kiss, hug, cry

Would you kiss me if I said I loved you?
Would you hug if I said I cared?
if I said I hate you would you shed a tear?
kiss me
hug me
cry for me
because I would go to the edge of the world for you
you are the love of my life
so can I
kiss you?
hug you?
if you say no I will just cry for you
because
I
love
you
<3

goldentouch wrote:Would you kiss me if I said I loved you?
Would you hug if I said I cared?Hug me, do you mean? and refer to below for further instruction. - managment.
if I said I hate you would you shed a tear?This is very list like. I don't want to ready a shopping list. And it would be better to split these up into their own stanza with their own ideas. That would work well, I believe.
kiss me
hug me
cry for me[b]Still like a list.All action doesn't make a good poem. You need to balance that with a setting and descriptions that will show us what's happening, and what you say directly like I am sad, will be infered and we can see how and why you're sad and gives us more to relate to.
because I would go to the edge of the world for you You spent all that time to say you'd die for them. But it seems more like you're dying for their presence, their body. I don't know if that's what you're trying to say, but I don't think it is. Maybe if you mentioned more of what this person is like and how you like him or her. And gave a more emotional look in the terms of connecting between each other. Like say: Held still in silent nights, your hand gives me a light to shine by. Or something all love-y like that. It gives the situation, lonely nights, they make it better, and it still mentions the body. which is easy to connect with.
you are the love of my life In what ways? How do you love this person? Why do you love this person?
so can I
kiss you?
hug you?
if you say no I will just cry for you Like they're dead!? Because otherwise you might want to say I cry TO you.
because
I
love
you
<3

Cool, over all, I think you should put some more lines into this, betweeen the actions and most of these lines. You should use some more similes an metaphors, so we can find more ways to relate and understand what it happening, experiancing it in a sense. Rather than being boringly told.

Also you have more flow between the lines, like interconnecting thoughts, that can be followed and understood in the manner presented.
Being striaght foward, like you are here can be effective as a shocker into reality and more so a tool rather than a way of speaking.
And sorry for just randomly dropping off here, if there is anything I've missed or didn't clarify on, let me know and PM me. I actually have to cut this short due to a thunderstorm. Sorry.
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1

it is a very good poem i like it.

goldentouch wrote:Would you kiss me if I said I loved you?
Would you hug if I said I cared?
if I said I hate you would you shed a tear?( the flow could have been improved in these three lines)
kiss me
hug me
cry for me(i really liked how you broke up these three lines)
(the rest is the best)
because I would go to the edge of the world for you
you are the love of my life
so can I
kiss you?
hug you?
if you say no I will just cry for you
because
I
love
you
<3

i loved the poem
1. you expressed your feelings nicely
2.the flow of the poem was good
keep writing!

thanks for the feedback.

goldentouch wrote:Would you kiss me if I said I loved you?
Would you hug if I said I cared?
if I said I hate you would you shed a tear?
kiss me
hug me
cry for me
because I would go to the edge of the world for you
(because)you are the love of my life
so can I
kiss you?
hug you?
if you say no I will just cry for you
because
I
love
you
<3

I like it. I think you should explain more how you feel, it's kind of short. But it's really good. I love how you were questioning your love throughout all of your writing. Really nice and heartfelt.

This one just didn't cut it for me. It felt rushed and as if there was not that much effort into it. I love the idea though and I think you still have potential with this it is just that I think you need to go over the poem again because the strucure and rhyming form are all wrong. Do't give up though if you just change a few lines hre and there and really mold it then I am sure you'll have a great poem. Thanks for writing it and if you need any tips or advice, please PM me!