installed granite counter top.

“Steph, you and that girl Anya will be friends. I'm sure of it. I mean, you have to be, right? You’ll be living with her for the next year.”

“I know, I'm so excited to go! I can’t believe I was the ‘chosen’ one to get the scholarship. How lucky am I?”

“Out of the whole country you, Miss Stephanie Sheppard, got invited to Miami Prep. That will teach Lily to be
mean to you! Didn’t you say she entered for the scholarship too?” One of the main things Steph loved about her mom was
how ‘in-this-century’ she was. She knew what stars were dating her (Who's "her"?) and was Steph’s Pretty Little Liar buddy. They had both read the books and watched the series. In fact they both loved Hanna and Aria’s characters the best. (I haven't read the books, but I watch the series. I like Aria and Spencer.)

“Yeah I know, I'm so happy I won, otherwise everyone would have brought it up.”


OVERALL: Good introduction. You introduced the main character, her family, and gave us a bit of insight into her life. I would LOVE to read and review the next chapter. PM me when you finish it!

-Ace
“We’re having too good a time today. We ain’t thinkin’ about tomorrow.”
-Johnny Depp, Public Enemies


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Hi! I liked it-- it's a great start to the begining. I can't wait for more! I agree with ace1996. She was right about everything in her review. I hate repeating things... You might as well just re-read this and you'll catch the errors yourself.
Keep Writing!
Nike :)
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek




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Hey!

I liked this a lot and I've looked at the novel's page. I have to ask because it confuses me a lot, but is Alantic Prep the same thing as this Miami Prep? If it is then you should just call it the same thing. If it isn't then you should make that painstakingly clear, okay?

I agree with ace1996 and Nike. But I thought that the main character's name was Stephanie and if so then it isn't the name of the Pretty Little Liars author. Her name Sara Shepard. The twilight author on the other hand is named Stephanie Meyers, which is what I think she meant.


Anyways, keep it up!

-Charlotte Grace-
"The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." -Lucille Ball



[as a roleplayer is feeling sad about torturing her characters] GrandWild: "You're a writer, dear. Embrace it."
— GrandWild