Gimme what I love

4 posts
User avatar
jake457
Gender Male
Points 1302
Reviews 7
Thu Sep 23, 2010 7:49 pm
jake457 says... · Thu Sep 23, 2010 7:49 pm
Hey, this is a draft at the moment, need more inspiration to finish and tweak it. But it seems good for a rough copy. Have a look, review, love,hate or even eat a sandwich.

Some days, I feel so, that I don’t know
What to do
And sometimes, I like to…
Give up, on situations
And I’m not , good on complications
And I wont, say my obligations


[instrumental]


But, then, I met a girl
Jewel eyes, great smile
Oh~ makes my mind~ (swirl)
Need to find, the time to see her
Make a song, give a number
Sweep her off her feet


Then, I see her in my arms (o ooh ho)
Use my looks, use my charms
Get the girl with the words I got
And this is what ah say:


Chorus
Gimme what I want
What I love-
And that be you
It couldn’t be so true
That I’m, in love~ with you-


But what’s a guy , suppose to do
I'm not sincere, to buy a gift
I think ill sing, that I love you
And I’ll be ya lift, to heaven
Cause your, the best thing to happen
In my life, full of strife
And make it, seem so bright
That I'm feeling right
But nice


Chorus
Last edited by jake457 on Sat Oct 16, 2010 3:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Quote




User avatar
LadyPurple
Gender Female
Points 1171
Reviews 206
Thu Sep 23, 2010 8:36 pm
LadyPurple says... · Thu Sep 23, 2010 8:36 pm
Hey again Jake. First off:
jake457 wrote: or even eat a sandwich.

Gladly! *Makes a sandwich and prepares to review* This will be hard without a spell check button.
[center]
Some days, I feel so, that I don’t know That doesn't really sound... right.... Maybe you left something out on mistake.
What to do
And sometimes, I like to…
Give up, on situations
And I’m not , good on complications
And I wont, say my obligations


[instrumental]


But, then, I met a girl
Jewel eyes, great smile
Oh~ makes my mind~ (swirl)
Need to find, the time to see her
Make a song, give a number
Sweep her of her feet


Then, I see her in my arms (o ooh ho)
Use my looks, use my charms
Get the girl with the words I got
And this is what ah I? say:


Chorus
Gimme what I want
What I love-
And that be you Try re-wording this. It doesn't exactly flow well.
It couldn’t be so true
That I’m, in love~ with you-


But what’s a guy , suppose to do
I'm not sincere, to buy a gift
I think I'll sing, that I love you
And I’ll be ya lift, to heaven
Cause you're, the best thing to happen
In my life, full of strife
And make it, seem so bright
That I'm feeling right
But nice

That was a really sweet love song. Some parts need work and I think you used some commas where they don't really need to be. I went by what I knew was spelled right and saw nothing wrong with your spelling. I hope you write more stuff sometime!
~Ladypurple.
You're new? Great seas! Why haven't you gone to the Buddy System yet?



You're dealing with writers. The words "normal" and "usual occurrence" do not compute.
~Rosey Unicorn
Quote




User avatar
Kale
Gender None specified
Points 72525
Reviews 1220
Sun Sep 26, 2010 3:37 am
Kale says... · Sun Sep 26, 2010 3:37 am
Hello there, Jake.

First off, I'd like to commend you for your formatting. It is easy to read, and the chorus and verses are clearly separated. This is much appreciated. The centering, however, makes this a bit difficult to read.

That said, you had a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes, such as this one:

Sweep her off her feet

Lyrics follow the same spelling and grammar conventions as regular prose. If they didn't, they wouldn't be understandable. Now, while I can see why you may have put some extra commas in here and there to show the ends of melodic phrases, your reviewers do not have the benefit of seeing the sheet music nor listening to the song, so such extra punctuation reads as a bit superfluous. I suggest just punctuating your lyrics according to convention; it will make your lyrics easier to read.

Grammar and spelling aside, what you have so far flows well, and I can definitely see this being sung. In that regards, you did a good job.

Good luck with finishing.
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
Princessence: A LMS Project
WRFF | KotGR
Quote




User avatar
soulidium
Gender None specified
Points 1227
Reviews 8
Sat Oct 16, 2010 2:45 am
soulidium says... · Sat Oct 16, 2010 2:45 am
jake457 wrote:Hey, this is a draft at the moment, need more inspiration to finish and tweak it. But it seems good for a rough copy. Have a look, review, love,hate or even eat a sandwich.

Some days, I feel so, that I don’t know
What to do
And sometimes, I like to…
Give up, on situations
And I’m not , good on complications
And I wont, say my obligations


[instrumental]


But, then, I met a girl
Jewel eyes, great smile
Oh~ makes my mind~ (swirl)
Need to find, the time to see her
Make a song, give a number
Sweep her off her feet


Then, I see her in my arms (o ooh ho)
Use my looks, use my charms
Get the girl with the words I got
And this is what ah say:


Chorus
Gimme what I want
What I love-
And that be you
It couldn’t be so true
That I’m, in love~ with you-


But what’s a guy , suppose to do
I'm not sincere, to buy a gift
I think ill sing, that I love you
And I’ll be ya lift, to heaven
Cause your, the best thing to happen
In my life, full of strife
And make it, seem so bright
That I'm feeling right
But nice


Chorus
Quote

4 posts


If you don't sign up for a review team, you're basically saying you're okay with canine amphibian metamorphosis.
— Nate